It's the most wonderful time of the year

...if you're homeless.

The holiday season seems to be the only time anyone cares about homeless people. There are all kinds of food drives, coat drives, and other charitable drives geared toward assisting homeless people. I've never seen a 4th of July homeless cookout or super spooky homeless Halloween bash. I came up with that little theory in shower this morning and decided to do a little research while heading into the office. Like most people, usually when I see a homeless person I avoid eye contact and pretend that I can't hear them, or if an encounter is eminent I'll pull out my cell phone and pretend I'm on a call. Even homeless people are usually polite enough not to bother someone on the phone. Today I stopped at the first homeless person I saw and started talking to him.

Jon: Hey buddy, how you doing today?

Homeless man: Pissah.

Jon: Could I ask you a couple questions?

Homeless man: Shoot.

Jon: With the upcoming holiday season rapidly approaching, do you notice that people are nicer or more generous to you?

Homeless man: Ya know, I hadn't really thought about it because I usually only think about gettin' shitfaced. [becomes distracted by a plastic bag caught in the breeze]

Jon: Um... ok? Could you think about it now?

Homeless man: [thinking] [eyes become wide] [looks down at spare change cup] [looks up at me]

Jon: [puts a 5er in his ratty Dunkin' Donuts cup]

Homeless man: Usually people just want to spit on me and scurry me back under a bridge like a fuckin' troll ...or a fuckin' Yankees fan. Ya know what I'm sayin' pal? [extends filthy hand expecting a high-five]

Jon: [straight-faced] I stopped high-fiving when I became an adult (that's a lie).

Homeless man: [becomes agitated] Ya think you're some kinda big shot!?

Jon: I don't need to deal with this shit. Thanks for your time. Have a nice day.

Homeless man: You scared of me!?

Jon: No, I'm heading to work and don't want bum stink on me.

Homeless man: [drunkenly stumbles off of curb and falls in the street thus blocking traffic]

Jon: It's supposed to snow today, stay warm.

Homeless man: [from street] Fuck you ya fuckin' prick!

So I guess this proves my theory correct. People are nicer to bums homeless people during the holiday season.

...and homeless people are just as caring.

Shower Science

I think I come up with a lot of good ideas while I'm showering in the morning. However, I usually forget them almost immediately, so they're probably not that good. I remembered this one when I got to work so I fleshed out the rest of the details.

Here's the easiest way to tell if a guy under 30 is single. Does he have a beard? If so then he's probably single. And I'm not talking about stylized facial hair like goatees and soul patches, I'm talking about real beards, Grizzly Adams type shit. Using my quick and dirty scientific method: coming up with an idea (see 1st paragraph) and guesstimating a percentage (see continuation of sentence), I would say it is 80% accurate.

Here's my reasoning. It is my experience that women in their 20's like guys clean shaven.

Simple as that.

There are a couple of variables that could degrade my 80% figure, but I tried to factor them into the original guesstimation.

Black guys - pretty much anything they do with their hair turns out cool, facial or otherwise. I'll give them a free pass on the 90's because I still think shaved in dollar signs are rad.

Not rad.

Guys in bands - chicks usually dig guys in bands regardless of appearance. How else would Gene Simmons* have nailed all of those groupies?

*I know Gene Simmons didn't sport a beard in Kiss, he's just ugly.

Hippies - What's the third thing you think of after drugs and smelly? Scraggly looking beards. I'm pretty sure in the unwritten code of the hippie it's a requirement, or they confiscate all of your tie dyed goods.

The Amish - I don't really know anything about them except for all the stereotypical stuff that I've learned though the entertainment industry. So I know that they farm, don't use electricity, have beards, and bowl 15 frames instead of the normal 10.

We don't have a cow. We have a bull.

If any ladies in their 20's want to verify or dispute my theory, please leave a comment.

If any guys in their 20's with beards want to verify or dispute my theory, please leave a comment.

If any ladies with beards in their 20's want to verify or dispute my theory, please leave a comment, but I don't think you are reading this because I heard that the traveling carnival doesn't have a dependable internet connection. It's hard to find a good WiFi signal out in the sticks.