Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Face the Music

So I may have started one or two electrical fires at work today... but it's cool because I'm still alive. And isn't that the most important thing? Just don't ask me if anyone else survived, because once I saw flames I ran to my car and got the fuck out of Dodge. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I pull in the parking lot and there's either an intact building or just smoldering remains. I could probably find out on the news tonight, but I have a life and don't have time for queer shit like "fire safety" and "news".

Now the real reason that you probably came here this week: rumors and speculation about a New Kids on the Block reunion. This weekend the story broke that NKOTB (an acronym that I came up with; I bet it catches on) would be reuniting. Then on Monday Idolator reported via Danny Wood's MySpace page that they would not be reuniting. Now today that post is missing from DWood's MySpace page and I don't know what to think (yeah, I check his MySpace occasionally, you know for news and stuff). Maybe I'll just head over to the Cask and ask Donnie:



And even if they reunited and went on tour, I couldn't go. I wouldn't have anything to wear. I never did get my New Kids t-shirt.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Happy MLK Jr. Day

I'm at work today because my company is obviously run by racists; I should fight them. Maybe tomorrow, the day is almost over. And speaking of fighting racists, Barack Obama is fighting attempts to smear his candidacy through a series of e-mails that propagate falsities about his person. Check it out here. My favorite part of the page is this quote from Mr. Obama:

"In the internet age, there are going to be lies that are spread all over the place. I have been victimized by these lies. Fortunately, the American people are, I think, smarter than folks give them credit for."

I think your a cool shit Barack, and sorry to rain on your parade, but you obviously forgot who was reelected four years ago by the same American people you speak so optimistically of.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

How many times have I fought beside you Gyro?

The New Hampshire presidential primary is going on today so that must be the hot topic of the day, correct? Wrong bitches! Since I fall in the male 18-35 demographic, it's the return of American Gladiators. I was "sick" yesterday so I didn't get a chance to write up my thoughts on the American Gladiators redux which premiered Sunday night. Because of that, I also haven't checked out any reviews or blogs, as not to sway my opinion or allow me to subconsciously steal any ideas. That being said, a bunch of my friends have been e-mailing pretty much non-stop about it the last two days, so if necessary I'm going to steal from them instead.

Hosts: Hulk Hogan & Laila Ali
This is probably already on the tubes somewhere, but while watching Sunday night I suggested taking a shot every time Hogan says "brother". After hearing the Hulkster drop "brother" about five times in 10 seconds, my neighbor thought it was a bad idea. After watching last night, I would also add him saying "sister" to the female competitors as a shot opportunity. I'm definitely going to do this. Other than that he was pretty good, he seemed very enthusiastic with his personal life in shambles. Laila Ali was alright. I do like that she could probably knock any of the competitors the fuck out if they mouthed off to her (men included).

Play-by-play/Color: Former Gladiator?
I don't know who this guy is, but I don't like him. He sounds like some X-games reject. I'm just waiting for him to say that something is tubular. Maybe they found a job for Malibu after all? (I know everyone has seen this, but I had to embed it)



Gladiators
First things first, some of the female gladiators are surprisingly attractive. I don't know why, but I sort of expected she-males like in the original series. Nice work NBC. Now let me break a couple gladiators down for you.

Titan

This guy is Hitler's wet dream. And to f├╝hrer further promote suspicion I'm pretty sure on the original series there was a giant black dude that went by Titan. I guess Adolf here wanted to take the name back for the master race. Not cool.

Hellga

This woman is built like a Cadillac, large yet sporty. Sadly I don't think we'll see much of Hellga, she looks like she can only compete in half of the events. I just can't see her competing in Hang Tough or scaling the Wall.

Justice

Hands down my favorite. The motherfucker is rocking some Kid 'n Play shit on his head, but I won't deduct points for that. Maybe we should call it a frauxhawk?

Crush

!!Innuendo Alert!! I'd let her crush me any day. Wasn't that stupid? That's because I stole that one. But seriously, if Crush does read this, my e-mail address is on the right.

Wolf

I hated him two seconds after he started howling. Seriously, what type of man thinks it's cool to howl? The correct answer is no type of man. There is only one acceptable exception: teenage werewolves who are star basketball players.

Contestants
Big Country
I sort of liked this guy the way I like Cletus on the Simpsons. But I'm happy he lost because I was sick of hearing about Tennessee and all the redneck doings that constitutes his life.

Skateboarder Guy
I was also happy that he lost so badly. It just reinforces the theory that skateboarders are not real athletes, like cheerleaders.

The woman who was injured 24 seconds into the season
Wow, sucks to be her.

Moli

Doing the bull dance, feeling the flow. Working it. Working it.

Events
Assault
I'm still up in the air on this one. I like the idea that the gladiators get propelled into the water if the contender hits the target, but it seems extra challenging since the contender has to manually load the weapons. That just takes a ton of time. And I noticed last night that the Assault course was sponsored by Nerf. Does that mean there will be a possible Assault home game? Because I would be all over that.


Powerball
They really screwed the pooch on this one, the scoring cylinders are way too large now. This allows contenders to throw the balls in the cylinders instead of having to fight their way through the gladiators to earn points.


The Eliminator
They will need to revamp it next season, it's way too long and boring. Ooooh, they're swimming under fire. How extreme! Plus none of the contestants yet have figured out how to dive into the water and let the momentum carry them under the fire. And the lack of gladiator participation is a big letdown. They need to bring back the chutes with gladiators behind them before the finish line. I very much enjoyed seeing Gemini fuck people up who thought they were going to win.


Reality production
It's pretty annoying. Just as about an event is about to start they turn up the dramatic music and fade into a commercial. This is American Gladiators, not Temptation Island. If I weren't watching on a DVR, I'd be pissed.

More to come.