White Boys Can Dance Last-Minute Halloween Tips '09

Halloween is hands down my favorite holiday of the year. I don't think I really need to use that many words to justify why I feel this way, so I'll use these: parties, candy, slutty costumes, fiery gourds, and all things spooktacular (a criminally underused word).

So to help out some of the other single gentlemen of the world to better enjoy their festivities this weekend, I'm going to dole out a couple of costume-related tips.

If you're trying to meet the ladies, don't wear one of the stupid sexually suggestive costumes that your buddies snicker at in iParty.

"Who has two thumbs and is a douche?"

That is unless you're looking for a girl who doesn't wear underpants to church (a whore); they eat that shit right up. In fact, I've devised a whole theory of clothing. Here's the quick 'n dirty: I think you dress yourself not necessarily in a style that you like, you dress in said style to attract a certain type of person. If that's too mind numbing here's an example: if you want to attract some Jersey trash, then wear an Affliction shirt. And here's me using a colon in a third consecutive sentence: there it is. And now that I typed it out it seems so obvious that I should delete it, buuuuuut I don't want to delete my shot at Affliction shirts because seriously, look at them. Moving on.

This one is better because it's not inviting anyone to fellate you, but I feel it still comes off as you having a high opinion of yourself. I would equate this to wearing a t-shirt that says "Italian Stallion" or "Everyone Loves a Greek Boy". However, it's a great costume for a fat guy because irony is always funny (for awhile at least).

If you're looking for a real chick magnet get yourself one of these:

Now you may think Mr. Jackson's deceased status or questionable record when it comes to children would be a turn-off. You would be wrong. I wore my Thriller jacket to a party last evening and by the end of the night it had more breasts in it than the poultry section of your local grocers. That might be a bit much in the information department, but it actually serves a purpose. That that type of playful interaction leads to conversation, and if you play your cards right, phone numbers. You're welcome.

Oh and one final tip. Don't get blackout drunk in a bar party or pictures may end up on Facebook of you licking some random shirtless guy's nipples on the sidewalk for no discernible reason -- at least that's what I heard from my friend in Canada.

Happy Boxing Day

...from baby Hitler. And I'm not dead, I've been working on something that I should get up in the next couple days. I promise.

The Wrong Stuff

Last night I was checking one of the 75 e-mail accounts I have and don't check regularly and saw that I had an e-mail from PayPal. The subject of said e-mail was Your payment has been refunded. I didn't remember paying for anything recently so I of course had to open it up. It turns out that my $7.94 was being refunded for a New Kids on the Block t-shirt I had won on eBay a month back. The sellers message about the refund was as follows:

Enclosed is a full refund for the New Kids on the Block shirt you purchased on Ebay. The shirt had already sold out so was no longer available. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience this has caused you. Thank you.

Most people would accept this apology and move on, especially over a 99-cent shirt (shipping was extra) featuring Boston's favorite sons New Kids on the Block. I am not most people. Here is the response that I sent to the seller:

Dear son of a bitch,

How dare you cancel my order for one medium New Kids on the Block t-shirt in unworn condition? I purchased that t-shirt as a gift for the child I sponsor in Africa. Undoubtedly you've seen the commercials with the sickly looking kids covered in flies and living in what looks like a garbage dump. Well I got me one of them. Now little Njanu will have to continue to hobble (due to malnutrition) around Africa nude, which I've learned from the Conservative Christians is shameful and makes the baby Jesus cry. I hope you can live with yourself.

Respectfully,
Jon

When I got to work this morning I saw that the eBay seller had responded:

Dear Jon,

I again would like to extend my sincerest apologies for the mix up. I unfortunately cannot send you the item that was listed because it had been previously sold. Due to the special circumstances in it's place I could send you a Bryan Adams t-shirt, at no charge. Please let me know.

eBay seller

Bryan Adams!? The Canadian Johnny Cougar? I would not let this stand.

Dear asshole,

A Bryan Adams t-shirt!? Are you trying to be some kind of smart ass? How tough can Njanu look in a Bryan Adams t-shirt. I'm trying to get this kid action from some of those topless African women you see in National Geographic, not some hockey loving, mullet sporting Canadian. I am both insulted and ashamed for you. Please do not respond and prepare to receive negative feedback. I wish nothing but engine troubles and multi-car crashes on your favorite Nascar driver next season.

Sincerely,
Jon

So why the big fuss over a New Kids on the Block t-shirt? Maybe this little picture will answer your question:

Way hetero

How awesome would I look in that? Oh yeah, time to come clean. I don't sponsor any kids in Africa. In fact, I immediately change the channel when one of those commercials comes on because those kids are gross looking.

G-A-Y