Friday, June 22, 2007

Shower Science

I think I come up with a lot of good ideas while I'm showering in the morning. However, I usually forget them almost immediately, so they're probably not that good. I remembered this one when I got to work so I fleshed out the rest of the details.

Here's the easiest way to tell if a guy under 30 is single. Does he have a beard? If so then he's probably single. And I'm not talking about stylized facial hair like goatees and soul patches, I'm talking about real beards, Grizzly Adams type shit. Using my quick and dirty scientific method: coming up with an idea (see 1st paragraph) and guesstimating a percentage (see continuation of sentence), I would say it is 80% accurate.

Here's my reasoning. It is my experience that women in their 20's like guys clean shaven.

Simple as that.

There are a couple of variables that could degrade my 80% figure, but I tried to factor them into the original guesstimation.

Black guys - pretty much anything they do with their hair turns out cool, facial or otherwise. I'll give them a free pass on the 90's because I still think shaved in dollar signs are rad.


Not rad.

Guys in bands - chicks usually dig guys in bands regardless of appearance. How else would Gene Simmons* have nailed all of those groupies?


*I know Gene Simmons didn't sport a beard in Kiss, he's just ugly.

Hippies - What's the third thing you think of after drugs and smelly? Scraggly looking beards. I'm pretty sure in the unwritten code of the hippie it's a requirement, or they confiscate all of your tie dyed goods.

The Amish - I don't really know anything about them except for all the stereotypical stuff that I've learned though the entertainment industry. So I know that they farm, don't use electricity, have beards, and bowl 15 frames instead of the normal 10.


We don't have a cow. We have a bull.

If any ladies in their 20's want to verify or dispute my theory, please leave a comment.

If any guys in their 20's with beards want to verify or dispute my theory, please leave a comment.

If any ladies with beards in their 20's want to verify or dispute my theory, please leave a comment, but I don't think you are reading this because I heard that the traveling carnival doesn't have a dependable internet connection. It's hard to find a good WiFi signal out in the sticks.

1 comment:

Lucy said...

Guys with beards--- to be honest, I don't think your theory holds water. It's not quite a foolproof litmus test. But I can't quite put a finger on where it leaks. We ladies will forgive you on this one. After all, it was a theory developed in the shower. But then again, John Mayer thought of "Body is a Wonderland" in the shower--and now he has a Grammy. Go figure!