Friday, August 31, 2007

Drug free, so put the crack up

Donnie D wasn't the backup this evening, I can assure you that. Actually, I can't because I missed the birthday bash because I was too busy ripping a closet out of my apartment (damn you priorities). I also didn't attend because it's not 1989 and I'm not an impressionable youth anymore. And yes, I was into the New Kids in 3rd grade, because the girl I liked was into them, so fuck off. I am a little interested in the friends and family line. The obvious question that springs to mind is if any/all the other New Kids showed up? Jordan, Joey, Jonathan, and ummmm... the other guy. Probably not, just wishful thinking. I'm sure the other guys had more important things to do.

Don't act like you didn't rock one of these back in the day.

Oh yeah, and with today being the 10th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana, I figured I'd link to the post where I covered that topic a couple weeks back: Princess Diana just won't die

It's not as awful as it sounds.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Steven Seagal: media terrorist?

From Friday's LA Times:

Not long ago, Steven Seagal was one of the best-paid action stars in Hollywood. The martial arts master played crime-busting anti-heroes in films that generated more than $1 billion in ticket and DVD sales during the 1990s.

Now he appears in low-budget productions that go straight to video.

Seagal says he knows why: Five years ago, he was implicated in a plot to frighten two journalists out of writing unflattering stories about him and his former business partner.

An FBI affidavit detailed allegations that Seagal hired private eye Anthony Pellicano to terrorize one of the reporters, a freelancer working for the Los Angeles Times.

The investigation soon changed course, focusing on allegations that Pellicano spied on celebrities and other members of the Hollywood elite. The onetime detective-to-the-stars is in federal prison, awaiting trial on wire-tapping and other charges.

Seagal and the alleged plot to intimidate journalists became a footnote. The actor was never charged, and federal authorities have privately told reporters they have no persuasive evidence against him. But the FBI has never publicly cleared him.

Seagal said the publicity has been devastating to his career. He wants an apology.

"False FBI accusations fueled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia," Seagal, 56, said recently in his first public comments on the case. "These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers -- and kill careers."

Riiiiight... it was the FBI that killed Steven Seagal's career, not the fact that no one wants to see a movie starring an emotionless, overweight, senior citizen take on the People Liberation Army, or whatever Asian military power that's in vogue at the moment. And don't give me any shit about Stallone playing Rambo again, at least the man has emotion. Have you seen the trailer for John Rambo?

Everyone and their great-grandmother has seen the Chuck Norris facts by now. Well I bet you didn't know that there are some Steven Seagal facts. I was able to dig them up from the deepest, darkest corner of the internet and present them to you now.

Fact: Steven Seagal sucks.

Actually, that's all I was able to find. Luckily here is an additional fact that I was able to come up with.

Fact: Of the 32 acting credits that Steven Seagal has on IMDB, 10 of the characters are named John, or a variation of it including Jack and Jonathan.

So just by name alone he is pretty much playing the same character a third of the time. I can't really tell you if he's actually playing the same character, because I never saw a second Steven Seagal movie (I missed Under Siege 2: Railway Boogaloo). But from my only movie experience and seeing various media appearances, I have a pretty good idea that the only character he can play with any skill is Steven Seagal.

Fact: denim isn't just for tuxedos anymore

Friday, August 17, 2007

List-a-majig: Gospel Fan?

While waiting to be seated for breakfast on Sunday a large black woman approached me and asked me if I listen to gospel music. I quickly learned that she was trying to sell me a CD of her singing gospel music. I applaud the entrepreneurial spirit and I can't blame her for asking me, as she also asked anyone that was waiting outside, but I don't look like the typical gospel fan. Granted I was waiting alone outside an IHOP in a primarily black part of Baltimore, but a couple things should have told her I wouldn't bite:

1. Hair: Depending on who you are, my hairstyle could be perceived as gay (those dudes clean up nice, why wouldn't I want that?), which could allude to me being gay, which is considered immoral by most churches, which she was selling a gospel album, which usually is singing about God...

I could go on all day.

2. Clothing: Most of the black patrons were dressed in their Sunday best after obviously attending Sunday services. I was dressed in a graphic tee, cargo shorts, and flip flops. The staple of the nondescript Caucasian in the summer (you can substitute a polo for the graphic tee, if you shop at the mall). I obviously didn't just come from church.

You motherfuckers need to find Jesus

3. Backpacks: The only reason we went to IHOP was it was near our hotel, we were hungry, we didn't have a rental car, and we had checked out of our hotel. By checking out of the hotel we had to bring our luggage, which for me was a backpack. I personally don't know many white people who rock a backpack every day. There are college students, couriers, and skateboarders to name a few, but I don't run with those circles, and she probably couldn't tell because we all look the same.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

List-a-majig: Whores

It is very difficult to keep everyone happy while traveling with a large group of people without any set plans. When I was in Las Vegas a couple months ago with 12 friends we all just split up and did whatever we wanted, occasionally running into each other. No fighting whatsoever. Unlike Vegas, during this Baltimore trip everyone stayed with the group pretty much the whole time, which lead to some tension when deciding what to do next, like eating lunch.

After visiting about five places in Inner Harbor that had hour plus long waits, the decision was made to go to Hooters. Why the fuck would I want to go to a gimmicky restaurant when there are plenty of local (non-touristy) places that would probably serve me a better meal for my money? I aired my displeasure at the decision but quickly let it go because everyone was still hungover and in a bad mood due to the hot weather.

Straight up, Hooters sucks. The food is terrible so the only reason to go is to ogle the Hooters girls ...if you're 16 and can't get laid. The last thing that I want to deal with when I'm hungover and hungry is having some waitress trying to flirt with me while positioning her huge rack in my face.

Now with that out of the way, on to the list. I devised a ranking of whorish behaviour while out drinking Friday night after transacting with some particularly sluttily-dressed bartenders, but then had to immediately amend it Saturday during lunch at Hooters. And I know behavior is spelled wrong, I thought the U would give it a little class. Here are my findings (and commentary/reasoning):

Ranking of Whorish Behaviour, established August 10, 2007

1. Substance whore - giving it up for an illicit substance (no joke, this is just sad)

2. Prostitute - giving it up for money (at least they have a job)

3. Stripper - showing it all off for tips (while usually dancing poorly)

4. Slutty bartender - showing most of it for tips (these girls usually show more skin than the female patrons of the establishment)

5. Hooters waitress - highlights it for tips (I realize you have huge boobs, and now that little kid in the highchair you almost knocked out with the twins while trying to get into the picture with the old guy being cheered on by his business associates does too)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


Oriole Park at Camden Yards

Along with seemingly half of Boston, I visited Baltimore with a bunch of friends this past weekend. The main attraction was seeing our beloved Red Sox take on the hometown Orioles at beautiful Oriole Park at Camden Yards. I actually felt bad for the 67 or so Orioles fans that were at those games because it was like Fenway Jr. all weekend. As I'm writing this, I don't really feel that bad because those 67 fans must have been feeling pretty good that their team snatched 2 of the 3 games after two blown saves by our newest addition Eric "Game Over" Gagne. As many older Sox fans tend to do, and for the comedic purposes of this post, I will immediately judge Eric Gagne after this past weekend's performance.

Eric Gagne is my third least favorite export from Canada after their geese and the Barenaked Ladies.

As I've already made quite clear in this post, there were Sox fans everywhere we went in the city, and boy did Baltimore submit to it. Stores in the crappy little tourist malls were prominently displaying Sox merch in their storefronts trying to appeal to the wave of tourist dollar that was infiltrating the city. That's the kind of move that only pussy third-rate cities do. I would expect that shit from the hometown of "The Drew Carey Show", not "The Wire". Just kidding Cleveland, you guys are alright. I just can't think of any shows that were/are based in Tampa Bay.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Princess Diana just won't die

I was flipping though the HD channels on my TV last night and came across a rebroadcast of the Concert for Diana on MHD. While I was in the supermarket the day before I saw some thick, shiny tribute magazine about her. I just don't get the whole celebrating the life of Princess Diana thing that just won't die (not a pun, and not meant to be in bad taste). It has been ten years since she passed, when is the world finally going to let go? Not to sound like a complete asshole, but why does anyone care anymore, especially Americans? Last time I checked we haven't had a monarchy controlling us for some 230 years.

I know she was a great humanitarian and deserves all the respect and admiration in the world, but she wasn't our princess. Mother Teresa was also a great humanitarian, and you don't hear shit about her anymore. There aren't any concerts or magazine dedicated to her. I think The only reason that Princess Diana still gets media coverage is because she was perceived as an attractive woman. She was alright, but not exactly my cup of tea, maybe a 7. And to further cover my ass, Mother Teresa was also not my cup of tea (damn it's hard to stay objective).

The only reason I remember where I was when I heard Princess Diana died was because I just came home after breaking my nose and being temporarily blinded in one eye from playing basketball. I still have a bump in the bridge of my nose due to a jump shot (line drive) coming up just short and thus glancing off the bottom of the rim and blasting me in the face. When I see that bump in the mirror, I don't think of celebrating Princess Diana's life, I think that I wish I had a vision problem as a child and invested in some Horace Grant sport goggles.

I'm pretty sure those could deflect a bullet

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Booze Cruising 101

I went on a booze cruise recently for a friend's birthday and learned some very important lessons. Being the generous soul that I am, I've decided to write a primer for any potential booze cruisers out there with this being the prime booze cruising season. I originally planned on writing this the next morning, but I was too hungover to be a functioning member of society. Shit, I barely got to work in one piece. On with the tips.

1. Be on the list
I don't know anyone who's ever out of the blue decided to go on a booze cruise. Make the call and save yourself a couple bucks so you can spend more on alcohol.

Me - "Hey friend, what do you feel like doing this evening?"

Friend - "I don't know Jon. How about we go on a booze cruise?"

That has never happened.

2. Dress appropriately
Ladies, as much as I like you dressing like you're going to the finest club in town, in actuality you're drinking on a third-rate tour boat that probably hasn't been seaworthy for the better part of a decade. It's kind of like if your Catholic school was having a parents career day and your mom was a hooker. Not at all appropriate for the situation.

Way to stay classy Boston (note the plastic bench on the right).

3. Be on the deck during sunset
The real party doesn't get going until everyone gets a few drinks in them, so why not enjoy all the splendors of nature while getting drunk primed to dance?

Beautiful me Skipper!

4. Buy drinks two at a time, if not more
Once this thing gets going you'll be waiting in long lines to get a drink. Why not put some time between waiting in line and grab at least two drinks, which you probably do anyway if your a hardcore alki. Bonus tip: Seek out alternate bars on the boat. There was a second bar below deck and there was never a line, which still didn't stop me from grabbing two drinks at a time. And I don't have a drinking problem, I'm just devoted to spending the least amount of time in lines as possible as I'm ridiculously impatient. See, not an alcoholic.

5. Dance carefully
The best moment of the night wasn't the booty shaking contest, that was actually quite sad on so many levels, despite the birthday girl taking the win. It was when a couple of drunk girls decided to get the party started by trying to get people to start dancing. Before that it was kind of like a middle school dance with everyone standing around the dance floor, but not like a middle school dance because the boys and girls weren't on the opposite side of the boat. Anyway, how did they try? By dancing of course! However they did not notice in all their drunkenness that the boat was starting to hit choppy waters. To explain what happened next, I've come up with a simple equation that demonstrates this: drunk girls + high heels + choppy water = hilarious results. I'm not kidding when I tell you that one of them almost went overboard not once, but twice, and she was in the middle of the dance floor about 20 feet away from the side.

6. Don't/Can't dance? No problem!
There are a ton of other things to do on a booze cruise: watch drunk girls almost go overboard while attempting to dance, hang out on the deck, um... hang out below deck. That's about it. Have fun!

Thursday, August 2, 2007

It's baaaack...

Now if they could only bring the short shorts back

Celtic Pride has finally returned to Boston with the acquisition of Kevin Garnett, and to a lesser extent Ray Allen, and I don't know how I feel about that. It's great that Boston is now a three-sports city (sorry B's but hockey sucks, especially you guys), but I feel a little cheated about the rampant bandwagon jumping the region is currently engaging in. I haven't been the biggest C's fan over the last 3 years, but at least I was still a fan. I watched at least half of the games, even during last years embarrassing phone-it-in attempt of a season to get a top two lottery pick. I was devastated and then infuriated when the C's ended up with the #5 pick in the lottery after wasting a season. Regardless of how I feel, Celtic Pride in full effect. While driving home from work yesterday I saw people on the street wearing C's gear: skaters, brothers, middle-aged white guys, old Asian ladies, even an Indian guy (I made those last two up but just because I didn't see it yesterday doesn't mean that they aren't out there). Actually, the only time I ever see people wearing C's gear in Boston is when they are going to a game at The Garden (Fleet Center), or if they're homeless and the only shirt on their back is a Larry Bird caricature t-shirt from 1991.

I couldn't find a picture of that shirt, but you get the idea [update: found it]

Well despite my earlier reservations, I for one welcome the return of Celtic Pride to Boston because The Garden has been a depressing place to see a game the past couple years (except when the Globetrotters were in town, that gag with the confetti bucket never gets old) and hope these moves result in banner #17 before the team bus has to make stops at the nursing home.

You knew that this was coming