I also enjoy when Chevy Chase does this...

My office co-inhabitant has been on vacation this week. This is excellent news. Normally that statement would be made because the subject of said statement is a self-absorbed prick, smells bad, or [fill in any other negative attribute you could label a person with]. Not him. He's a nice guy, with good enough hygiene (doesn't stink from where I sit), and sports a glorious, curly mullet. Oh, and did I mention he loves classic rock? Well you had to see that one coming. And I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say he loves it potentially more than his children. He's basically a blue-blooded version of Joe Dirt.

So why the joy over his temporary departure? Since he's a rocker through and through, rules dictate that the act of rocking must be constant and take place at an acceptable level regardless of professional surroundings; which translates to a constant audio blitz of the sounds of the 60's and 70's emanating from his desktop speakers. Also, none of this pussy level 3 shit. Rocking takes place at 8 or 9, minimum (7 for conference calls). And I wouldn't be surprised if his speakers actually went to 11.

Now, I should be able to get behind this because being a fan of music I try to listen to it all day too. But due to my inferior speakers and/or desire to not exclusively listen to guitar-driven anthems, I just can't compete with him. Now I'm not disparaging classic rock at all. I love it. I just don't need to hear Boston's 1976 debut album thrice a week, followed up with a one-sided, in-depth discussion of a Brad Delp side project (I nod politely). I also don't need to be reminded several times a week that two original members of Boston are in a band with an original member of John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band (the fucking stupidest name for a band ever) and a local car dealership tycoon.

As a polite person -- really, I hold doors for women and always say "thank you" -- I find it difficult to ask him to shut the fuck up. I've tried to put myself in his mindset to no avail. Is he really that inconsiderate? Can he just not hear that well anymore after the combination of years of concerts and getting old? Did all those drugs he enjoyed in the 70's eat his brain?

To support one of those guesses (drugs) I will add that he also loves ABBA, which doesn't really fit into the M.O. I've laid out. At least several times a week, when I come in to the office in the morning ABBA is playing. Some people drink coffee to get their day going. Others go for a run. Yet others rub one out. He feels it necessary to start his day with live versions of "Super Trouper" and "Fernando" playing over, and over, and over, and over again. Most likely while rubbing one out. Gross.

The most shocking news in the history of the world!

From the AP:

DALLAS - A tour bus carrying hip-hop artist Snoop Dogg was pulled over and two people were arrested on marijuana possession charges Thursday a few hours before a concert in Dallas, a spokesman for the Texas Department of Public Safety said.

DPS spokesman Charlie Morgan said members of a commercial vehicle inspection team pulled the bus over on Interstate 45 in Corsicana because the vehicle had an expired registration sticker. Troopers searched the bus for drugs after they said they smelled marijuana and found two ounces of the drug, he said.

Ethan Calhoun, 27, and Kevin Barkey, 26, were arrested on drug charges after admitting the drugs belonged to them, Morgan told The Associated Press. Both men were taken to the Navarro County Jail and face fines of up to $2,000 and six months in jail if convicted, Morgan said. Bond was set at $1,500 each.

The Corsicana Daily Sun reported the men appeared before a justice of the peace and were released after posting bond.

Snoop Dogg, whose birth name is Cordozar Calvin Broadus Jr., was not arrested. His agent had no comment, a secretary said. Calls to public relations representatives for the rapper were not immediately returned Thursday evening.

He was arrested last year at Bob Hope Airport in Burbank, Calif., on suspicion of transporting marijuana.

Police later charged him with gun possession after finding a firearm in his home. He pleaded no contest in April 2007 to felony gun and marijuana charges and agreed to five years' probation and 800 hours of community service.

He was scheduled to appear at a concert near the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. He is on tour with alternative rock group 311.

Corsicana is 52 miles south-southeast of Dallas.

Really? Some nogoodniks on Snoop Dogg's tour bus were in possession of marijuana? That's hard to believe. It's not like the guy every glorified the use of marijuana in any of his endeavors before.

This Just In: the sky is blue.

But seriously, I don't get how this doesn't happen more often. How don't dudes like Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson get arrested daily? Probably for the same reason people like Nicole Richie go to jail for 82 minutes. Because their dads had something to do with the making of Dancing on the Ceiling.

Everybody Can* Dance

My best friend is getting married tomorrow. There will be a ceremony. There will be a reception. There will be alcohol. There will be dancing. I have a crazy hangover this morning and I'm going to try to get out of work early to go play a little golf with the poor bastard; so I'm going to put up the post my sister wrote for me a month or so back. I'm happy I waited because it unintentionally relates to tomorrow's festivities. This is probably the most well-written post that will ever appear on this blog, so don't get used to it. (Although I think my Super Bowl "article" is pretty damn good)

Stamps, rocks, assorted “miraculous” food items containing the face of Jesus; people collect all sorts of crap. As for my personal items of covet, they include Happy Holidays Barbie (don’t knock it, the original is worth quite a pretty penny), and Hard Rock Café pilsner glasses. HRC pilsners are a great way to show off where you have been as you enjoy a nice frosty beverage. (Although in retrospect, shot glasses would have been a better choice, as they are much easier to transport). Sometimes I just go to the gift shop and buy the glass, but other times, an “all American meal” (yes, I know the original HRC was in London) with a side of “Rock” music is the perfect comfort when abroad.

After a stressful search for our hotel in Lisbon (Dear Residencial Florescente, it would have been nice if you told us that you are located on a pedestrian only street and therefore we wouldn’t be able to find you in a car! Nice hotel though, highly recommended if in Lisbon.), we were tired, hungry and cranky. Therefore, we decided to eat at the Hard Rock Café as we had already passed it 10 times while en route to our lodging.

With each sip of my delicious chocolate milkshake from the latest addition to my collection, I became more at ease. With every crispy onion ring, and Aerosmith song, our crankiness was melting away. As if to call an official end to the tension between us, the Queen Mother of all bonding songs lit up the TV in front of us. Oh yeah, calling all ladies to the dance floor. It’s time to get down. Now presenting Sister Sledge, “We Are Family.”

Just hearing the songs title evokes a mental image. We’ve all seen it a thousand times. You don’t really need me to give the play-by-play, but I am going to anyway.

You‘re at some function; it doesn’t matter if it’s a wedding, birthday, bar mitzvah, Easter parade, earth day celebration, etc. thrown by your family, friends, or even distant acquaintances.

The first few beats come on and all the ladies stop whatever they are doing. There is some hooting, some clapping and a stampede to the dance floor. Let’s not forget the ladies that try to drag their husbands, boyfriends and children to the dance floor with them.

Knowing the spectacle that is about to unfold, these innocent bystanders protest, and the lucky ones are able to escape to the refuge of the bathroom or the bar. The weak willed and weak armed are thrown to the lions, but after about 30 seconds of dodging arm waving, right-on-sister pointing, and you-go-girl claps, their captors are too busy boogieing to notice their escape. If it is noticed, they simply get a “you are no fun!” before the lady gets her groove back.

Once all of the forced participants have escaped or given in to the phenomenon, the fancy footwork can begin. The aforementioned claps, waves, points and hoots are the backbone for the dance, but now the jazzier elements can be added. Did I just see a twirl? Shout out to Mom! What about a side step with a scoop and clap? Way to represent, Aunt Mildred! Where’s the shimmy/twisting action? Go grandma, go grandma!

But let’s not forget, the message of this song is not about showing off our individual skillz, it is about celebrating our shared bond, be it by blood, marriage, or similar tastes in party jams. The ladies have not forgotten this either, as they have been working up to their signature move.

You know it, you love it. It’s time for the ladies to get in a line or circle, the arms to go around each other’s shoulders, and the sway begins. Sure, it will take a few sways to get everyone going the right direction, but no family is perfect. Now depending on the amount of alcohol consumed/Broadway aspirations of the participants, the sway might turn into the Holy Grail of the ladies dance: the kick line. Even the famous Sister Sledge can only pull it off for a mere few seconds at the end of the video.

It may not be perfect, but you can bet your bottom dollar that Rockettes auditions aren’t nearly as full of love.

So as party season gets into full swing, I know you will encounter this display, and I ask that you remember that although it is cheesy, it is a message of love and celebration that can always be counted on. But if you can’t help but cringe the next time you hear this song, just be happy you aren’t watching this:

(Although that puppy in the cotton candy machine is the cutest f’in thing I have ever seen!) I think even Sister Sledge would get over their love fest and hang their head in embarrassment. But then again, what’s more family than that?

*Meaning everybody has the physical ability to move to music, not necessarily that everybody has rhythm. The prior statement excludes quadriplegics, coma victims, and other assorted vegetables.

I Guess I Guess

Monday night I attended the Sons and Daughters/Bodies of Water show at the Middle East downstairs. Bodies of Water put out one of my favorite albums last year so I've been jonesing to see them live. I'm hoping that it was either the day after Easter thing or a Monday night thing because the turnout was pretty weak. I would guesstimate that there were 125 people at most at the show. I've literally seen more people at basement shows back in the day in a place a fraction of the size. That's just depressing so I'm going to move on.

Bodies of Water kept having problems with the mix. It literally took half of their set for the soundboard jackass technician to get it decent. If you haven't heard them before they harmonize a lot. All four of them. And it's awesome. What's not awesome is not hearing the vocals and hearing crazy loud bass. I'm not saying that I don't like bass. Hell, I love me some bass. Did you see Randy Jackson jammin' out during Paula Abdul's Super Bowl pre-game performance? Bad. Mother. Fucker. But I don't like being overwhelmed with bass when the harmonies are such vital parts of the songs. The low turnout and the poor mix definitely took the band out of the performance a bit. They actually asked the audience for any requests at one point. I've only seen cover bands do that before. A bit disheartening. Despite all that, I still think they were excellent. I don't remember the setlist because I don't think they had one, but they played my favorites and a couple new songs, which were also excellent. All and all, they weren't really trying and still put on a better performance than many bands I've seen in the past. Please see them if they come to your town. You shant regret it.

And they're tearing around the country in a 90's camper. Tour bus? Too gaudy. Tour van? Boring. Tour camper? Yup! And you can even take a pit stop in the mountains for a few days if you want. That's exactly what I would do if I had any musical ability, talent, and there were people who wanted to see me perform live. And how do I know that the camper was theirs? Because I asked.

After Sons and Daughters' set I stopped by the Bodies of Water merch table to purchase some wares. I scooped up their album and a t-shirt. Now I had the BoW album for quite some time now, but I hadn't owned it legally. I know that's wrong, but I could never find it in any of my local music stores (and I'm not talking about Wal*Mart or Best Buy). I could have ordered it over the internet, but I don't trust the internet. I heard from my church group that there's sex perverts on the internet. Sex perverts? Yes. Sex perverts. I can't in good faith do business with anything that associates itself with sex perverts. Sorry internet. So I bought it in person, which the band actually gets a bigger cut of (I hope). Conscience clean. I don't really own or wear band t-shirts because that's so nineteen 80's (in retrospect I think that "style" actually started in the 70's, but that takes away from my point, so work with me). Now I love the 80's in the same ironic fashion as much as the next 20-something year old, but that's retarded 80's, like the shit Bon Jovi wore during the Living on a Prayer video. Nothing in that video will ever be cool again. Ever. So even to my surprise I saw a t-shirt that caught my eye which I wanted to exchange legal tender for. Much to my dismay they didn't have any men's mediums (jealous?). So David, the male lead vocalist/guitarist, who was working the merch table offered to run out to the camper to grab me one. How rad is that? Most merch peddlers would tell you you're SOL if they didn't have your size. Instead one of the key members of the band dashes off into the night risking life and limb to get me a $10 t-shirt. Awesome. While he was away I was talking to their friend who was also working the table. I don't remember the kid's name, but I do remember he was 19 and was going to school in Boston. Which conveniently leads into my exclusive interview with David from Bodies of Water. Why does it conveniently lead into my exclusive interview with David? Because I also don't remember most of our conversation because I was way drunker than I thought I was.

Here's how the conversation interview went, and I'm not going to quote anything because again I was somewhat drunk and didn't record anything, take notes, or even ask permission for an interview (please don't sue). I also can't guarantee the order is correct so I put it in the most logical order. Here's what I remember:

Me: You guys were awesome.
David: Thanks, I thought we had an off night.
Me: Well I still thought you were awesome.

Me: Are you guys touring in that sweet 70's camper that I saw parked out back?
David: It's actually from the 90's, and yes we are.
Me: I knew it. That's so rad.

Me: Can I get that t-shirt in medium? [points to t-shirt]
David: We don't have any, but I can run out to the camper and get you one.
Me: Please do good sir (may have classed up my answer, then again maybe not as it sounds like something I would say while drunk).

[David takes off like the Roadrunner, leaving a cloud of dust in his likeness behind]

Me: So what's your deal? Are you on tour with the band?
19: I'm friends with the band. I go to school in Boston.
Me: That's cool. Is this their first time out here?
19: No, they were here in October.
Me: I think you're a liar because I didn't hear about the show (I'm quite sure I said that).

[David returns with the quickness]

David: Here's your shirt.
Me: Sweet.
GF: I can't believe you bought that.

Then we talked for another five or ten minutes before security made us leave. Wow, that interview was pretty much a recap of everything I already talked about. I thought I remembered more, I guess not. Now to further recap: I like Bodies of Water. David from Bodies of Water is a stand-up human being. Their friend goes to school in Boston. Oh yeah, Sons and Daughters were also very good. They also have a great album and you should give it a listen. And their female lead singer wears purple sequined hot pants, which may interest some of you sex perverts.

Worth $10 and risking life and limb? You betcha.

It wasn't a rock...

While perusing my e-mail last week I saw in the weekly Live Nation e-mail that the B-52's were coming to town next month. I've never seen the B-52's and figured that would be a pretty fun show to attend, especially in a club setting. That was a few days ago. I now realize that it wasn't my best idea. Let me come out and say that Rock Lobster is one of my favorite songs of all time. Seriously. I don't know why, but it's awesome. And if you disagree then let me impart a little knowledge on you, it is number 146 on Rolling Stone's 500 greatest songs of all time. So fuck you hater (it pains me to use that word). And I know Rolling Stone doesn't mean shit to my generation, but that's still better than some indie music blog ironically saying that it's cool to like it. Fucking hipsters. Me saying that could also be considered ironic, but I like to think a far more accurate statement would be that hipsters like to dress in the same manner that I occasionally dress.

So I ran the idea by my girlfriend Sunday and she gave me the are you sure because that sounds pretty gay look. You know that look right? Am I the only one? When that gay guy said he liked my cardigan while I was holding the door open for several people leaving a restaurant while in Hartford on Saturday night, he was only complementing my choice of wardrobe and not really thinking I want to do things to this white boy that would make a Catholic priest jealous, wasn't he? This hasn't happened to anyone? Hmmmm...

So anyway, lesson learned:

B-52's live = gay, even if you see them with your girlfriend.

Concert Review: Point/Counterpoint

I was out of my friggin' mind yesterday because I've been fighting illness and was working on a couple hours sleep. That being said, I decided to write up a review of the show I went to the night before that contributed to my insanity. I don't feel like editing it so I'm just going to post what seemed like a good idea at the time. Comments I added today will be (in parenthesis). Basically I wanted to post something on Leap Year Day, so I won't have to wait four years for another chance to do this (and I probably won't be blogging in four years, so I'll take the opportunity while I have it). Here it is, and I know it sucks:

Last night (Wednesday night) I attended Via Audio/Headlights/Evangelicals/This Car Up show at the Middle East Upstairs. There was some drunk 70 year-old-looking guy standing near me (this is 100% true) so I decided to get his opinion of the show based on his body language.

This Car Up
I missed their set while enjoying drinks with my new lady friend. That being said, I hadn't encountered the drunk 70 year-old yet.

Evangelicals
Me: They said they are from Oklahoma yet they dressed like they worked at Hot Topic. I'm guessing their local Hot Topic was shut down for being a tool of the devil so they had to form a band to keep dressing like that. They put on an interesting show that included prominent use of blacklight and a strobe light solo that went on long enough to give me epilepsy, but the crowd wasn't really into them. If you haven't heard them I would describe their sound as a cross between Blind Melon and My Chemical Romance, sort of. If your high school was having a Halloween party I would suggest hiring this band (not really).
Drunk 70 year-old: [drunkenly stumbles into me, gives me a dirty look]

Headlights
Me: Despite being second on the bill, they were the reason that mostly everyone was there, myself included. I really enjoyed their last album and embarrassingly didn't realize they put out a new album last week until I read about it elsewhere. Most of their set comprised of the new album and I only noticed one song from prior releases. It was a very good, albeit short set. They are very musically gifted and looked like they had a ball playing. And while leaving we got see them pack up their van while blasting Journey for all of Cambridge to enjoy. I wish I brought my camera to take video of that (it was a real cool scene, and it was also snowing).
Drunk 70 year-old: [kept Shhh'ing anyone who talked during the set, even during breaks between songs (I wanted to punch him in the face, but I saw what Bob Barker did to Happy Gilmore so I decided to play it safe)]

Via Audio
Me: At least half of the crowd took off after the Headlights set. Their loss. I don't think I've seen Via Audio before, and that's too bad because they were fucking excellent. I'm not going to try to describe them musically, because it would just be an insult to what they did on stage (and because I'm sucky at reviewing music). I'll just say that there was much dancing and hand clapping in the crowd. Check out their MySpace to give them a listen, and if they come to your city/town then I highly suggest you check them out.
Drunk 70 year-old: [somehow got in front of us and kept losing balance and falling into us] [definitely played air guitar on more than one occasion (that was rad)] [also raised his beer over his head without spilling it several times (very impressive)]

The show was excellent all around, and the old guy made it more interesting. At first I thought he was related to someone in one of the bands because old people aren't usually out after the Wheel and Jeopardy, but since he took off after the houselights came up, I just don't know.

(In conclusion, I should not try to write anything when I'm done like that. But I made one good point, go see Via Audio if they come around your burg.)

She Works Hard for Equality

Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money" isn't actually about working hard for the money as it is a social commentary on the state of race relations in the United States of America. Or so that's what I thought while bowling on Sunday. And yes, I was drinking.

Upon re-watching the video this morning I realized I had to tweak my initial assessment. But I didn't want to change my opening statement because it's probably the most intelligent sounding thing I've ever written. Let's discuss.

First the video:

Now the breakdown:

Intro
-Fade in to an hazy image of a woman dancing
-Cut to alarm clock and our protagonist waking up

Racism Meter: low


Chorus 1
-Various scenes of protagonist heading to work interacting with white people
-Cuts of Donna Summer singing chorus
-Protagonist starts scrubbing floor in a hallway

Racism Meter: a little racist


Verse 1
-Protagonist opens diner for business
-Donna Summer sings some more at the diner, no wait staff to be found
-Protagonist walks by counter only to have white man strike her buttocks, she gives a half-hearted smile

Racism Meter: a little more racist


Chorus 2
-Protagonist shown sewing at what can only be described as a Nike factory
-Donna Summer shown singing by punch clock, protagonist can't bear to look at her
-Protagonist shown walking home with groceries inter-cut with shots of Donna Summer
-Children are shown playing catch on front lawn

Racism Meter: still racist


Verse 2
-Protagonist watches Donna Summer sing through barred windows quite racistly
-Protagonist makes dinner for rotten kids who are fighting at the dinner table
-Protagonist goes into bedroom, feels up picture of a dancer (possible lesbian tendencies?)
-Rotten kids still fighting

Racism Meter: pretty racist, and somewhat negligent


Chorus 3
-Montage of protagonists likely typical day, pretty terrible

Racism Meter: not much racism here


Verse 3
-Protagonist falls to ground, Donna Summer assists protagonist to feet
-Protagonist gets into the back-off stance and backs away
-Some sort of choreographed sewing is going on
-Protagonist returns to home that has been robbed, drops her shit, assumingly loses mind
-Donna Summer tries to forcibly enter house?

Racism Meter: very racist


Guitar Solo
-Dream sequence where protagonist is dancing in street with a multicultural ensemble
-There may or may not have been some jazz hands involved

Racism Meter: far less racist


Chorus 4
-Donna Summer singing on balcony above the dance production that's taking place in the street below
-Protagonist walks away clearly disgusted after realizing that "urbanites" have joined in her good times

Racism Meter: confirmed racist


And the conclusion:

I guess my initial assessment was pretty astute, even after enjoying a few adult beverages. I hope this makes you think a little bit today. And I know I learned a lesson. What the lesson is, I'm not exactly sure. But I think it involves not being a racist.

Living Dead Attack Super Bowl

BOSTON (WBCD) -- Since the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" in 2004, halftime at the Super Bowl has been mostly a ho-hum affair. Considered edgy in their respective primes, The Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney followed the two subsequent years with safe, family-friendly performances. Even the oft-controversial Prince was mostly kept in check during his performance in Miami last year. However all of this changed this past Sunday during the halftime performance that was supposed to feature Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

Instead home viewers with high definition television sets were shocked to see reanimated corpses on stage performing cuts from Tom Petty's solo album Full Moon Fever along with an additional song. When reached for comment, the halftime show producer Don Mischer responded "That was Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers out there, I swear." Despite reassurances most of the nation agrees that it was the living dead on stage, and not members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. "I hate using the zed word, but I swear there were zombies on stage." responded South Boston resident Tommy McCarthy when questioned about the performance. He added "However, that did sound an awful lot like Tom Petty. Maybe the zombies were lip syncing like Paul Abdul?"

Scientists in the Glendale area have yet to explain this phenomenon, but urge the public not to panic. "This appears to be an isolated incident as no further cases have been reported." stated Dr. Stephen Leung, a professor of biology at Arizona State University. He added "We are doing everything we can to find the cause of this condition, and if necessary a cure." This response has done little to quell the furor on the internet.

In fact thousands of theories have already emerged on the internet just days after the performance. One of the most common stems from news of Asteroid 2007 TU24 closely passing the Earth last week. Astronomical message boards have been ablaze with posts debating the materials Asteroid 2007 TU24 was comprised of and the effects it would have on biological life on Earth. On one such message board, Space-Talk, the poster Spock<369 suggested this theory, "I viewed the event [asteroid passing the Earth] at home using my Celestron NexStar 8 SE and detected a faint purple-ish [sp] glow emanating from the object. As this object did not enter or even graze our atmosphere, the glow could have only come from the object emitting some sort of cosmic radiation. This radiation surely is the cause of the sudden reanimation of the deceased."

Experts did find it strange that the undead performers seemed more interested in playing with the instruments on stage than feasting on the flesh of the crowd surrounding the stage. "Perhaps these particular specimens prefer their food aged like a fine wine or cognac?" pondered noted zombie expert Kenneth Foree, referring to the mostly young crowd that surrounded the stage.

A press release from Tom Petty's record label Warner Bros. Records reads: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were the scheduled performers, and did in fact perform at the Bridgestone Super Bowl XLII Halftime show. The unfounded rumors of zombies playing instead of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are simply untrue. Mr. Petty would like it noted that he is alive and in good health and thanks everyone for their support during this ordeal. He would also like to offer his respect to all deceased people, reanimated or not.

Harder... Faster... Better... Deader

About a month ago Evel Knievel died. That sucks. Evel Knievel has been one of my heroes for one simple reason: he was a bad motherfucker. I'm not talking about jumping motorcycles over shit, which is cool, or holding the record for most broken bones (also cool), but more his "I just don't give a fuck" attitude and swagger that comes with the territory. I know he was old but I never figured he would just go out like some pussy to lung disease at age 69. I figured he'd get to 103 before attempting to jump a motorized wheelchair over 6 flaming hospital beds only to realize as he was hitting the ramp the wheelchair battery was almost dead and he would not make it. It would be all dramatic and classy like the end of 300.

The weekend after he died I kept replaying it in my mind. Lung disease? Evel Knievel!? I just couldn't accept his fate. I did a little reading up on Evel and saw that a few days earlier in the week there was a story that Kanye West had settled out of court with Evel over use of his likeness in a music video last year. I hadn't seen it because I don't give a shit about music videos and don't know where to see them besides YouTube. Then I remembered that the week before Kanye West's mother had died from botched plastic surgery. Hmmmm... My Sherlockian curiosity had been piqued. Kanye West had been involved in two news worthy deaths in a matter of weeks. Coincidence? I think not.

Now I could give you some excuses that I haven't written anything new recently because I decided to join the striking members of the Writers Guild of America, but I'm a not a member, or even a real writer. So then I figured I could say that I have been really busy at work and in addition I have a life, but those would be blatant lies. It turns out that I've been busy researching my hunch: Kanye West is a murderer.

Now before anyone gets all whiny and litigious, I'm using murderer in the least inflammatory sense of the word. Good. Now that my ass is covered on to the evidence.

Exhibit A: Evel Knievel

Here's a picture of Evel Knievel taken before he met with Kanye West. His appearance is so youthful and full of life. Look at him preach to those kids about the evils of drugs, foreign cars, and Communism.

Now here's a picture of Evel Knievel with Kanye West. He looks like the goddamn Cryptkeeper. I attribute that to the brash smugness exuded by one Mr. West who thought it was a good idea to rip off Evel Knievel in the first place which would undoubtedly spur a lawsuit, and whoever has ever been involved with a lawsuit knows that they can suck the life out of you. I bet Kanye's plan was to drag it out long enough so Evel would kick the bucket and his family would drop the suit because they didn't want Evel to be remembered as an old codger only concerned about money who also didn't understand youth culture. Kanye's legal team would also hint at him being a racist. That's pretty low.

Exhibit B: Donda West

I wouldn't have brought it up so soon, but justice must be served. I don't know what Donda did for work, but I bet it didn't provide her the income to become a plastic surgery junkie. And before you call me a racist for assuming she couldn't afford plastic surgery because she's black and therefore had a shitty job, if she worked at all. Let me drop some info on you, I live very comfortably in the Boston area. Now if you didn't know the cost of living up here is among the highest in the country. That being said, I can't afford plastic surgery (as if I would even need it). Actually I probably could if I didn't spend most of my money on pogs, Turbografx-16 games, and astronaut ice cream. So where did she get the money to kill herself? Her famous and wealthy son. Oh yeah, and if you still think I'm racist after that (shit, I'm starting to think I'm racist after that), you should probably read this. See, I'm cool. Now let us move on.

Exhibit C: 50 Cent's credibility

Kanye won the big 9/11 rap off (that sounds so wrong in retrospect) and 50 didn't retire as the said he would. Wait a second, a public figure flip-flopped on a bold statement? Up is down, down is up, cats and dogs are living together in sin, etc... I guess 50's next career move will be to get into politics. I was hoping it would be moving to the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

Exhibit D: Britney Spears' career

Too easy, I'll just move on.

Exhibit E: Ellen Degeneres' judgement

I know the late night shows are returning sans writers next week, but who was the first talk show host to cross the picket line? That's right, Ellen "Big Balls" Degeneres, or Ellen "Scab-bo" Degeneres depending on your take on the issue and your level of bigotry. This deep into the strike pretty much everyone is happy that the talk shows are coming back with new programming so we don't have to watch reruns of Jay Leno interviewing Urkel (at least that's how it would go down in my dreams). But a couple months back when she crossed the picket line she got slammed pretty bad by everyone.

I believe this picture was taken a few weeks before the strike happened, so I checked with one of my inside sources on the Ellen show who mentioned that a conversation was overheard in the green room between Ellen and Kanye. There is no "official" transcript of said conversation, but it may have went down like this:

Ellen: I don't know what I'm going to do if my writers go on strike.

Kanye: Fuck the writers. It's the Ellen show, not the writers show. People come to see you dance and cry about dogs and shit, not to see the writers dance and cry about their problems.

Ellen: You're right Kanye, it IS the Ellen show. Fuck those greedy bitches.

Kanye: Yeah homegirl.

She also looks really stupid in those sunglasses. Take that Ellen!

Exhibit F: Marching Bands

I couldn't really think of anything to say about marching bands, I just thought Kanye looks ridiculous in that picture. What an asshole.

Exhibit G: The Enviroment

Al Gore won an Oscar for producing a film that discusses the very real threat of global warming. The Bush administration says that there isn't enough evidence to say that global warming exists. Hmmmm... which side do I want to take on this subject? Look at the trail of flames following Kanye around. If that happens everywhere he goes then by my calculations there is a significant amount of CO2 being put into our atmosphere every day, which would contribute to global warming. Chalk up another victory to Al Gore over G-Dubbs. I could even conclude that the amount of CO2 is comparable (because he's as hot as Hansel right now) to the amount of methane release into the atmosphere by cattle. If only Kanye's shoes were made of kangaroo asses. Hey, we all have to do our part.

Exhibit H: You?

Haven't I provided enough evidence for you. If you meet Kanye you're fucked. Sorry but that's the way it goes.

Now usually my investigative reporting is just conjecture, wild accusations, and made up evidence, so this post pretty much reinforces that. However this time I did some real reporting and sought out some experts in the field for comment.

My first source was the grim reaper. When reached for comment the grim reaper responded: "Are you saying Kanye is a killer just because he's black? Dude, that's pretty racist. Just kidding. But seriously, I wouldn't want to hang out with that guy, I have a pretty good thing going." I also got managed to get a hold of the devil. When reached for comment the devil responded: "He doesn't work for me, but I like his [killing] style. Do you think you could get me a pair of those sunglasses? It's pretty bright down here in hell." I told the devil that I'm pretty sure that they are mostly ornamental and probably provide little UV protection if any at all. For calling him out he threatened my soul and called me a queer for having a blog. I retorted at least I don't hang around some pit with tied-up half-naked dudes all day and then got the fuck out of there.

U Can't Touch This

I know I've been lacking in posts the last week or so, but work has gotten in the way, which also explains why I'm writing this in Chicago.

Two things to add to my last post critiquing the Chicagoland area:

The accent around here is beyond awful. I know the Boston accent is retahded (hence why I dropped it), but I want to start throwing haymakers. And the worst part of that statement is that I notice it mostly coming from women. I don't want to Ike Turner anyone, so I'm going to try to deal for a couple more days.

However, the Central Time Zone is awesome. I'm quite disappointed in the result of games 3 and 4 of the ALCS, but at least I was able to watch them an hour earlier than I'm used to (well, kind of).

So what does Chicago have to do with the title? Nothing, so keep reading jackass.

I don't remember how, but at some point this week I came across MC Hammer's blog. No bullshit, MC "banana hammock" himself. Why am I bringing this up? First, because MC Hammer is awesome, despite the stupid wardrobe back in the day. Second, because MC Hammer seems to post all the time on his blog. I on the other hand don't post that often.

My posting schedule is as follows: I post when I have the time to write something worthy of other people spending a few minutes of their precious time to hopefully enjoy. So what does that mean?

I am more important than MC Hammer.

Now I just need someone to animate a show about me saving the day by wearing magical dancing shoes.

Are you ready to rock!?

Now that Zeptember has passed, we come to my favorite month of the year: Rocktober. And to kick it off it's new music Tuesday here in the states and the new album by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street band is being released (actually it was already released on vinyl, but that's neither here nor there). I've heard the new single Radio Nowhere a bunch recently and have found myself mostly indifferent toward it, it's not great, but it doesn't suck. The only reason that I'm mentioning it is because based on hearing this song, I have come to the conclusion that Bruce Springsteen has finally run out of ideas.

Let's jump into my Delorean and take a quick trip back to the year nineteen hundred and eighty-two. The former president of SAG was keeping busy sticking it to the common man, "The Great White Hope" reaffirmed that there is no master race, my age was still being counted in months, and a little ditty called 867-5309/Jenny was climbing the charts. Peaking at #4 on Billboard's Hot 100, Tommy Tutone managed to piss of a lot of people around the country who had the now infamous digits. I was not one of those people because depending on when it reached #4 in 1982, I most likely wasn't talking yet and even if I was I wouldn't have the cognitive skills to have a telephone conversation (and in case you don't have any cognitive skills, I was a baby in '82). Well in the years since I have grown fond of 867-5309/Jenny; it was the first song I ever remember I willingly performed during a karaoke night, and I have met a few Jenny's while seeing it played by decent cover bands. But I think the reason that I like it so much is it's just so damn catchy.

Well low and behold last month I hear on the local classic rock station that they are about to play the new Bruce Springsteen single. All of a sudden I hear this Jennyesque riff coming out of my speakers. What the fuck Bruce? You just got bagged for ripping off Tommy Tutone. Tommy freakin' Tutone!? Can anyone out there name another Tommy Tutone song off the top of their heads? Unless you were in Tommy Tutone or are directly related to any of the members you cannot, don't even lie to me. And Bruce, if you were going to rip off Tommy Tutone, you shouldn't have picked the only song that everyone knows, you should have picked any of the other couple dozen(?) or so songs that they put out. That's just bush league, I wouldn't even be a little surprised if there's a song on the new album that sounds like Eye of the Tiger.

And since were still back in '82 I've asked famed movie character Clubber Lang for his prediction on a possible fight between the E Street Band and Tommy Tutone, Clubber...?

And I'll see what I can do about getting some mp3's up so you can hear for yourself.

Drug free, so put the crack up

Donnie D wasn't the backup this evening, I can assure you that. Actually, I can't because I missed the birthday bash because I was too busy ripping a closet out of my apartment (damn you priorities). I also didn't attend because it's not 1989 and I'm not an impressionable youth anymore. And yes, I was into the New Kids in 3rd grade, because the girl I liked was into them, so fuck off. I am a little interested in the friends and family line. The obvious question that springs to mind is if any/all the other New Kids showed up? Jordan, Joey, Jonathan, and ummmm... the other guy. Probably not, just wishful thinking. I'm sure the other guys had more important things to do.

Don't act like you didn't rock one of these back in the day.

Oh yeah, and with today being the 10th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana, I figured I'd link to the post where I covered that topic a couple weeks back: Princess Diana just won't die

It's not as awful as it sounds.

List-a-majig: Gospel Fan?

While waiting to be seated for breakfast on Sunday a large black woman approached me and asked me if I listen to gospel music. I quickly learned that she was trying to sell me a CD of her singing gospel music. I applaud the entrepreneurial spirit and I can't blame her for asking me, as she also asked anyone that was waiting outside, but I don't look like the typical gospel fan. Granted I was waiting alone outside an IHOP in a primarily black part of Baltimore, but a couple things should have told her I wouldn't bite:

1. Hair: Depending on who you are, my hairstyle could be perceived as gay (those dudes clean up nice, why wouldn't I want that?), which could allude to me being gay, which is considered immoral by most churches, which she was selling a gospel album, which usually is singing about God...

I could go on all day.

2. Clothing: Most of the black patrons were dressed in their Sunday best after obviously attending Sunday services. I was dressed in a graphic tee, cargo shorts, and flip flops. The staple of the nondescript Caucasian in the summer (you can substitute a polo for the graphic tee, if you shop at the mall). I obviously didn't just come from church.

You motherfuckers need to find Jesus

3. Backpacks: The only reason we went to IHOP was it was near our hotel, we were hungry, we didn't have a rental car, and we had checked out of our hotel. By checking out of the hotel we had to bring our luggage, which for me was a backpack. I personally don't know many white people who rock a backpack every day. There are college students, couriers, and skateboarders to name a few, but I don't run with those circles, and she probably couldn't tell because we all look the same.

Dog reviews Wolf

Today I'm going to switch it up a little. As I've stated before, I'm quite into music (who the hell isn't?), and I wanted this to be a music blog. The problem with that is that there are already a thousand better music blogs, so I decided not to put all my eggs into that basket. Starting today, I will do an occasional music review, but it won't be standard fare, so don't expect them that often. For my first music review post I have a guest music reviewer. I would link to my guest's blog, but I'm very sure that they don't have one. It will all make sense as you read the back story.

Friday night I was driving home and pulled up next to a police car at a stop light. As always when I'm driving, I had my portable music player cranking out the tunes in a random fashion. At that time Patrick Wolf's "The Magic Position" happened to be rocking out of my speakers (and I don't know if rocking would be the correct way to describe Patrick Wolf, but I digress). This police car was a K9 unit with the dog was riding in the back. I don't think the dog liked the sounds emanating from my windows because it started barking viciously at my car. I know that it didn't smell weed or anything because I've already covered that, albeit in a poor way.

So by removing drugs from the equation I came to the obvious conclusion that police dogs don't like Patrick Wolf. I know he's not everyone's cup of tea, and now I can confidently add police dogs to that list.

"A picture says a thousand words"

...and I couldn't come up with a thousand words, so you get this

Artist: Patrick Wolf

Song: The Magic Position
Album: The Magic Position
Released: February 26, 2007
Verdict: 0 Snausages out of 5

Special thanks to my guest reviewer, the police dog in the K9 police car next to me. If I were the reviewer I would have given the album 3½ Snausages because I dig most of it, but it just wasn't my time to shine today, and I don't rate things on the Snausage scale of excellence.

Slow News Day?

I think Yahoo's servers screwed up this morning and posted some news from 1994. But seriously, I would love to say that I didn't know that Hootie & the Blowfish were still touring, but I got invited to go see them this summer. At least I declined the offer.

Two quick things

I love cover bands.

Let me be more specific, I love good cover bands.

I don't know many people that will admit to that, especially if they are into the indie music scene, but I obviously don't care. I usually have a blast when a good cover band is playing.

I have three requirements that designate a good cover band: musical ability, song catalog, and song selection. I considered adding "low creepyness factor" to the list, but the other three can totally absolve a band of skeezy 50 year old dudes trying to pick up 20 year old girls if they wail and make me shake my ass for a couple hours.

All three requirements are extremely important, but out of the three I believe song selection is most clutch. And to be a little more clear, I'm not specifically talking about a set list. I don't think a cover band should work exclusively off a set list, they need to be able to read the crowd and play to it. Which leads me in to a most important topic.

Cover bands need to know the proper time to play Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'," as it can make or break their set. After years of research (seeing a bunch of cover bands at bars and clubs over the years) I believe there are two acceptable points for it to be played: near the beginning of the set to get a bored crowd fired up, or as I prefer, as the band is wrapping up their final set for the evening. No matter the size of the venue, every crowd goes batshit crazy when they hear the immediately recognizable intro.

Why do guys have to wait three days to call a girl when they get a number?

I forget the specifics, and because this is a rant I don't feel like looking them up, but why is this a rule? Does it seem like we're super desperate if we call the next day and just regular desperate the day after? I don't know if this is a guy rule or a girl rule but it has become antiquated in the current "always plugged in/mobile everything/IM/Blackberry" era. I think one day is acceptable as a sign of respect and reflection for both parties.

So from the two blogged about topics, you can probably surmise that I had a bang-up Saturday night. And yes, I'm going to call her tonight.

Great Success!

Due to the overwhelming success of this blog, and by overwhelming I mean that one other person that I know of has read this (thanks for the comments), I will try to post more often. I have already come up with many topics that I want to write about, I just haven't been putting my fingers to the keyboard. So far 95% of the stuff I have written about has been on the fly so I'll try to develop some of these ideas and hopefully be entertaining as I know people don't want to read about my day to day life, because that shit is boring and I don't want to write about it, so I will keep it to a minimum.

Now back to the first sentence. In fact this success had convinced me to start a second blog (to compliment the staggering 1.6 posts per month average I'm currently banging out). I came up with that brilliant idea, including the title and url, while driving home from the supermarket recently. My dedication to the craft of writing allowed me to sit on the idea for a couple days before actually checking that I could proceed as planned. Much to my disappointment, it was already taken, url and title, exactly as I had planned. Good show, ya dirty bastard. What would I have posted about? I have no idea, but I like the idea that few people would have gotten the joke. For those of you out of the loop, check this out.



And sorry for the Borat quote, I needed a title and that was the first thing that popped into my head that related to what I was posting about.

I'm a little pissed that I missed the Voxtrox show last night. I've got the album on heavy rotation in my office (I'm listening to it right now in fact), and really wanted to check them out live. I guess I should have manned up and quit being sick for a couple hours. You should check them out, despite indie bloggers being disappointed with the album, but you can't impress that bunch unless your name is James Murphy.

And finally, congratulations to all the married gay and lesbian couples whose marriage will stay legal in Massachusetts. Now if only the rest of the country would get their heads out of their asses and quit voting discrimination into law. It is so hard for me to understand how so many people in the world can still be so ignorant, especially the people who use religion to promote intolerance. Now where else have I seen that recently? And yeah, I just went there.