Friday, December 28, 2007

Year in (P)review

2007 is closing out so everyone and their perverted uncle are coming out with year-end lists. Since I have no will of my own I'm going to jump on that bandwagon and notch another easy post to my 2007 total. I could list my top 10 favorite albums/movies/celebrity fuck-ups/etc... but that's not how I operate. I've decided to post my top 10 ideas that I never got around to writing. Actually there are plenty more, but I can't reveal my whole hand yet. I will post some of these eventually so you can also consider this a preview of things to come. They'll go from least likely to ever get written to something I've probably already started. Let's begin, shall we?

10. Why are retards always smiling?
Seriously, why?

9. Liveblogging the 14+ minute version of Rapper's Delight
Actual excerpt "12:21 - just realized that song is still going"

8. An objective assessment of the robbery that took place at my apartment three weeks ago
I got robbed in October, not three weeks ago. And it wasn't coming together like I wanted.

7. Three reasons why Jaws 3 is the third best Jaws movie ever
I could only think of two reasons.

6. Music that I can't even sell back to the record store
I own many albums that I'm too embarrassed to sell back. Limp Bizkit anyone? Yeah, my taste in music was pretty bad in high school.

5. Blogging on Absinthe
It's legal in Boston, I just haven't gone to the liquor store and bought any yet.

4. Top 10 bands I could die happily without ever hearing again
A top 10 list in another top 10 list! Does that blow your mind?

3. "We Are Family"
I can't tell you anymore right now. My sister came up with the idea, and it must be written.

2. Zombies!
I just didn't have time in October.

1. 1970's porno music, is there anything it can't do?
I'm still doing the research. Seriously.

So that's it for this year. Have a boozetacular New Year's Eve, like this guy obviously did.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Harder... Faster... Better... Deader

About a month ago Evel Knievel died. That sucks. Evel Knievel has been one of my heroes for one simple reason: he was a bad motherfucker. I'm not talking about jumping motorcycles over shit, which is cool, or holding the record for most broken bones (also cool), but more his "I just don't give a fuck" attitude and swagger that comes with the territory. I know he was old but I never figured he would just go out like some pussy to lung disease at age 69. I figured he'd get to 103 before attempting to jump a motorized wheelchair over 6 flaming hospital beds only to realize as he was hitting the ramp the wheelchair battery was almost dead and he would not make it. It would be all dramatic and classy like the end of 300.

The weekend after he died I kept replaying it in my mind. Lung disease? Evel Knievel!? I just couldn't accept his fate. I did a little reading up on Evel and saw that a few days earlier in the week there was a story that Kanye West had settled out of court with Evel over use of his likeness in a music video last year. I hadn't seen it because I don't give a shit about music videos and don't know where to see them besides YouTube. Then I remembered that the week before Kanye West's mother had died from botched plastic surgery. Hmmmm... My Sherlockian curiosity had been piqued. Kanye West had been involved in two news worthy deaths in a matter of weeks. Coincidence? I think not.

Now I could give you some excuses that I haven't written anything new recently because I decided to join the striking members of the Writers Guild of America, but I'm a not a member, or even a real writer. So then I figured I could say that I have been really busy at work and in addition I have a life, but those would be blatant lies. It turns out that I've been busy researching my hunch: Kanye West is a murderer.

Now before anyone gets all whiny and litigious, I'm using murderer in the least inflammatory sense of the word. Good. Now that my ass is covered on to the evidence.

Exhibit A: Evel Knievel

Here's a picture of Evel Knievel taken before he met with Kanye West. His appearance is so youthful and full of life. Look at him preach to those kids about the evils of drugs, foreign cars, and Communism.

Now here's a picture of Evel Knievel with Kanye West. He looks like the goddamn Cryptkeeper. I attribute that to the brash smugness exuded by one Mr. West who thought it was a good idea to rip off Evel Knievel in the first place which would undoubtedly spur a lawsuit, and whoever has ever been involved with a lawsuit knows that they can suck the life out of you. I bet Kanye's plan was to drag it out long enough so Evel would kick the bucket and his family would drop the suit because they didn't want Evel to be remembered as an old codger only concerned about money who also didn't understand youth culture. Kanye's legal team would also hint at him being a racist. That's pretty low.

Exhibit B: Donda West

I wouldn't have brought it up so soon, but justice must be served. I don't know what Donda did for work, but I bet it didn't provide her the income to become a plastic surgery junkie. And before you call me a racist for assuming she couldn't afford plastic surgery because she's black and therefore had a shitty job, if she worked at all. Let me drop some info on you, I live very comfortably in the Boston area. Now if you didn't know the cost of living up here is among the highest in the country. That being said, I can't afford plastic surgery (as if I would even need it). Actually I probably could if I didn't spend most of my money on pogs, Turbografx-16 games, and astronaut ice cream. So where did she get the money to kill herself? Her famous and wealthy son. Oh yeah, and if you still think I'm racist after that (shit, I'm starting to think I'm racist after that), you should probably read this. See, I'm cool. Now let us move on.

Exhibit C: 50 Cent's credibility

Kanye won the big 9/11 rap off (that sounds so wrong in retrospect) and 50 didn't retire as the said he would. Wait a second, a public figure flip-flopped on a bold statement? Up is down, down is up, cats and dogs are living together in sin, etc... I guess 50's next career move will be to get into politics. I was hoping it would be moving to the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

Exhibit D: Britney Spears' career

Too easy, I'll just move on.

Exhibit E: Ellen Degeneres' judgement

I know the late night shows are returning sans writers next week, but who was the first talk show host to cross the picket line? That's right, Ellen "Big Balls" Degeneres, or Ellen "Scab-bo" Degeneres depending on your take on the issue and your level of bigotry. This deep into the strike pretty much everyone is happy that the talk shows are coming back with new programming so we don't have to watch reruns of Jay Leno interviewing Urkel (at least that's how it would go down in my dreams). But a couple months back when she crossed the picket line she got slammed pretty bad by everyone.

I believe this picture was taken a few weeks before the strike happened, so I checked with one of my inside sources on the Ellen show who mentioned that a conversation was overheard in the green room between Ellen and Kanye. There is no "official" transcript of said conversation, but it may have went down like this:

Ellen: I don't know what I'm going to do if my writers go on strike.

Kanye: Fuck the writers. It's the Ellen show, not the writers show. People come to see you dance and cry about dogs and shit, not to see the writers dance and cry about their problems.

Ellen: You're right Kanye, it IS the Ellen show. Fuck those greedy bitches.

Kanye: Yeah homegirl.

She also looks really stupid in those sunglasses. Take that Ellen!

Exhibit F: Marching Bands

I couldn't really think of anything to say about marching bands, I just thought Kanye looks ridiculous in that picture. What an asshole.

Exhibit G: The Enviroment

Al Gore won an Oscar for producing a film that discusses the very real threat of global warming. The Bush administration says that there isn't enough evidence to say that global warming exists. Hmmmm... which side do I want to take on this subject? Look at the trail of flames following Kanye around. If that happens everywhere he goes then by my calculations there is a significant amount of CO2 being put into our atmosphere every day, which would contribute to global warming. Chalk up another victory to Al Gore over G-Dubbs. I could even conclude that the amount of CO2 is comparable (because he's as hot as Hansel right now) to the amount of methane release into the atmosphere by cattle. If only Kanye's shoes were made of kangaroo asses. Hey, we all have to do our part.

Exhibit H: You?

Haven't I provided enough evidence for you. If you meet Kanye you're fucked. Sorry but that's the way it goes.

Now usually my investigative reporting is just conjecture, wild accusations, and made up evidence, so this post pretty much reinforces that. However this time I did some real reporting and sought out some experts in the field for comment.

My first source was the grim reaper. When reached for comment the grim reaper responded: "Are you saying Kanye is a killer just because he's black? Dude, that's pretty racist. Just kidding. But seriously, I wouldn't want to hang out with that guy, I have a pretty good thing going." I also got managed to get a hold of the devil. When reached for comment the devil responded: "He doesn't work for me, but I like his [killing] style. Do you think you could get me a pair of those sunglasses? It's pretty bright down here in hell." I told the devil that I'm pretty sure that they are mostly ornamental and probably provide little UV protection if any at all. For calling him out he threatened my soul and called me a queer for having a blog. I retorted at least I don't hang around some pit with tied-up half-naked dudes all day and then got the fuck out of there.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Happy Boxing Day

...from baby Hitler. And I'm not dead, I've been working on something that I should get up in the next couple days. I promise.