Two quick things

I love cover bands.

Let me be more specific, I love good cover bands.

I don't know many people that will admit to that, especially if they are into the indie music scene, but I obviously don't care. I usually have a blast when a good cover band is playing.

I have three requirements that designate a good cover band: musical ability, song catalog, and song selection. I considered adding "low creepyness factor" to the list, but the other three can totally absolve a band of skeezy 50 year old dudes trying to pick up 20 year old girls if they wail and make me shake my ass for a couple hours.

All three requirements are extremely important, but out of the three I believe song selection is most clutch. And to be a little more clear, I'm not specifically talking about a set list. I don't think a cover band should work exclusively off a set list, they need to be able to read the crowd and play to it. Which leads me in to a most important topic.

Cover bands need to know the proper time to play Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'," as it can make or break their set. After years of research (seeing a bunch of cover bands at bars and clubs over the years) I believe there are two acceptable points for it to be played: near the beginning of the set to get a bored crowd fired up, or as I prefer, as the band is wrapping up their final set for the evening. No matter the size of the venue, every crowd goes batshit crazy when they hear the immediately recognizable intro.

Why do guys have to wait three days to call a girl when they get a number?

I forget the specifics, and because this is a rant I don't feel like looking them up, but why is this a rule? Does it seem like we're super desperate if we call the next day and just regular desperate the day after? I don't know if this is a guy rule or a girl rule but it has become antiquated in the current "always plugged in/mobile everything/IM/Blackberry" era. I think one day is acceptable as a sign of respect and reflection for both parties.

So from the two blogged about topics, you can probably surmise that I had a bang-up Saturday night. And yes, I'm going to call her tonight.

Shower Science

I think I come up with a lot of good ideas while I'm showering in the morning. However, I usually forget them almost immediately, so they're probably not that good. I remembered this one when I got to work so I fleshed out the rest of the details.

Here's the easiest way to tell if a guy under 30 is single. Does he have a beard? If so then he's probably single. And I'm not talking about stylized facial hair like goatees and soul patches, I'm talking about real beards, Grizzly Adams type shit. Using my quick and dirty scientific method: coming up with an idea (see 1st paragraph) and guesstimating a percentage (see continuation of sentence), I would say it is 80% accurate.

Here's my reasoning. It is my experience that women in their 20's like guys clean shaven.

Simple as that.

There are a couple of variables that could degrade my 80% figure, but I tried to factor them into the original guesstimation.

Black guys - pretty much anything they do with their hair turns out cool, facial or otherwise. I'll give them a free pass on the 90's because I still think shaved in dollar signs are rad.

Not rad.

Guys in bands - chicks usually dig guys in bands regardless of appearance. How else would Gene Simmons* have nailed all of those groupies?

*I know Gene Simmons didn't sport a beard in Kiss, he's just ugly.

Hippies - What's the third thing you think of after drugs and smelly? Scraggly looking beards. I'm pretty sure in the unwritten code of the hippie it's a requirement, or they confiscate all of your tie dyed goods.

The Amish - I don't really know anything about them except for all the stereotypical stuff that I've learned though the entertainment industry. So I know that they farm, don't use electricity, have beards, and bowl 15 frames instead of the normal 10.

We don't have a cow. We have a bull.

If any ladies in their 20's want to verify or dispute my theory, please leave a comment.

If any guys in their 20's with beards want to verify or dispute my theory, please leave a comment.

If any ladies with beards in their 20's want to verify or dispute my theory, please leave a comment, but I don't think you are reading this because I heard that the traveling carnival doesn't have a dependable internet connection. It's hard to find a good WiFi signal out in the sticks.

Great Success!

Due to the overwhelming success of this blog, and by overwhelming I mean that one other person that I know of has read this (thanks for the comments), I will try to post more often. I have already come up with many topics that I want to write about, I just haven't been putting my fingers to the keyboard. So far 95% of the stuff I have written about has been on the fly so I'll try to develop some of these ideas and hopefully be entertaining as I know people don't want to read about my day to day life, because that shit is boring and I don't want to write about it, so I will keep it to a minimum.

Now back to the first sentence. In fact this success had convinced me to start a second blog (to compliment the staggering 1.6 posts per month average I'm currently banging out). I came up with that brilliant idea, including the title and url, while driving home from the supermarket recently. My dedication to the craft of writing allowed me to sit on the idea for a couple days before actually checking that I could proceed as planned. Much to my disappointment, it was already taken, url and title, exactly as I had planned. Good show, ya dirty bastard. What would I have posted about? I have no idea, but I like the idea that few people would have gotten the joke. For those of you out of the loop, check this out.



And sorry for the Borat quote, I needed a title and that was the first thing that popped into my head that related to what I was posting about.

I'm a little pissed that I missed the Voxtrox show last night. I've got the album on heavy rotation in my office (I'm listening to it right now in fact), and really wanted to check them out live. I guess I should have manned up and quit being sick for a couple hours. You should check them out, despite indie bloggers being disappointed with the album, but you can't impress that bunch unless your name is James Murphy.

And finally, congratulations to all the married gay and lesbian couples whose marriage will stay legal in Massachusetts. Now if only the rest of the country would get their heads out of their asses and quit voting discrimination into law. It is so hard for me to understand how so many people in the world can still be so ignorant, especially the people who use religion to promote intolerance. Now where else have I seen that recently? And yeah, I just went there.

Five things that I think are awful today

1. New York City - when a whole city is as pretentious as I am, I cannot be a fan.
   
2. American Idol - if you are a fan of music, do I even have to justify this with any reasoning?
   
3. Precipitation - rain, snow, sleet, hail, and equestrian racing.
   
4. Anna Nicole Smith posthumous press coverage - actually include pre-posthumous press coverage as well. Why was she famous again?
   
5. Phlegm that I cough up that doesn't quite make it out the back of my throat - nasty.
   

...and one thing that is awesome

1. Jewfros - I saw a pair on the T last night and it reinforced how much I respect the young Hebrew community for fighting the man. "Take that Uncle Morty!"
   

I know this may come as a surprise to you bigots, but not all comedians are Jewish

Mission Accomplished?

Considering that this is my second post, you don't know anything about me, and for the most part I plan on keeping it that way. However you will see some biases in my writing, as my raging liberalism will shine through at times. Luckily, I don't always have the time to fire off a rant whenever I get heated, because that shit usually isn't very interesting anyway. That said, I don't feel like slamming the President today. Maybe (definitely) another day.

Fooled You!

Last Friday, the cleaning gentleman in my office wanted to ask me something, so naturally he started with "my friend," which is awesome. I don't know the extent of his skill using the English language, but he clearly prefers to use Spanish, as he asked me if I speak it, which I don't. By using simple English words, gesturing, and some pointing, I was able to assist him with his question. Now that the back story is filled in I can arrive to my point. Do they teach the phrase "my friend" when you apply for a work visa? Pretty much every immigrant worker that I've ever interacted with has used "my friend" on me, and I love it. And the best part is that it is universally used by all nationalities and cultures, with the occasional exception of some Greek workers calling me "boss," which is even more awesome. Some people could see that as being condescending, those people need to lighten up and get the stick out of their ass. I could now easily transition this into a pro-immigration post, but I don't feel like that either.

So, how many of you would say you speak English fairly well, but with some difficulty?

So why am I so generous to give a Presidential pardon and not subject you to my political opinions? Because I am in too good of a mood today. I'm going to Vegas tomorrow and don't feel like getting all deep today. And I wanted to show off my crazy Photoshop skills (see 1st image).

"Wait, George Bush wasn't wearing a Dark Helmet helmet during his Mission Accomplished speech/photo op?"

It's true reader that doesn't exist because I have not advertised this blog anywhere, I am just that good at manipulating AP photos and grainy screen captures while I'm eating lunch.