Harder... Faster... Better... Deader

About a month ago Evel Knievel died. That sucks. Evel Knievel has been one of my heroes for one simple reason: he was a bad motherfucker. I'm not talking about jumping motorcycles over shit, which is cool, or holding the record for most broken bones (also cool), but more his "I just don't give a fuck" attitude and swagger that comes with the territory. I know he was old but I never figured he would just go out like some pussy to lung disease at age 69. I figured he'd get to 103 before attempting to jump a motorized wheelchair over 6 flaming hospital beds only to realize as he was hitting the ramp the wheelchair battery was almost dead and he would not make it. It would be all dramatic and classy like the end of 300.

The weekend after he died I kept replaying it in my mind. Lung disease? Evel Knievel!? I just couldn't accept his fate. I did a little reading up on Evel and saw that a few days earlier in the week there was a story that Kanye West had settled out of court with Evel over use of his likeness in a music video last year. I hadn't seen it because I don't give a shit about music videos and don't know where to see them besides YouTube. Then I remembered that the week before Kanye West's mother had died from botched plastic surgery. Hmmmm... My Sherlockian curiosity had been piqued. Kanye West had been involved in two news worthy deaths in a matter of weeks. Coincidence? I think not.

Now I could give you some excuses that I haven't written anything new recently because I decided to join the striking members of the Writers Guild of America, but I'm a not a member, or even a real writer. So then I figured I could say that I have been really busy at work and in addition I have a life, but those would be blatant lies. It turns out that I've been busy researching my hunch: Kanye West is a murderer.

Now before anyone gets all whiny and litigious, I'm using murderer in the least inflammatory sense of the word. Good. Now that my ass is covered on to the evidence.

Exhibit A: Evel Knievel

Here's a picture of Evel Knievel taken before he met with Kanye West. His appearance is so youthful and full of life. Look at him preach to those kids about the evils of drugs, foreign cars, and Communism.

Now here's a picture of Evel Knievel with Kanye West. He looks like the goddamn Cryptkeeper. I attribute that to the brash smugness exuded by one Mr. West who thought it was a good idea to rip off Evel Knievel in the first place which would undoubtedly spur a lawsuit, and whoever has ever been involved with a lawsuit knows that they can suck the life out of you. I bet Kanye's plan was to drag it out long enough so Evel would kick the bucket and his family would drop the suit because they didn't want Evel to be remembered as an old codger only concerned about money who also didn't understand youth culture. Kanye's legal team would also hint at him being a racist. That's pretty low.

Exhibit B: Donda West

I wouldn't have brought it up so soon, but justice must be served. I don't know what Donda did for work, but I bet it didn't provide her the income to become a plastic surgery junkie. And before you call me a racist for assuming she couldn't afford plastic surgery because she's black and therefore had a shitty job, if she worked at all. Let me drop some info on you, I live very comfortably in the Boston area. Now if you didn't know the cost of living up here is among the highest in the country. That being said, I can't afford plastic surgery (as if I would even need it). Actually I probably could if I didn't spend most of my money on pogs, Turbografx-16 games, and astronaut ice cream. So where did she get the money to kill herself? Her famous and wealthy son. Oh yeah, and if you still think I'm racist after that (shit, I'm starting to think I'm racist after that), you should probably read this. See, I'm cool. Now let us move on.

Exhibit C: 50 Cent's credibility

Kanye won the big 9/11 rap off (that sounds so wrong in retrospect) and 50 didn't retire as the said he would. Wait a second, a public figure flip-flopped on a bold statement? Up is down, down is up, cats and dogs are living together in sin, etc... I guess 50's next career move will be to get into politics. I was hoping it would be moving to the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

Exhibit D: Britney Spears' career

Too easy, I'll just move on.

Exhibit E: Ellen Degeneres' judgement

I know the late night shows are returning sans writers next week, but who was the first talk show host to cross the picket line? That's right, Ellen "Big Balls" Degeneres, or Ellen "Scab-bo" Degeneres depending on your take on the issue and your level of bigotry. This deep into the strike pretty much everyone is happy that the talk shows are coming back with new programming so we don't have to watch reruns of Jay Leno interviewing Urkel (at least that's how it would go down in my dreams). But a couple months back when she crossed the picket line she got slammed pretty bad by everyone.

I believe this picture was taken a few weeks before the strike happened, so I checked with one of my inside sources on the Ellen show who mentioned that a conversation was overheard in the green room between Ellen and Kanye. There is no "official" transcript of said conversation, but it may have went down like this:

Ellen: I don't know what I'm going to do if my writers go on strike.

Kanye: Fuck the writers. It's the Ellen show, not the writers show. People come to see you dance and cry about dogs and shit, not to see the writers dance and cry about their problems.

Ellen: You're right Kanye, it IS the Ellen show. Fuck those greedy bitches.

Kanye: Yeah homegirl.

She also looks really stupid in those sunglasses. Take that Ellen!

Exhibit F: Marching Bands

I couldn't really think of anything to say about marching bands, I just thought Kanye looks ridiculous in that picture. What an asshole.

Exhibit G: The Enviroment

Al Gore won an Oscar for producing a film that discusses the very real threat of global warming. The Bush administration says that there isn't enough evidence to say that global warming exists. Hmmmm... which side do I want to take on this subject? Look at the trail of flames following Kanye around. If that happens everywhere he goes then by my calculations there is a significant amount of CO2 being put into our atmosphere every day, which would contribute to global warming. Chalk up another victory to Al Gore over G-Dubbs. I could even conclude that the amount of CO2 is comparable (because he's as hot as Hansel right now) to the amount of methane release into the atmosphere by cattle. If only Kanye's shoes were made of kangaroo asses. Hey, we all have to do our part.

Exhibit H: You?

Haven't I provided enough evidence for you. If you meet Kanye you're fucked. Sorry but that's the way it goes.

Now usually my investigative reporting is just conjecture, wild accusations, and made up evidence, so this post pretty much reinforces that. However this time I did some real reporting and sought out some experts in the field for comment.

My first source was the grim reaper. When reached for comment the grim reaper responded: "Are you saying Kanye is a killer just because he's black? Dude, that's pretty racist. Just kidding. But seriously, I wouldn't want to hang out with that guy, I have a pretty good thing going." I also got managed to get a hold of the devil. When reached for comment the devil responded: "He doesn't work for me, but I like his [killing] style. Do you think you could get me a pair of those sunglasses? It's pretty bright down here in hell." I told the devil that I'm pretty sure that they are mostly ornamental and probably provide little UV protection if any at all. For calling him out he threatened my soul and called me a queer for having a blog. I retorted at least I don't hang around some pit with tied-up half-naked dudes all day and then got the fuck out of there.

Preview: Homeless Report

Most of the shit I write is supposed to be humorous. This will not require any of my assistance. See you tomorrow. [update: 12/27] Tomorrow never came. I'll put it up eventually.

More than meets the eye

Sorry nerds, nothing about Transformers here. This is about something more important than the eternal battle between the forces of good and evil, in robotic form. This is about Justin Timberlake. I recently watched Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveShow HBO special and I must say that it was impressive. Wait a second, did I just admit that on the internet? There goes my rep.

...or does it? I've noticed that everyone in the world loves him like White America used to love OJ Simpson, and I think I know why. The man can seemingly do no wrong, here are a few quick examples:

He's sensitive: he cried on Punk'd

He's willing to help a friend in need: attempted to put their differences aside and offered to write Britney a comeback duet

He cares about the children: hosted the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards and let them slime him (thanks Wikipedia, you won't see me on To Catch a Predator)

He's funny: hosted the shit out of SNL, and won an Emmy for his efforts

He's selfless: I heard a rumor that he attempted to rescue a box of puppies from a mansion where the millionaire owner planned to turn them into a coat

Wow, what a guy! Unfortunately like OJ ("If I Did It" author/host of "Juiced"), I bet that there are some skeletons in his closet and I think I've figured him out. (And I know that some of those examples could be disputed, but they certainly talked him up, didn't they?)

With the current state the music industry is in, do you really expect anyone to actually be making money? I don't care if you sell a couple million records, if you're on a major label you ain't making shit. It isn't the 90's anymore when anyone on a major label who sells millions of records gets rich, like for instance, TLC. I personally blame the kids today with their iPods, Napster, and rap music for making all these poor musicians um... poor. After thousands of hours of careful research, and then hundreds of additional hours of accounting work, I've determined that Justin Timberlake only made $46,239, pretax, in the year 2006. But then how can he afford to keep up his extravagant lifestyle? Wait for it...

Slaves. There I said it. And I'm not talking about Asian sex slaves, but the "472 years of slavery" slaves. All the signs point to this.

Look at all the black people who hang around him. The man has an MC Hammer-sized entourage, and I'm pretty sure he had the motherfuckin' Time as his live band on the special. Now, before you say that they're paid performers or his friends let me stop you. Obviously you don't know how to read because I just told you that he only pulled down 46K last year, so he couldn't even afford to have me to dance on his tour, let alone a veritable United Nations of dancers and musicians.

Paid performer argument:Joe Theismann's leg::My response:Lawrence Taylor

And don't worry "what if they're really friends" sympathizers, you're next. I consider myself to have a lot in common with JT ...kind of. I'm white, can dance, play basketball, wear wrinkled suits with sneakers, and have a sweet ass; so why don't I have a ton of black friends like he does? The fact is, most black people don't want to be friends with white people. Why? I'm guessing because we have looted the shit out of their culture. Look at some of the stuff us crackers have stolen:

Music - rock 'n' roll, rap, Vampire Weekend

Language/Slang - funky fresh, cold chillin', word up, homey, two snaps up, etc... (meticulously researched by watching the first season of In Living Color)

Style/Fashion - hip-hop, cornrows, prison tattoos, long basketball shorts

Inventions - the traffic light, peanut butter, supersoakers

Individuals - Tiger Woods, the Gumbel brothers, the guy from the Police Academy movies who made those crazy sound effects

Wow, the list just goes on and on and Justin straddles the line between white boy and whiteboy, so naturally I would expect backlash. So taking from that, we learn that black people don't want to hang out with him because he's a culture thief. So then who are all the black people seen hanging around him all the time? That's right, Slaves.

Now I know all the naysayers out there will say that my arguments are only speculation and don't constitute real evidence. Well Lynne Thigpen, here's your smoking gun.

Let's take a quick look at Mr. Timberlake's latest release.

Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds.

Now if you divide all the letters into three groups you get:

jnbienso, stmelarsve, -uitrkfutuesx/leoud

Rotate the "/" about 55 degrees clockwise and combine with the "-" into a "=". Now substitute "uitrkfutuesxleoud" for "a" then add it to the second group.

Now we are left with: jnbienso, stmelarsvea, =

If I move the = between the two groups and rearrange the letters we get:

no benjis = slave master

Chilling, isn't it.

Straight up, the motherfucker's got moves, and he's banged some of the hottest tail in the entertainment industry, but I can't approve of slavery. Sorry to out you JT, but it just isn't cool. And not to kick a man when he's down but I wouldn't be surprised if he's also involved in the Mike Vick dogfighting scandal. Like I learned in Rush Hour 2, there's always a white guy looking for his cut.