My name is Guy Incognito

Friday night I attended the Samuel Adams OctoberFest [sic] at the awesome Smith and Wollensky Boston. Probably due to the classy-ass location, all and all it was mostly a ho hum affair. I've been to a few Oktoberfest celebrations in my day and sadly this one was the least fun. I had more fun crashing my car while driving home from Newport's Oktoberfest two years back (weather fueled, not alcohol). Despite the utter lack of excitement, there was one shining beacon of entertainment: fistfights breaking out between Sox and Yankee fans.

...actually, that didn't happen at this event, just every other place in Boston serving alcohol this weekend. However we were treated to watching Jim Koch, the founder/owner/whatever of Sam Adams wander around hammered. He was supposed to give a toast at 6, but didn't find his way to the stage until about 7. And when he was done he was swarmed by beer nerds, the guys with the Hawaiian shirts that have bottles of beer instead of flowers or shit like that on them. I just wanted to mention that because I hate them.

So at some point while watching Jim lean on something/somebody to keep his balance, my friend Ryan asks the brilliant question, "Do you think when Jim Koch goes to bars he tries to order beers that aren't Sam Adams?" We discuss this for several minutes and come to the conclusion that he will order other beers when he's out, but only if he has a sweet Peyton Manning moustache on so nobody will recognize him.

Which naturally leads me to want to talk about the greatest moustaches of all time (in no particular order).

Dick Dastardly

Classic. Elegant. Foreshadowing. You could always tell he was formulating some sort of diabolical scheme to Belichick cheat his way to victory in the Wacky Races by working that sweet musketeer 'stache. Too bad those schemes always backfired. I also wanted to include Muttley, but he doesn't have visible whiskers, I would have let that slide. Did you know Muttley's birthday is April 16? Me neither.

The b-boy of unknown ethnic origin in Breakin'

The kid with the Demolition Man beret, not the kid with the Pink Floyd hat and big red circle with a line through it over his face. Upon multiple viewings (yeah, I own the DVD, you wanna fight about it?), I still cannot tell what the hell this kid is. Mexican? Native American? Filipino? Eskimo? Like figuring out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know. But I do know that he has a badass moustache.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude/Billy Mays

I heard a rumor a couple years back that The Ravishing One had died from AIDS or some other shit like that. Then all of a sudden this Billy Mays fellow arrives on the infomercial scene hocking all kinds of cleaning products. Coincidence? I think not. I think this "Billy Mays" guy selling cleaning products is some kind metaphor for cleaning his conscience from the years of dolling out Rude Awakenings. Either way, he/they had/has a killer 'stache.

Ambrose E. Burnside

The "George Washington Carver" of sideburns himself. He gets the nod not for inventing 'burns, but for being the first to link them to the all important moustache. His Civil War battle record may be spotty, but his facial hair record is flawless.

"Luigi"

When you think of a mustachioed plumber who eats mushrooms and saves princesses from giant turtles, you either think of Mario or some homeless guy who tells you of his amazing adventures all while trying to get some spare change to buy another a handle of liquid intolerance. I think of "Luigi". And not necessarily the Luigi that's pictured above. Every Luigi I can think of has a moustache, so the name's synonymous. I just picked this one because he's also making the universal sign of a fake moustache. That's two for the price of none!

This Guy

If I was walking down a dark alley and this guy was walking toward me from the other end, I'd probably drop into the fetal position like a bear was coming at me. At least that's what I think you're supposed to do when a bear is coming at you. Wait, aren't you supposed to make yourself all big and menacing to show the bear who's the real boss, Danza style? Maybe you're supposed to go fetal when a tiger attacks. I haven't been attacked by either and I don't work for Zoobooks, so I don't really know. Anyways, if you want to know the badassitude (badass magnitude) that this guy's moustache is, here's a little fact to wet your whistle.

Fact: Chuck Norris is only afraid of two things: tadpoles and that guy's moustache.

That's it for now but there will definitely be a continuation of this post, I've already got about a dozen more 'staches lined up. Also, I would still like to hear of any moustaches that you feel should be included in the comments.