Thursday, November 29, 2007

Preview: Homeless Report

Most of the shit I write is supposed to be humorous. This will not require any of my assistance. See you tomorrow. [update: 12/27] Tomorrow never came. I'll put it up eventually.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

It's the most wonderful time of the year

...if you're homeless.

The holiday season seems to be the only time anyone cares about homeless people. There are all kinds of food drives, coat drives, and other charitable drives geared toward assisting homeless people. I've never seen a 4th of July homeless cookout or super spooky homeless Halloween bash. I came up with that little theory in shower this morning and decided to do a little research while heading into the office. Like most people, usually when I see a homeless person I avoid eye contact and pretend that I can't hear them, or if an encounter is eminent I'll pull out my cell phone and pretend I'm on a call. Even homeless people are usually polite enough not to bother someone on the phone. Today I stopped at the first homeless person I saw and started talking to him.

Jon: Hey buddy, how you doing today?

Homeless man: Pissah.

Jon: Could I ask you a couple questions?

Homeless man: Shoot.

Jon: With the upcoming holiday season rapidly approaching, do you notice that people are nicer or more generous to you?

Homeless man: Ya know, I hadn't really thought about it because I usually only think about gettin' shitfaced. [becomes distracted by a plastic bag caught in the breeze]

Jon: Um... ok? Could you think about it now?

Homeless man: [thinking] [eyes become wide] [looks down at spare change cup] [looks up at me]

Jon: [puts a 5er in his ratty Dunkin' Donuts cup]

Homeless man: Usually people just want to spit on me and scurry me back under a bridge like a fuckin' troll ...or a fuckin' Yankees fan. Ya know what I'm sayin' pal? [extends filthy hand expecting a high-five]

Jon: [straight-faced] I stopped high-fiving when I became an adult (that's a lie).

Homeless man: [becomes agitated] Ya think you're some kinda big shot!?

Jon: I don't need to deal with this shit. Thanks for your time. Have a nice day.

Homeless man: You scared of me!?

Jon: No, I'm heading to work and don't want bum stink on me.

Homeless man: [drunkenly stumbles off of curb and falls in the street thus blocking traffic]

Jon: It's supposed to snow today, stay warm.

Homeless man: [from street] Fuck you ya fuckin' prick!

So I guess this proves my theory correct. People are nicer to bums homeless people during the holiday season.

...and homeless people are just as caring.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Hide the wife and kids

Despite my recent post on not being a Masshole when it comes to being a sports fan, guess what? I've flip-flopped like my boy John Kerry. However I'm not going to gloat about the Patriots and Celtics (btw, both still undefeated as of this posting), and I have no idea or any interest how the Bruins are doing. Like 93% of all Americans you're probably asking "Then who could Jon be talking about? He's already named the only sports that matter." That's true reader. So then what am I talking about?

Filipino slap-fighting? The national spelling bee? Baby seal clubbing? General douchebaggery?

No on three counts.

I'm talking about the New England Revolution being in the MLS Cup this coming Sunday.

New England who? MLS what?

That's right motherfuckers, we're also dominating in professional soccer (or football/futbol for my international readers). This is the third consecutive year that the Revs (that's our nickname for them, pretty ingenious huh?) have been in the MLS Cup. They lost the last two but have a 50/50 shot of winning this year. Pretty sweet odds if I do say so. Now if they lose on Sunday some people could compare them to the Buffalo Bills of the late 80's/early 90's by making the title game several years in a row, only to lose every time. And to clarify, "some people" constitutes 16 people who actually follow professional soccer and know anything about football. And my information is legit, I hired the Gallup Organization to do the research for me.

But if the Revs win I can all but guarantee rioting in the streets of Boston, even more destructive than the Red Sox Wold Series win in '04. Drunken soccer hooligans fans and drunken college kids pouring into the streets turning over cars, climbing traffic lights, setting celebratory fires, and dolling out heavy sack beatings all while singing beloved fight songs. It's like St. Patrick's Day part II. After running all the calculations and figures though one of the supercomputers we have here at my place of employment, there will be an estimated $41 million in damage and at least 34 civilian casualties. I better stop at Home Depot on my way home so I can board up my apartment to hopefully prevent looting and general vandalism.

Wait a second, there's a Patriots game on Sunday night? I guess I forgot to figure that into my calculations. That will take a couple mil off the estimate. Shit.

Oh yeah, I also just realized that I'm part of the 93% of Americans that don't give a shit about soccer. Never mind.

Go Revs! ...kind of

Friday, November 9, 2007

I'm setting booty traps

"Thank you for your brave service soldier. On a personal note, I loved you in Goonies."

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's A Wrap

Last Tuesday Robert Goulet passed away at the age of 73. What the fuck Devil's Night!?! Why are you so insistent on messing with my enjoyment of Halloween this decade? Hands down, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Better than Chinese New Year, better than Evacuation Day, even better than Leif Ericson Day. So then why the past couple of years have two of my favorite entertainers died the day before? In 2002 Jam Master Jay was shot and killed and now Robert Goulet died while awaiting a lung transplant. I didn't realize this until I was reading the article about his death, but I got to see him perform live ...sort of.

I went to opening day at Fenway this year. Naturally before the game, my friends and I did a little pre-gaming (getting shitfaced at 10 in the morning). Somehow we were able to actually get to Fenway and managed to get to our seats during the opening ceremonies. I heard the PA announcer mention Robert Goulet and then heard him singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame or God Bless America, or something of that nature. I didn't see him on the field so I just assumed that they were playing a recording of him singing; this made sense at the time because I was so hammered. Now when I read the article about his death I saw this photo of Goulet crooning something out at opening day this past season:

So I got to experience Goulet live, but who really cares? I do, and you should too. Goulet was a badass, and not just because of Will Ferrell's over the top impersonation of him on SNL that everyone and their 96-year old grandmother has seen. For one, he had a sweet moustache, which conveniently leads into part two of my list of greatest moustaches of all time. [part 1 here]

Robert Goulet

Goulet didn't sport a moustache early in his career, but I wasn't alive then, so I consider that fact irrelevant. And all of my Goulet memories come from his mustachioed period, so he fits on this list like Isotoners fit on OJ. Speaking of OJ, he co-stared with one Mr. Robert Goulet in The Naked Gun 2½. That movie was pretty funny.

Jake Plummer

Recent Career: Quarterback for the Denver Broncos. Probably even more recent career: drive-thru playmaker at White Castle. But from the looks of that 'stache, he looks to be working on some adult film set somewhere in Southern California (the part that wasn't torched by that little kid; but he was a good kid!). And speaking of porno moustaches...

Ron Jeremy

Everyone in the world knows who Ron Jeremy is. Not everyone knows why he's famous though. If you are one of those people then today isn't your lucky day. I don't really feel like talking about Mr. Jeremy's "talent", so you can investigate on your own time. In the meantime, check out that moustache, pretty classy huh?


I wanted to include Mutley in my last list but I didn't because I couldn't tell if he had a moustache. Well I didn't have the same problem with Chewbacca. Check out his upper lip. Despite him being completely covered in hair, there is a distinct color difference in the hair where a moustache should be. That's good enough for me. And don't ask me where this picture came from, I don't really know. I just assume that it's a from a deleted scene in Empire Strikes Back. I mean they had that incest angle going on, why not bestiality too? Han Solo must have been pissed.


For those that can't remember, All-4-One is an R&B group who won a Grammy in the mid-90's for some awful song that I can't remember. And yet I remember them having some interesting moustaches in the video of said song I can't remember. I couldn't find a picture of those guys with moustaches, but I found the above picture which was named all-4-one.jpg which appears to be a bunch of assholes holding hands during a polygamous civil union ceremony in a bank or Realtors office. I see that they don't have moustaches, but the picture was too good not to share.

These two kids

I can't tell if those are fake moustaches or if those kids are Hispanic, but they are rocking some pretty serious facial hair. They could also be midgets, but I can't see any of their extremities. Your guess is as good as mine.

Friday, November 2, 2007

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times...

I am a Boston/New England sports fan. I have been all 25 years of my life. Despite it currently being a "golden age'" of sports in Boston, it also really sucks for me being a fan. Here's why:

That seems to be the general consensus of all other sports fans across the country, and I can't really blame them. I don't want to hear about the Patriots every other play on Monday Night Football when they're not playing, or have every third story on SportsCenter be about the Red Sox. It's overkill. And the hype for this weeks game between the Pats and Colts is sickening. This will not be the greatest regular season game ever unless the game is tied in the fourth quarter at 42 going into the two-minute warning when aliens land at the 50-yard line and bestow upon us the technology necessary to create the hoverboard. That would be something. The constant media barrage is only part of the problem. The other is Red Sox Nation.

I am a Red Sox fan. I am not part of Red Sox Nation. It was cute when it was used occasionally by the media, but when the ownership took it and marketed this shit out of it after the World Series win in '04, that was the end. Does your team's fan base have an official president? Mine does, and that is one of the saddest things I can think of. Even sadder than a puppy with cancer.

What's leukemia?

Next on my shitlist should be Patriots fans. Guess what? I'm not going to talk shit about their general boastful dickweedery because any other fan base would act the same exact way if they were in the same position (winning). Go to any football game at an opposing stadium and see how you are treated. Most of the fans of the the opposing team will give you some good-natured ribbing, but they are cool and will talk football, eat various grilled meats, and drink beer all day. This is the same on the internet. The fans who cause the bad rap are the 10% or so who love to act like their teams accomplishments somehow increase their status in football fandom. Every team has them, deal with it until it's your turn. On the other hand, I can't stand the whiny Patriots (Boston) fans who still act like everyone is against them and can't shut the fuck up and just enjoy the season. Do you know why everyone is seemingly against you? Because that is the point of competition. Sports wouldn't be entertaining if every game ended up in a tie, like tee ball, would it? Now shut the fuck up!

I've complained about Celtics fans in the past so I don't need to touch them again, no one cares about BC unless you are enrolled or an alumnus, and it wouldn't be fair to pick on the 8 or so remaining Bruins fans. So basically it comes down to everyone hates us because our teams are winning and we are being pricks about it. I'm not looking for pity, I just wanted to comment on the state of fandom in the city of Boston. So for the record: as a Boston sports fan, I Jon promise not to whine or be a prick about my sports teams, I'll just be a prick about everything else.