White Boys Can Dance Last-Minute Halloween Tips '09

Halloween is hands down my favorite holiday of the year. I don't think I really need to use that many words to justify why I feel this way, so I'll use these: parties, candy, slutty costumes, fiery gourds, and all things spooktacular (a criminally underused word).

So to help out some of the other single gentlemen of the world to better enjoy their festivities this weekend, I'm going to dole out a couple of costume-related tips.

If you're trying to meet the ladies, don't wear one of the stupid sexually suggestive costumes that your buddies snicker at in iParty.

"Who has two thumbs and is a douche?"

That is unless you're looking for a girl who doesn't wear underpants to church (a whore); they eat that shit right up. In fact, I've devised a whole theory of clothing. Here's the quick 'n dirty: I think you dress yourself not necessarily in a style that you like, you dress in said style to attract a certain type of person. If that's too mind numbing here's an example: if you want to attract some Jersey trash, then wear an Affliction shirt. And here's me using a colon in a third consecutive sentence: there it is. And now that I typed it out it seems so obvious that I should delete it, buuuuuut I don't want to delete my shot at Affliction shirts because seriously, look at them. Moving on.

This one is better because it's not inviting anyone to fellate you, but I feel it still comes off as you having a high opinion of yourself. I would equate this to wearing a t-shirt that says "Italian Stallion" or "Everyone Loves a Greek Boy". However, it's a great costume for a fat guy because irony is always funny (for awhile at least).

If you're looking for a real chick magnet get yourself one of these:

Now you may think Mr. Jackson's deceased status or questionable record when it comes to children would be a turn-off. You would be wrong. I wore my Thriller jacket to a party last evening and by the end of the night it had more breasts in it than the poultry section of your local grocers. That might be a bit much in the information department, but it actually serves a purpose. That that type of playful interaction leads to conversation, and if you play your cards right, phone numbers. You're welcome.

Oh and one final tip. Don't get blackout drunk in a bar party or pictures may end up on Facebook of you licking some random shirtless guy's nipples on the sidewalk for no discernible reason -- at least that's what I heard from my friend in Canada.

Are you ready to rock!?

Now that Zeptember has passed, we come to my favorite month of the year: Rocktober. And to kick it off it's new music Tuesday here in the states and the new album by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street band is being released (actually it was already released on vinyl, but that's neither here nor there). I've heard the new single Radio Nowhere a bunch recently and have found myself mostly indifferent toward it, it's not great, but it doesn't suck. The only reason that I'm mentioning it is because based on hearing this song, I have come to the conclusion that Bruce Springsteen has finally run out of ideas.

Let's jump into my Delorean and take a quick trip back to the year nineteen hundred and eighty-two. The former president of SAG was keeping busy sticking it to the common man, "The Great White Hope" reaffirmed that there is no master race, my age was still being counted in months, and a little ditty called 867-5309/Jenny was climbing the charts. Peaking at #4 on Billboard's Hot 100, Tommy Tutone managed to piss of a lot of people around the country who had the now infamous digits. I was not one of those people because depending on when it reached #4 in 1982, I most likely wasn't talking yet and even if I was I wouldn't have the cognitive skills to have a telephone conversation (and in case you don't have any cognitive skills, I was a baby in '82). Well in the years since I have grown fond of 867-5309/Jenny; it was the first song I ever remember I willingly performed during a karaoke night, and I have met a few Jenny's while seeing it played by decent cover bands. But I think the reason that I like it so much is it's just so damn catchy.

Well low and behold last month I hear on the local classic rock station that they are about to play the new Bruce Springsteen single. All of a sudden I hear this Jennyesque riff coming out of my speakers. What the fuck Bruce? You just got bagged for ripping off Tommy Tutone. Tommy freakin' Tutone!? Can anyone out there name another Tommy Tutone song off the top of their heads? Unless you were in Tommy Tutone or are directly related to any of the members you cannot, don't even lie to me. And Bruce, if you were going to rip off Tommy Tutone, you shouldn't have picked the only song that everyone knows, you should have picked any of the other couple dozen(?) or so songs that they put out. That's just bush league, I wouldn't even be a little surprised if there's a song on the new album that sounds like Eye of the Tiger.

And since were still back in '82 I've asked famed movie character Clubber Lang for his prediction on a possible fight between the E Street Band and Tommy Tutone, Clubber...?

And I'll see what I can do about getting some mp3's up so you can hear for yourself.