Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Battle for second place

Today is Leif Ericson Day. Did you know that? Probably not, because like most other ignorant Americans you don't care. You probably still believe that Christoper Columbus discovered America in 1492. Hell, Chris Berman said last night on Monday Night Football that Columbus discovered America in a Lexus. Corporate shilling aside, and for the purposes of this post, I'll take his "discovered America" statement as the stance of the common American.

And in case you couldn't tell where I was going, Leif Ericson is the earliest recorded European to visit North America. In fact he beat Columbus by almost 500 years. So why doesn't he get a cushy Monday holiday like Chrissyboy? Racism.

Just kidding. They're both European, and we all know that all Europeans love each other. Just look what that Hitler fellow tried to do. That's right, unite all of Europe into a single strong nation. Shit, and he was on to something, just look at the way the Euro is blitzkrieging our dollar.

Neither is making Hitler jokes. I'm so ashamed.

Offensive Hitler jokes aside, to determine once and for all what is the second most important holiday in Rocktober, I've decided to hold a White Boys Can Dance stupid idea dance-off between Italian stereotypes (Columbus) and Viking stereotypes (Ericson).

Oh Snap! (strengths)
  • Clothes - furry vests and boots
  • Head - horned helmets
  • Transportation - longboats
  • Intangibles - pillaging

Weak Shit (weaknesses)
  • Media - Capital One commercials
  • Intangibles - raping

Oh Snap!
  • Media - The Godfather part II
  • Intangibles - the women (well the non-stereotypical ones)

Weak Shit
  • Clothes - Armani, tracksuits, gold chains
  • Head - greasy slicked back hair
  • Transportation - IROC's
  • Intangibles - the Jersey shore

That wasn't even a close one. I don't know if Vikings even know how to dance, but if you've ever been to a nightclub you know that Guidos don't. Leif Ericson Day is now officially the second most important holiday in Rocktober. Go forth and celebrate!

And I didn't write this post because I'm still a little pissed that I had to work yesterday, it was to denounce injustice and promote fairness.

Well... maybe a little from column A.

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