Monday, August 18, 2008

And here come the pretzels!

Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics. Whooptee-shit. I don't care anymore. Please stop covering him everyone. I don't care what his daily schedule is. I don't care what he eats. I don't care what's on his iPod. I don't care how many people want to be his friend on Facebook. I don't care that if he had a homoerotic experience in middle school. I don't care.

I'm not taking anything away from his athletic ability, it's obvious that he kid can swim. And I wouldn't be surprised to learn that his mom had a run in with Led Zeppelin at the Edgewater Inn. Or I won't take anything from the accomplishment that he had 81.25% say in. He only had six solo finals, the other two finals he was part of a four man team. Do the math.

I'm just sick of hearing about him constantly. Like a good American, I've been tuning into NBC's "live" coverage of the games and supporting my country by purchasing goods being marketed by official Olympic sponsors. I've also been driving around in a 2009 Ford Mustang that gets really shitty gas mileage (more about that soon) and doing poorly (3 out of 18) at recognizing facial characteristics between citizens of Asian countries. But I won't stand behind him anymore. Throughout all the swimming competitions, it's been all about Michael Phelps. Even when other competitors were winning medals. During their post-victory interviews at least half of the conversation was about him.

Reporter: So how does it feel to win a medal at the Olympics?

Swimmer: This is the greatest moment of my life. I've worked hard every day for the past eight years to get here.

Reporter: So how about that Michael Phelps? He's amazing, isn't he? I hear he's part mud shark.

Swimmer: Ummm... yeah, he's great. I can't believe all the adversity that I had to overcome to get to this leve--

Reporter: Oh yeah. Congratulations on overcoming adversity. So does Michael Phelps inspire you like he has America?

Swimmer: Actually, my 108 year-old grandmother who was the first white woman in South Carolina to date a black man, has been my true inspiration. It was her trailblazing that has helped to begin to mend the wound of slavery and end the evils of racism.

Reporter: Shut up! That has nothing to do with Michael Phelps. Would you say Michael Phelps is your one true savior?

I know I may have exaggerated one or two things there, but it's like these athletes were being interviewed by Bill O'Reilly and had a dissenting opinion. Weaksauce NBC. Weaksauce.

Friday, August 1, 2008

The most shocking news in the history of the world!

From the AP:

DALLAS - A tour bus carrying hip-hop artist Snoop Dogg was pulled over and two people were arrested on marijuana possession charges Thursday a few hours before a concert in Dallas, a spokesman for the Texas Department of Public Safety said.

DPS spokesman Charlie Morgan said members of a commercial vehicle inspection team pulled the bus over on Interstate 45 in Corsicana because the vehicle had an expired registration sticker. Troopers searched the bus for drugs after they said they smelled marijuana and found two ounces of the drug, he said.

Ethan Calhoun, 27, and Kevin Barkey, 26, were arrested on drug charges after admitting the drugs belonged to them, Morgan told The Associated Press. Both men were taken to the Navarro County Jail and face fines of up to $2,000 and six months in jail if convicted, Morgan said. Bond was set at $1,500 each.

The Corsicana Daily Sun reported the men appeared before a justice of the peace and were released after posting bond.

Snoop Dogg, whose birth name is Cordozar Calvin Broadus Jr., was not arrested. His agent had no comment, a secretary said. Calls to public relations representatives for the rapper were not immediately returned Thursday evening.

He was arrested last year at Bob Hope Airport in Burbank, Calif., on suspicion of transporting marijuana.

Police later charged him with gun possession after finding a firearm in his home. He pleaded no contest in April 2007 to felony gun and marijuana charges and agreed to five years' probation and 800 hours of community service.

He was scheduled to appear at a concert near the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. He is on tour with alternative rock group 311.

Corsicana is 52 miles south-southeast of Dallas.

Really? Some nogoodniks on Snoop Dogg's tour bus were in possession of marijuana? That's hard to believe. It's not like the guy every glorified the use of marijuana in any of his endeavors before.

This Just In: the sky is blue.

But seriously, I don't get how this doesn't happen more often. How don't dudes like Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson get arrested daily? Probably for the same reason people like Nicole Richie go to jail for 82 minutes. Because their dads had something to do with the making of Dancing on the Ceiling.