And here come the pretzels!

Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics. Whooptee-shit. I don't care anymore. Please stop covering him everyone. I don't care what his daily schedule is. I don't care what he eats. I don't care what's on his iPod. I don't care how many people want to be his friend on Facebook. I don't care that if he had a homoerotic experience in middle school. I don't care.

I'm not taking anything away from his athletic ability, it's obvious that he kid can swim. And I wouldn't be surprised to learn that his mom had a run in with Led Zeppelin at the Edgewater Inn. Or I won't take anything from the accomplishment that he had 81.25% say in. He only had six solo finals, the other two finals he was part of a four man team. Do the math.

I'm just sick of hearing about him constantly. Like a good American, I've been tuning into NBC's "live" coverage of the games and supporting my country by purchasing goods being marketed by official Olympic sponsors. I've also been driving around in a 2009 Ford Mustang that gets really shitty gas mileage (more about that soon) and doing poorly (3 out of 18) at recognizing facial characteristics between citizens of Asian countries. But I won't stand behind him anymore. Throughout all the swimming competitions, it's been all about Michael Phelps. Even when other competitors were winning medals. During their post-victory interviews at least half of the conversation was about him.

Reporter: So how does it feel to win a medal at the Olympics?

Swimmer: This is the greatest moment of my life. I've worked hard every day for the past eight years to get here.

Reporter: So how about that Michael Phelps? He's amazing, isn't he? I hear he's part mud shark.

Swimmer: Ummm... yeah, he's great. I can't believe all the adversity that I had to overcome to get to this leve--

Reporter: Oh yeah. Congratulations on overcoming adversity. So does Michael Phelps inspire you like he has America?

Swimmer: Actually, my 108 year-old grandmother who was the first white woman in South Carolina to date a black man, has been my true inspiration. It was her trailblazing that has helped to begin to mend the wound of slavery and end the evils of racism.

Reporter: Shut up! That has nothing to do with Michael Phelps. Would you say Michael Phelps is your one true savior?

I know I may have exaggerated one or two things there, but it's like these athletes were being interviewed by Bill O'Reilly and had a dissenting opinion. Weaksauce NBC. Weaksauce.

Living Dead Attack Super Bowl

BOSTON (WBCD) -- Since the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" in 2004, halftime at the Super Bowl has been mostly a ho-hum affair. Considered edgy in their respective primes, The Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney followed the two subsequent years with safe, family-friendly performances. Even the oft-controversial Prince was mostly kept in check during his performance in Miami last year. However all of this changed this past Sunday during the halftime performance that was supposed to feature Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

Instead home viewers with high definition television sets were shocked to see reanimated corpses on stage performing cuts from Tom Petty's solo album Full Moon Fever along with an additional song. When reached for comment, the halftime show producer Don Mischer responded "That was Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers out there, I swear." Despite reassurances most of the nation agrees that it was the living dead on stage, and not members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. "I hate using the zed word, but I swear there were zombies on stage." responded South Boston resident Tommy McCarthy when questioned about the performance. He added "However, that did sound an awful lot like Tom Petty. Maybe the zombies were lip syncing like Paul Abdul?"

Scientists in the Glendale area have yet to explain this phenomenon, but urge the public not to panic. "This appears to be an isolated incident as no further cases have been reported." stated Dr. Stephen Leung, a professor of biology at Arizona State University. He added "We are doing everything we can to find the cause of this condition, and if necessary a cure." This response has done little to quell the furor on the internet.

In fact thousands of theories have already emerged on the internet just days after the performance. One of the most common stems from news of Asteroid 2007 TU24 closely passing the Earth last week. Astronomical message boards have been ablaze with posts debating the materials Asteroid 2007 TU24 was comprised of and the effects it would have on biological life on Earth. On one such message board, Space-Talk, the poster Spock<369 suggested this theory, "I viewed the event [asteroid passing the Earth] at home using my Celestron NexStar 8 SE and detected a faint purple-ish [sp] glow emanating from the object. As this object did not enter or even graze our atmosphere, the glow could have only come from the object emitting some sort of cosmic radiation. This radiation surely is the cause of the sudden reanimation of the deceased."

Experts did find it strange that the undead performers seemed more interested in playing with the instruments on stage than feasting on the flesh of the crowd surrounding the stage. "Perhaps these particular specimens prefer their food aged like a fine wine or cognac?" pondered noted zombie expert Kenneth Foree, referring to the mostly young crowd that surrounded the stage.

A press release from Tom Petty's record label Warner Bros. Records reads: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were the scheduled performers, and did in fact perform at the Bridgestone Super Bowl XLII Halftime show. The unfounded rumors of zombies playing instead of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are simply untrue. Mr. Petty would like it noted that he is alive and in good health and thanks everyone for their support during this ordeal. He would also like to offer his respect to all deceased people, reanimated or not.

Boy, those Germans have a word for everything

Unlike the rest of New England I'm not suicidal, depressed, or even shocked that the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. The simple truth is that the Giants played less shittily and deserved to win. There were some questionable calls early, but the Pats still had three opportunities during the Giants final drive to put the game away. They didn't, so better luck next year. Now everyone needs to shut the fuck up.

I'm not saying this because my team lost. As you can see above I'm mildly affected, if at all. In fact I had a pretty sweet weekend (including last night's festivities). I'm just sick of hearing all the back and forth over the Patriots. There are three camps that contribute to my rage.

1. Pats fans
At this point I literally hate 96% of you. I've said this before, but just because the team you are rooting for is doing well doesn't give you any additional pull or rank in the world of fandom. Quit being such douchenozzles brah.

2. Pats haters
You are equally if not more annoying than Pats fans. 95% of the shit you talk is about how annoying and insufferable Pats fans are, which somehow isn't annoying or insufferable. Thanks for bringing something new to the conversation. Wait, we're racist too? Zing! Please get some new material for next season. Thanks.

3. Media
Week 1-3: Spy(irrelevant suffix)! The Pats are cheaters!
Week 4-playoffs: 18-0 The Pats are the greatest team ever!
Super Bowl: Giants Win??! Biggest upset of all time!
Let's give Mercury Morris some more face time!

You fuckers.

(Bonus)
4. Red Sox fans
You really don't need to start a Yankees Suck chant at little Jimmy's birthday party because one of the 7 year-old kids wore a Yankees hat. It's tired and just sad at this point.

That's all the rage I could fit into a poorly thought out/poorly written post today.

Congratulations again Giants, you earned it.

And if there's a primary in your state tomorrow go vote. I'll definitely have something to say about that shit because it's getting serious.

Hide the wife and kids

Despite my recent post on not being a Masshole when it comes to being a sports fan, guess what? I've flip-flopped like my boy John Kerry. However I'm not going to gloat about the Patriots and Celtics (btw, both still undefeated as of this posting), and I have no idea or any interest how the Bruins are doing. Like 93% of all Americans you're probably asking "Then who could Jon be talking about? He's already named the only sports that matter." That's true reader. So then what am I talking about?

Filipino slap-fighting? The national spelling bee? Baby seal clubbing? General douchebaggery?

No on three counts.

I'm talking about the New England Revolution being in the MLS Cup this coming Sunday.

New England who? MLS what?

That's right motherfuckers, we're also dominating in professional soccer (or football/futbol for my international readers). This is the third consecutive year that the Revs (that's our nickname for them, pretty ingenious huh?) have been in the MLS Cup. They lost the last two but have a 50/50 shot of winning this year. Pretty sweet odds if I do say so. Now if they lose on Sunday some people could compare them to the Buffalo Bills of the late 80's/early 90's by making the title game several years in a row, only to lose every time. And to clarify, "some people" constitutes 16 people who actually follow professional soccer and know anything about football. And my information is legit, I hired the Gallup Organization to do the research for me.

But if the Revs win I can all but guarantee rioting in the streets of Boston, even more destructive than the Red Sox Wold Series win in '04. Drunken soccer hooligans fans and drunken college kids pouring into the streets turning over cars, climbing traffic lights, setting celebratory fires, and dolling out heavy sack beatings all while singing beloved fight songs. It's like St. Patrick's Day part II. After running all the calculations and figures though one of the supercomputers we have here at my place of employment, there will be an estimated $41 million in damage and at least 34 civilian casualties. I better stop at Home Depot on my way home so I can board up my apartment to hopefully prevent looting and general vandalism.

Wait a second, there's a Patriots game on Sunday night? I guess I forgot to figure that into my calculations. That will take a couple mil off the estimate. Shit.

Oh yeah, I also just realized that I'm part of the 93% of Americans that don't give a shit about soccer. Never mind.


Go Revs! ...kind of

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times...

I am a Boston/New England sports fan. I have been all 25 years of my life. Despite it currently being a "golden age'" of sports in Boston, it also really sucks for me being a fan. Here's why:

That seems to be the general consensus of all other sports fans across the country, and I can't really blame them. I don't want to hear about the Patriots every other play on Monday Night Football when they're not playing, or have every third story on SportsCenter be about the Red Sox. It's overkill. And the hype for this weeks game between the Pats and Colts is sickening. This will not be the greatest regular season game ever unless the game is tied in the fourth quarter at 42 going into the two-minute warning when aliens land at the 50-yard line and bestow upon us the technology necessary to create the hoverboard. That would be something. The constant media barrage is only part of the problem. The other is Red Sox Nation.

I am a Red Sox fan. I am not part of Red Sox Nation. It was cute when it was used occasionally by the media, but when the ownership took it and marketed this shit out of it after the World Series win in '04, that was the end. Does your team's fan base have an official president? Mine does, and that is one of the saddest things I can think of. Even sadder than a puppy with cancer.

What's leukemia?

Next on my shitlist should be Patriots fans. Guess what? I'm not going to talk shit about their general boastful dickweedery because any other fan base would act the same exact way if they were in the same position (winning). Go to any football game at an opposing stadium and see how you are treated. Most of the fans of the the opposing team will give you some good-natured ribbing, but they are cool and will talk football, eat various grilled meats, and drink beer all day. This is the same on the internet. The fans who cause the bad rap are the 10% or so who love to act like their teams accomplishments somehow increase their status in football fandom. Every team has them, deal with it until it's your turn. On the other hand, I can't stand the whiny Patriots (Boston) fans who still act like everyone is against them and can't shut the fuck up and just enjoy the season. Do you know why everyone is seemingly against you? Because that is the point of competition. Sports wouldn't be entertaining if every game ended up in a tie, like tee ball, would it? Now shut the fuck up!

I've complained about Celtics fans in the past so I don't need to touch them again, no one cares about BC unless you are enrolled or an alumnus, and it wouldn't be fair to pick on the 8 or so remaining Bruins fans. So basically it comes down to everyone hates us because our teams are winning and we are being pricks about it. I'm not looking for pity, I just wanted to comment on the state of fandom in the city of Boston. So for the record: as a Boston sports fan, I Jon promise not to whine or be a prick about my sports teams, I'll just be a prick about everything else.

A day which will live in infamy

or: I just booked my first-class ticket to hell

So I received this e-mail last week from my friend Ryan:

Dude, do you want to join a kickball league? I'm dead serious.

Because my company doesn't have a softball team, and I can't always find a pickup game of basketball, I currently lack any form of regular athletic competition. At a cookout a month back after playing a gays vs straights game of two-hand touch, I was asked if I would consider playing in a gay men's football league. I was considering it because I love playing football and would have a couple friends in the league, not because I love to bang guys (sorry fellas). But then I found this sexy kickball proposal in my inbox. After weighing my options of a co-ed kickball beer league, or a gay football league, I decided to go the kickball route. I am a very competitive person, especially when it comes to athletics, but I can tone it down depending on what sport I may be playing. When it's something like football, I'm 100% into it because it actually requires skill to do well, for kickball I think I can tone it down to 40% because the last time I played that shit I was in 6th grade and I think I went 7-for-7 with 6 homeruns. Another reason that I picked co-ed kickball over gay football is because I'd probably accidentally call someone a homo at some point during the season. Why did I bring up my competitive nature? Because the following is a sorta-recap of the worst day of competitive sports that I have ever played. I would say this one day was worse than my entire Freshman year of baseball when we didn't win a single game all season, not even scrimmages.

A couple years back my friend Marisa asked me if I wanted to play softball. Her friend was putting a team together for a charity game for Easter Seals and needed a couple more players. Being the charitable person that I am, I of course agreed. Ryan also agreed to play on the team. Because we're assholes, whenever we talked to Marisa about the game we asked that she was sure we weren't playing a team of retards. I don't remember exactly what she said but it was probably along the lines of "you have no soul for joking about that," and that we were scheduled to play against a team from Home Depot. I contended that because I was raising money for Easter Seals, it would offset any retard jokes I would make. And speaking of retards and Home Depot, I don't really trust any advice that any of their sales associates give me. If they're such experts then why the fuck are they working at Home Depot and not using their trade skills to acquire a job that undoubtedly pays more? Perhaps they just like wearing orange aprons and measuring stuff?

Because we were scheduled to play a legit team, I had to get my shit together. So for a couple weeks before the game Ryan and I trained, which consisted of getting our throwing arms back in shape. We'd play catch in the parking lot of our work during our lunch break for about 10 minutes each day. Actually, we could only play for about 10 minutes because everyday at some point Ryan would throw a frozen rope over my head which would be lost for the ages (or just end up in the parking lot of the DoubleTree that was next to our work).

So the day of the game finally arrives and the weather was fucking crazy, I wake up to thunder and lightning and downpours. I call Marisa to see if the game is still on and she said that it was. The field was about an hour away so like The Regulators, we mount up and head to our softball destiny. As we are heading south, the clouds gradually disappear and it's actually a beautiful day at the field. We meet the rest of our team and start to warm up. We see some of the Easter Seals kids hanging around the park and make a couple jokes about playing them; again we're assholes, but charitable assholes. It's getting closer to game time and we don't see anyone from the Home Depot team so I'm starting to get worried. We give the Home Depot team about an extra half hour to show up and they never do. So we win by forfeit, right?

"Here's my check, I'm heading home."

Well it turns out you can't win a charity game by forfeit, so they found us another team to play. Do I even need to tell you who was on that team?

I'll give you a minute to collect yourself.

...

..

.

Like Earl Hickey, karma just kicked our asses. The organizers of the event gathered every retarded kid that they could find and put them on the team, and maybe one or two of the extra-retarded adults. Through drinking and repression, I've erased most of that game from my memory. From what I remember, here are the highlowlights.

Everyone had to bring their own equipment. The retards brought plenty of helmets, but didn't share because they also had to wear them while in the field, so we had to "borrow" some from another game that was going on. (I now "own" a batting helmet)

When our team was up to bat: if you didn't swing it was a strike, whether the pitch be a foot over your head or landed in front of home plate. Luckily it was one of the Easter Seals volunteers pitching to us so there were a couple good pitches per at bat.

When their team was up to bat, the ump had three calls: ball, strike, they didn't mean to swing. I swear at one at bat the ump called "he didn't mean to swing" on 7 consecutive pitches.

Two fouls was an out, Ryan managed to foul out (oh yeah, this was slow pitch).

Their team got to bat around every inning, even if they got twelve outs. Actually their batting lineup fluctuated each inning, I think they kept finding more retards at the park.

Here's an actual conversation I overheard while in right field:

E. Seals volunteer: "Hey Billy, would you like to get a few cuts in?"

Billy (a retarded boy): "Daaaaaaah"

*I never actually heard that conversation happen, but then where else were these extra players coming from? I doubt that their parents were pushing them to play to make up for their own failed childhood dreams of athletic glory.

At one point the kid playing shortstop was telling me to hit the ball to his glove, so I did. He was not nominated for a SportsCenter top 10 play.

Our captain tried to raise our spirits after intentionally losing to a team of retards by saying "at least we had fun", to which I immediately deadpanned "I had no fun whatsoever." I stand by that remark to this day.

After the game we took a team photo. While lining up for the photo-op the third baseman of the retard team came over and started to taunt me, "Whee bee yoo bah!" (translation: We beat you bad) Note the intentional misspellings, because I tried to get across his flawless enunciation.

I was going to wrap this up with a note about my derogatory use of the word retard (I actually cut a bunch out), but I decided not to because if you were at all offended then you need to get a fucking life. You're what's wrong with America.

Hugs and Kisses.

-Jon