Tuesday, September 11, 2007

More than meets the eye

Sorry nerds, nothing about Transformers here. This is about something more important than the eternal battle between the forces of good and evil, in robotic form. This is about Justin Timberlake. I recently watched Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveShow HBO special and I must say that it was impressive. Wait a second, did I just admit that on the internet? There goes my rep.

...or does it? I've noticed that everyone in the world loves him like White America used to love OJ Simpson, and I think I know why. The man can seemingly do no wrong, here are a few quick examples:

He's sensitive: he cried on Punk'd

He's willing to help a friend in need: attempted to put their differences aside and offered to write Britney a comeback duet

He cares about the children: hosted the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards and let them slime him (thanks Wikipedia, you won't see me on To Catch a Predator)

He's funny: hosted the shit out of SNL, and won an Emmy for his efforts

He's selfless: I heard a rumor that he attempted to rescue a box of puppies from a mansion where the millionaire owner planned to turn them into a coat

Wow, what a guy! Unfortunately like OJ ("If I Did It" author/host of "Juiced"), I bet that there are some skeletons in his closet and I think I've figured him out. (And I know that some of those examples could be disputed, but they certainly talked him up, didn't they?)

With the current state the music industry is in, do you really expect anyone to actually be making money? I don't care if you sell a couple million records, if you're on a major label you ain't making shit. It isn't the 90's anymore when anyone on a major label who sells millions of records gets rich, like for instance, TLC. I personally blame the kids today with their iPods, Napster, and rap music for making all these poor musicians um... poor. After thousands of hours of careful research, and then hundreds of additional hours of accounting work, I've determined that Justin Timberlake only made $46,239, pretax, in the year 2006. But then how can he afford to keep up his extravagant lifestyle? Wait for it...

Slaves. There I said it. And I'm not talking about Asian sex slaves, but the "472 years of slavery" slaves. All the signs point to this.

Look at all the black people who hang around him. The man has an MC Hammer-sized entourage, and I'm pretty sure he had the motherfuckin' Time as his live band on the special. Now, before you say that they're paid performers or his friends let me stop you. Obviously you don't know how to read because I just told you that he only pulled down 46K last year, so he couldn't even afford to have me to dance on his tour, let alone a veritable United Nations of dancers and musicians.

Paid performer argument:Joe Theismann's leg::My response:Lawrence Taylor

And don't worry "what if they're really friends" sympathizers, you're next. I consider myself to have a lot in common with JT ...kind of. I'm white, can dance, play basketball, wear wrinkled suits with sneakers, and have a sweet ass; so why don't I have a ton of black friends like he does? The fact is, most black people don't want to be friends with white people. Why? I'm guessing because we have looted the shit out of their culture. Look at some of the stuff us crackers have stolen:

Music - rock 'n' roll, rap, Vampire Weekend

Language/Slang - funky fresh, cold chillin', word up, homey, two snaps up, etc... (meticulously researched by watching the first season of In Living Color)

Style/Fashion - hip-hop, cornrows, prison tattoos, long basketball shorts

Inventions - the traffic light, peanut butter, supersoakers

Individuals - Tiger Woods, the Gumbel brothers, the guy from the Police Academy movies who made those crazy sound effects

Wow, the list just goes on and on and Justin straddles the line between white boy and whiteboy, so naturally I would expect backlash. So taking from that, we learn that black people don't want to hang out with him because he's a culture thief. So then who are all the black people seen hanging around him all the time? That's right, Slaves.

Now I know all the naysayers out there will say that my arguments are only speculation and don't constitute real evidence. Well Lynne Thigpen, here's your smoking gun.

Let's take a quick look at Mr. Timberlake's latest release.

Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds.

Now if you divide all the letters into three groups you get:

jnbienso, stmelarsve, -uitrkfutuesx/leoud

Rotate the "/" about 55 degrees clockwise and combine with the "-" into a "=". Now substitute "uitrkfutuesxleoud" for "a" then add it to the second group.

Now we are left with: jnbienso, stmelarsvea, =

If I move the = between the two groups and rearrange the letters we get:

no benjis = slave master

Chilling, isn't it.

Straight up, the motherfucker's got moves, and he's banged some of the hottest tail in the entertainment industry, but I can't approve of slavery. Sorry to out you JT, but it just isn't cool. And not to kick a man when he's down but I wouldn't be surprised if he's also involved in the Mike Vick dogfighting scandal. Like I learned in Rush Hour 2, there's always a white guy looking for his cut.


Tequila Mockingbird said...

i am not a violent person.. but something about justin timberlake makes me want to taser him. perhaps just to hear his futurelovesex sounds transformed into futuretazerscrote sounds.

yes, i know, this is not healthy...

Anonymous said...

justin timberflake is just another corny white boy.. not original.. his steez is weak.. his voice sucks; annoying.. doesn't write nor play any of his music.. he is manufactured material.. as if they made him up in a lab.. garbage; another corny cracker!