The Mustache Experiment: Update

Day 4-

I think this mustache is starting to take over. I'm seriously considering robbing a train on horseback.

Dr. Thomas Neill Cream and Me

I've always had an interest in mustaches but have never worn one -- until today. And that's discounting the indicator mustache that most facial hair-baring teenagers grow as nature's way of saying it's time to start shaving. I had a pretty furious beard for the past couple months to the point where I was routinely being called out for looking like Ted Kaczynski, so the terrorist beard had to go. Although to be more accurate it was more of a depression beard.

But since I'm feeling good these days, and it's been the opposite temperature of a witch's tit, the beard had to go. It did go out with a bang though. Over the weekend, I won a trip to the Virgin Mobile Freefest coming up in a couple weeks and had to take some promo pictures for marketing or whatever (the PR woman's personal collection); so if you come across a picture of some thin Zach Galifianakis looking motherfucker holding a robot lion/tiger cub, congratulations, you have located a picture of me.

A terribly out of date picture. I mean, it's been at least eighteen hours since I've had a full beard -- and in this Facebook/Twitter world that we live in, anything that is older than fifteen minutes is old news. So I decided to keep a handlebar mustache. Seriously. I look like I belong in a barbershop quartet, or I should be lifting those trapezoidal dumbbells while wearing a one-shoulder singlet. There are so many prospects for my new facial hair, I may keep it forever. And by forever I mean maybe through the weekend after attending a bachelor party. Nothing say classy to a stripper than a sweet, sweet handlebar mustache.

The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's A Wrap

Last Tuesday Robert Goulet passed away at the age of 73. What the fuck Devil's Night!?! Why are you so insistent on messing with my enjoyment of Halloween this decade? Hands down, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Better than Chinese New Year, better than Evacuation Day, even better than Leif Ericson Day. So then why the past couple of years have two of my favorite entertainers died the day before? In 2002 Jam Master Jay was shot and killed and now Robert Goulet died while awaiting a lung transplant. I didn't realize this until I was reading the article about his death, but I got to see him perform live ...sort of.

I went to opening day at Fenway this year. Naturally before the game, my friends and I did a little pre-gaming (getting shitfaced at 10 in the morning). Somehow we were able to actually get to Fenway and managed to get to our seats during the opening ceremonies. I heard the PA announcer mention Robert Goulet and then heard him singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame or God Bless America, or something of that nature. I didn't see him on the field so I just assumed that they were playing a recording of him singing; this made sense at the time because I was so hammered. Now when I read the article about his death I saw this photo of Goulet crooning something out at opening day this past season:

So I got to experience Goulet live, but who really cares? I do, and you should too. Goulet was a badass, and not just because of Will Ferrell's over the top impersonation of him on SNL that everyone and their 96-year old grandmother has seen. For one, he had a sweet moustache, which conveniently leads into part two of my list of greatest moustaches of all time. [part 1 here]

Robert Goulet

Goulet didn't sport a moustache early in his career, but I wasn't alive then, so I consider that fact irrelevant. And all of my Goulet memories come from his mustachioed period, so he fits on this list like Isotoners fit on OJ. Speaking of OJ, he co-stared with one Mr. Robert Goulet in The Naked Gun 2½. That movie was pretty funny.

Jake Plummer

Recent Career: Quarterback for the Denver Broncos. Probably even more recent career: drive-thru playmaker at White Castle. But from the looks of that 'stache, he looks to be working on some adult film set somewhere in Southern California (the part that wasn't torched by that little kid; but he was a good kid!). And speaking of porno moustaches...

Ron Jeremy

Everyone in the world knows who Ron Jeremy is. Not everyone knows why he's famous though. If you are one of those people then today isn't your lucky day. I don't really feel like talking about Mr. Jeremy's "talent", so you can investigate on your own time. In the meantime, check out that moustache, pretty classy huh?

Chewbacca

I wanted to include Mutley in my last list but I didn't because I couldn't tell if he had a moustache. Well I didn't have the same problem with Chewbacca. Check out his upper lip. Despite him being completely covered in hair, there is a distinct color difference in the hair where a moustache should be. That's good enough for me. And don't ask me where this picture came from, I don't really know. I just assume that it's a from a deleted scene in Empire Strikes Back. I mean they had that incest angle going on, why not bestiality too? Han Solo must have been pissed.

All-4-One

For those that can't remember, All-4-One is an R&B group who won a Grammy in the mid-90's for some awful song that I can't remember. And yet I remember them having some interesting moustaches in the video of said song I can't remember. I couldn't find a picture of those guys with moustaches, but I found the above picture which was named all-4-one.jpg which appears to be a bunch of assholes holding hands during a polygamous civil union ceremony in a bank or Realtors office. I see that they don't have moustaches, but the picture was too good not to share.

These two kids

I can't tell if those are fake moustaches or if those kids are Hispanic, but they are rocking some pretty serious facial hair. They could also be midgets, but I can't see any of their extremities. Your guess is as good as mine.

My name is Guy Incognito

Friday night I attended the Samuel Adams OctoberFest [sic] at the awesome Smith and Wollensky Boston. Probably due to the classy-ass location, all and all it was mostly a ho hum affair. I've been to a few Oktoberfest celebrations in my day and sadly this one was the least fun. I had more fun crashing my car while driving home from Newport's Oktoberfest two years back (weather fueled, not alcohol). Despite the utter lack of excitement, there was one shining beacon of entertainment: fistfights breaking out between Sox and Yankee fans.

...actually, that didn't happen at this event, just every other place in Boston serving alcohol this weekend. However we were treated to watching Jim Koch, the founder/owner/whatever of Sam Adams wander around hammered. He was supposed to give a toast at 6, but didn't find his way to the stage until about 7. And when he was done he was swarmed by beer nerds, the guys with the Hawaiian shirts that have bottles of beer instead of flowers or shit like that on them. I just wanted to mention that because I hate them.

So at some point while watching Jim lean on something/somebody to keep his balance, my friend Ryan asks the brilliant question, "Do you think when Jim Koch goes to bars he tries to order beers that aren't Sam Adams?" We discuss this for several minutes and come to the conclusion that he will order other beers when he's out, but only if he has a sweet Peyton Manning moustache on so nobody will recognize him.

Which naturally leads me to want to talk about the greatest moustaches of all time (in no particular order).

Dick Dastardly

Classic. Elegant. Foreshadowing. You could always tell he was formulating some sort of diabolical scheme to Belichick cheat his way to victory in the Wacky Races by working that sweet musketeer 'stache. Too bad those schemes always backfired. I also wanted to include Muttley, but he doesn't have visible whiskers, I would have let that slide. Did you know Muttley's birthday is April 16? Me neither.

The b-boy of unknown ethnic origin in Breakin'

The kid with the Demolition Man beret, not the kid with the Pink Floyd hat and big red circle with a line through it over his face. Upon multiple viewings (yeah, I own the DVD, you wanna fight about it?), I still cannot tell what the hell this kid is. Mexican? Native American? Filipino? Eskimo? Like figuring out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know. But I do know that he has a badass moustache.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude/Billy Mays

I heard a rumor a couple years back that The Ravishing One had died from AIDS or some other shit like that. Then all of a sudden this Billy Mays fellow arrives on the infomercial scene hocking all kinds of cleaning products. Coincidence? I think not. I think this "Billy Mays" guy selling cleaning products is some kind metaphor for cleaning his conscience from the years of dolling out Rude Awakenings. Either way, he/they had/has a killer 'stache.

Ambrose E. Burnside

The "George Washington Carver" of sideburns himself. He gets the nod not for inventing 'burns, but for being the first to link them to the all important moustache. His Civil War battle record may be spotty, but his facial hair record is flawless.

"Luigi"

When you think of a mustachioed plumber who eats mushrooms and saves princesses from giant turtles, you either think of Mario or some homeless guy who tells you of his amazing adventures all while trying to get some spare change to buy another a handle of liquid intolerance. I think of "Luigi". And not necessarily the Luigi that's pictured above. Every Luigi I can think of has a moustache, so the name's synonymous. I just picked this one because he's also making the universal sign of a fake moustache. That's two for the price of none!

This Guy

If I was walking down a dark alley and this guy was walking toward me from the other end, I'd probably drop into the fetal position like a bear was coming at me. At least that's what I think you're supposed to do when a bear is coming at you. Wait, aren't you supposed to make yourself all big and menacing to show the bear who's the real boss, Danza style? Maybe you're supposed to go fetal when a tiger attacks. I haven't been attacked by either and I don't work for Zoobooks, so I don't really know. Anyways, if you want to know the badassitude (badass magnitude) that this guy's moustache is, here's a little fact to wet your whistle.

Fact: Chuck Norris is only afraid of two things: tadpoles and that guy's moustache.

That's it for now but there will definitely be a continuation of this post, I've already got about a dozen more 'staches lined up. Also, I would still like to hear of any moustaches that you feel should be included in the comments.