Friday, February 29, 2008

Concert Review: Point/Counterpoint

I was out of my friggin' mind yesterday because I've been fighting illness and was working on a couple hours sleep. That being said, I decided to write up a review of the show I went to the night before that contributed to my insanity. I don't feel like editing it so I'm just going to post what seemed like a good idea at the time. Comments I added today will be (in parenthesis). Basically I wanted to post something on Leap Year Day, so I won't have to wait four years for another chance to do this (and I probably won't be blogging in four years, so I'll take the opportunity while I have it). Here it is, and I know it sucks:

Last night (Wednesday night) I attended Via Audio/Headlights/Evangelicals/This Car Up show at the Middle East Upstairs. There was some drunk 70 year-old-looking guy standing near me (this is 100% true) so I decided to get his opinion of the show based on his body language.

This Car Up
I missed their set while enjoying drinks with my new lady friend. That being said, I hadn't encountered the drunk 70 year-old yet.

Me: They said they are from Oklahoma yet they dressed like they worked at Hot Topic. I'm guessing their local Hot Topic was shut down for being a tool of the devil so they had to form a band to keep dressing like that. They put on an interesting show that included prominent use of blacklight and a strobe light solo that went on long enough to give me epilepsy, but the crowd wasn't really into them. If you haven't heard them I would describe their sound as a cross between Blind Melon and My Chemical Romance, sort of. If your high school was having a Halloween party I would suggest hiring this band (not really).
Drunk 70 year-old: [drunkenly stumbles into me, gives me a dirty look]

Me: Despite being second on the bill, they were the reason that mostly everyone was there, myself included. I really enjoyed their last album and embarrassingly didn't realize they put out a new album last week until I read about it elsewhere. Most of their set comprised of the new album and I only noticed one song from prior releases. It was a very good, albeit short set. They are very musically gifted and looked like they had a ball playing. And while leaving we got see them pack up their van while blasting Journey for all of Cambridge to enjoy. I wish I brought my camera to take video of that (it was a real cool scene, and it was also snowing).
Drunk 70 year-old: [kept Shhh'ing anyone who talked during the set, even during breaks between songs (I wanted to punch him in the face, but I saw what Bob Barker did to Happy Gilmore so I decided to play it safe)]

Via Audio
Me: At least half of the crowd took off after the Headlights set. Their loss. I don't think I've seen Via Audio before, and that's too bad because they were fucking excellent. I'm not going to try to describe them musically, because it would just be an insult to what they did on stage (and because I'm sucky at reviewing music). I'll just say that there was much dancing and hand clapping in the crowd. Check out their MySpace to give them a listen, and if they come to your city/town then I highly suggest you check them out.
Drunk 70 year-old: [somehow got in front of us and kept losing balance and falling into us] [definitely played air guitar on more than one occasion (that was rad)] [also raised his beer over his head without spilling it several times (very impressive)]

The show was excellent all around, and the old guy made it more interesting. At first I thought he was related to someone in one of the bands because old people aren't usually out after the Wheel and Jeopardy, but since he took off after the houselights came up, I just don't know.

(In conclusion, I should not try to write anything when I'm done like that. But I made one good point, go see Via Audio if they come around your burg.)

Friday, February 22, 2008

Ask and ye shall receive

On Wednesday I may have taken a little credit for Barack Obama's recent democratic nominee primary/caucus victories (eleven in a row as of this writing). So to offset my growing ego I decided to give something back, an offer to give more endorsements to the other little people out there. Yesterday I just received my first request. Here's the e-mail:

Hi Jonathan,

Congratulations on all your accomplishments in last few months! I noticed you may be very busy. Are you still teaching at Dance Spectrum? If you are, Jessica would like to continue her lessons with you. She is done with her soccer season and looking to start dancing again. Please let us know if you are available. Thank you.


Some people would say that Su sent this e-mail to my address thinking I was Jonathan that worked at Dance Spectrum and appeared on Dancing With the Stars. I am not. He's a sellout. And those people are wrong.

I would say Su knows talent when he reads it, and would like me to endorse Jessica's dancing ability, especially if she expects to be taught by some guy who was on TV. Consider it done Su.

Jessica the dancer/soccer player is endorsed by White Boys Can Dance.

Who's next?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'

Two weeks ago I posted the official White Boys Can Dance democratic presidential nominee endorsement for Barack Obama. Since then he's rallied off ten straight primary/caucus wins. I guess the dozens of hits I get from Google each day looking at my Rick Rude/Billy Mays picture is really fueling his campaign.

Who wants an endorsement?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

She Works Hard for Equality

Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money" isn't actually about working hard for the money as it is a social commentary on the state of race relations in the United States of America. Or so that's what I thought while bowling on Sunday. And yes, I was drinking.

Upon re-watching the video this morning I realized I had to tweak my initial assessment. But I didn't want to change my opening statement because it's probably the most intelligent sounding thing I've ever written. Let's discuss.

First the video:

Now the breakdown:

-Fade in to an hazy image of a woman dancing
-Cut to alarm clock and our protagonist waking up

Racism Meter: low

Chorus 1
-Various scenes of protagonist heading to work interacting with white people
-Cuts of Donna Summer singing chorus
-Protagonist starts scrubbing floor in a hallway

Racism Meter: a little racist

Verse 1
-Protagonist opens diner for business
-Donna Summer sings some more at the diner, no wait staff to be found
-Protagonist walks by counter only to have white man strike her buttocks, she gives a half-hearted smile

Racism Meter: a little more racist

Chorus 2
-Protagonist shown sewing at what can only be described as a Nike factory
-Donna Summer shown singing by punch clock, protagonist can't bear to look at her
-Protagonist shown walking home with groceries inter-cut with shots of Donna Summer
-Children are shown playing catch on front lawn

Racism Meter: still racist

Verse 2
-Protagonist watches Donna Summer sing through barred windows quite racistly
-Protagonist makes dinner for rotten kids who are fighting at the dinner table
-Protagonist goes into bedroom, feels up picture of a dancer (possible lesbian tendencies?)
-Rotten kids still fighting

Racism Meter: pretty racist, and somewhat negligent

Chorus 3
-Montage of protagonists likely typical day, pretty terrible

Racism Meter: not much racism here

Verse 3
-Protagonist falls to ground, Donna Summer assists protagonist to feet
-Protagonist gets into the back-off stance and backs away
-Some sort of choreographed sewing is going on
-Protagonist returns to home that has been robbed, drops her shit, assumingly loses mind
-Donna Summer tries to forcibly enter house?

Racism Meter: very racist

Guitar Solo
-Dream sequence where protagonist is dancing in street with a multicultural ensemble
-There may or may not have been some jazz hands involved

Racism Meter: far less racist

Chorus 4
-Donna Summer singing on balcony above the dance production that's taking place in the street below
-Protagonist walks away clearly disgusted after realizing that "urbanites" have joined in her good times

Racism Meter: confirmed racist

And the conclusion:

I guess my initial assessment was pretty astute, even after enjoying a few adult beverages. I hope this makes you think a little bit today. And I know I learned a lesson. What the lesson is, I'm not exactly sure. But I think it involves not being a racist.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Ruh Roh!

As I mentioned in Tuesday's post, I'm going to be really busy the next couple weeks, so don't be surprised if/when my posting output greatly diminishes. That being said, I've lined up a few guests to hopefully fill in for me. First up is my cousin Billy, who resides in Sweetwater, Texas. Take it away Billy.

This past Tuesday the Westminster Kennel Club crowned Uno, a 15 inch Beagle, best in show. That's all well and good, but as a moral member of society I am outraged and offended in their decision to broadcast this debaucherious event on television, where children could watch. For those out of the loop, I have obtained some photographic evidence that will clue you into what I'm talking about. Due to the NSFW nature of the images, I have decided to post them after the jump. [I removed the jump due to it screwing up the layout of the whole blog -Jon]

You can clearly see that dog's bulge. How disgusting!

Why hasn't the FCC stepped in?

Some people would call this a dog show, I would go as far as to call it a peep show.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I work with some classy people

I wrote this earlier today while out of the office. Now that I'm back I've decided to post it.

I'm on the road most of the rest of February so expect sporadic posts from me, like normal. I really didn't feel like doing any work last week and really felt like writing a bunch, so that's where all the output came from.

I'm actually at another office right now without internet access, so I'm writing this shit in Notepad. 1981's state of the art technology still used in the 21st century. Spell check? Who needs that shit? Not me. Notepad baby. Use it. Love it.

So back to what I'm trying to get at. I was walking around the office and saw this:

What's that on the windowsill?

Is that what I think it is?

Holy shit! Someone left a clearly used bottle of massage oil (classy lube) out in the middle of the office.

What kind of office is this? Is that a sign of what happens after hours? What kind of company do I work for that obviously has no problem with used marital aids lying around in the open? I'm no prude, but in the working world there's a little thing called sexual harassment, where any uptight biddy can claim they are being harassed over the littlest thing. "Hey Mary, I like your new haircut." Sexual Harassment! "Hi Jessica, those are some sharp new pants." Sexual Harassment!

Now how about a real life example? I swear on my unborn children that my company once employed a wackjob who said another employee's seeing-eye dog sexually harassed her by sniffing her crotch. How do I know this? Because HR told me the story.

Bonus corporate tip: get in good with HR by any means necessary and always be on their good side. You must trust me on this.

Anyway so I've been here for awhile and am pretty bored. I head up to the second floor to check it out and see a couch in a back room:

I'm more of a night person, so I'm always tired before 2PM, so I decide to lay down. As I'm about to lay down a vision of the bottle of massage oil pops into my head. I don't want to speculate, but I'm pretty sure that was some sort of premonition advising me against lying down. Now it all adds up. Ewwwwww... I need to wash my hands.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Equinsu Ocha

Hello reader. My name is Jon. If you couldn't tell, I'm white. Not full blooded, but when census time rolls around, that's the box I check off. And if you saw me walking down the street you would agree with that designation (based on appearance, not walking like I have a stick up my ass). Why am I bringing this up? Because as a privileged Caucasian member of society there are certain words and phrases that I am not allowed to use. Well, I can actually use any words that I want (and frequently do), but because of past use by fellow Caucasians, some words are rightfully off limits. That's being said, I wondered if there was a situation appropriate for me to use one such word. That's right, the most controversial word that I can think of. So I asked The Assimilated Negro.

And one final note. Black people, you need to come up with something better than honky as a racial slur for white people. It's just doesn't carry the same weight. Same thing with cracker. I'm not as offended as I should be. Actually, I don't really get offended at much, so maybe it's just me? But probably not.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Living Dead Attack Super Bowl

BOSTON (WBCD) -- Since the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" in 2004, halftime at the Super Bowl has been mostly a ho-hum affair. Considered edgy in their respective primes, The Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney followed the two subsequent years with safe, family-friendly performances. Even the oft-controversial Prince was mostly kept in check during his performance in Miami last year. However all of this changed this past Sunday during the halftime performance that was supposed to feature Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

Instead home viewers with high definition television sets were shocked to see reanimated corpses on stage performing cuts from Tom Petty's solo album Full Moon Fever along with an additional song. When reached for comment, the halftime show producer Don Mischer responded "That was Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers out there, I swear." Despite reassurances most of the nation agrees that it was the living dead on stage, and not members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. "I hate using the zed word, but I swear there were zombies on stage." responded South Boston resident Tommy McCarthy when questioned about the performance. He added "However, that did sound an awful lot like Tom Petty. Maybe the zombies were lip syncing like Paul Abdul?"

Scientists in the Glendale area have yet to explain this phenomenon, but urge the public not to panic. "This appears to be an isolated incident as no further cases have been reported." stated Dr. Stephen Leung, a professor of biology at Arizona State University. He added "We are doing everything we can to find the cause of this condition, and if necessary a cure." This response has done little to quell the furor on the internet.

In fact thousands of theories have already emerged on the internet just days after the performance. One of the most common stems from news of Asteroid 2007 TU24 closely passing the Earth last week. Astronomical message boards have been ablaze with posts debating the materials Asteroid 2007 TU24 was comprised of and the effects it would have on biological life on Earth. On one such message board, Space-Talk, the poster Spock<369 suggested this theory, "I viewed the event [asteroid passing the Earth] at home using my Celestron NexStar 8 SE and detected a faint purple-ish [sp] glow emanating from the object. As this object did not enter or even graze our atmosphere, the glow could have only come from the object emitting some sort of cosmic radiation. This radiation surely is the cause of the sudden reanimation of the deceased."

Experts did find it strange that the undead performers seemed more interested in playing with the instruments on stage than feasting on the flesh of the crowd surrounding the stage. "Perhaps these particular specimens prefer their food aged like a fine wine or cognac?" pondered noted zombie expert Kenneth Foree, referring to the mostly young crowd that surrounded the stage.

A press release from Tom Petty's record label Warner Bros. Records reads: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were the scheduled performers, and did in fact perform at the Bridgestone Super Bowl XLII Halftime show. The unfounded rumors of zombies playing instead of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are simply untrue. Mr. Petty would like it noted that he is alive and in good health and thanks everyone for their support during this ordeal. He would also like to offer his respect to all deceased people, reanimated or not.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Ebony and Ivory

While driving to my polling location to vote yesterday I was almost sideswiped which would have put me into oncoming traffic. I would have been horribly injured and probably would have died as a result. Fuck that. Don't let "the man" fool you. Voting is for squares.

Does that mean I'm going to stop paying attention to the primary coverage? Fuck and no. I stayed up until 3AM this morning watching CNN. This shit is exciting. Well all except watching Wolf Blitzer stumble over almost every word that came out of his bearded face. That was sad. It's also really enjoyable to see the in-studio pundits not knowing what the hell is going on. CNN, please hire me as an in-studio pundit. I come fairly cheap and can bullshit with the best of them. Here's an example:

[begin scene]
[the date is March 4th]
[news rolls in that Obama wins Texas despite being a 10-point underdog]
(jaws are agape in the studio)
Me: Well, I saw it coming because Texans are simple god-fearing folks, with honest down home values. They also don't want anyone messing with them and I feel Obama's campaign messed with them far less than the Clinton campaign. Oh yeah, they're also suckers for cowboy hats.
(I pull out the following picture)

[end scene]

How about those chops CNN? And I swear that if I see this dialogue on March 4th you are so sued.

Which now leads me to announce up the official White Boys Can Dance democratic presidential nominee endorsement. Actually I'm going to let John Cutter handle it.

Always bet on black.

That's right white devils, Barack Hussein Obama. And yes, the timing of this announcement was intentional and is sure to shake this race to it's core. But let me get serious here for a second. Democrats, gather around and take a knee or sit Native American-style, your choice. Why are you voting for Hillary? ... Really? That's wonderful. Now shut up for a second and think about this little nugget. She's too polarizing of a candidate. If she's the nominee people will come out and vote republican just because they hate her. Hell, one of the republican pundits said last night they would much rather run against Hillary because of how most of the country feels about her. I'm telling you right now she will not win if she's the candidate.

Now why am I endorsing Obama? Here's my simple three-part answer.

1. Well despite what I just said about ignoring the issues when it came to Hillary, Barack and I share more common views on the issues than any of the other candidates.

2. Have you watched any of his speeches? I caught his speech after losing the New Hampshire primary and it honestly gave me chills. Despite it being a concession speech, he read that thing with the fire and conviction as if he won the damn thing.

3. He's got Stevie. Not just the tunes, but the man himself.

I know that isn't a very strong argument, but getting deeper into the nuances of my selection would be far more tedious and therefore boring. And that's not my style, my style is questioning my sexuality for humor's sake, making Simpsons references, and calling people retards. Hell, look at yesterdays post that promoted voting, or was it promoting vaginas? In reality it was promoting both, which is of course the American Dream.

But seriously, vote. And also seriously, I did almost get sideswiped and die.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

V is for..., you sick bastards. It's Super Tuesday so if your state is holding a primary then get your ass out and vote. That is all.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Boy, those Germans have a word for everything

Unlike the rest of New England I'm not suicidal, depressed, or even shocked that the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. The simple truth is that the Giants played less shittily and deserved to win. There were some questionable calls early, but the Pats still had three opportunities during the Giants final drive to put the game away. They didn't, so better luck next year. Now everyone needs to shut the fuck up.

I'm not saying this because my team lost. As you can see above I'm mildly affected, if at all. In fact I had a pretty sweet weekend (including last night's festivities). I'm just sick of hearing all the back and forth over the Patriots. There are three camps that contribute to my rage.

1. Pats fans
At this point I literally hate 96% of you. I've said this before, but just because the team you are rooting for is doing well doesn't give you any additional pull or rank in the world of fandom. Quit being such douchenozzles brah.

2. Pats haters
You are equally if not more annoying than Pats fans. 95% of the shit you talk is about how annoying and insufferable Pats fans are, which somehow isn't annoying or insufferable. Thanks for bringing something new to the conversation. Wait, we're racist too? Zing! Please get some new material for next season. Thanks.

3. Media
Week 1-3: Spy(irrelevant suffix)! The Pats are cheaters!
Week 4-playoffs: 18-0 The Pats are the greatest team ever!
Super Bowl: Giants Win??! Biggest upset of all time!
Let's give Mercury Morris some more face time!

You fuckers.

4. Red Sox fans
You really don't need to start a Yankees Suck chant at little Jimmy's birthday party because one of the 7 year-old kids wore a Yankees hat. It's tired and just sad at this point.

That's all the rage I could fit into a poorly thought out/poorly written post today.

Congratulations again Giants, you earned it.

And if there's a primary in your state tomorrow go vote. I'll definitely have something to say about that shit because it's getting serious.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Oh shit! I forgot...

How embarrassing! A year ago yesterday, terrorists guerrilla marketers placed bombs Lite-Brites featuring the Mooninite characters from the popular cult television program Aqua Teen Hunger Force all over the city of Boston. In a very well thought out plan that was obviously not an overreaction to the colorful but unknown threats, the city shut down bridges and major roadways grinding the traffic in the city to a halt for hours. That was a fun day.

The same guerrilla marketing campaign took place in nine additional major cities, yet Boston was the only one to overreact and thus ended up looking like quite the fool. As expected the city was a little upset that it looked like a chump and naturally decided to sue Turner Broadcasting. Turner settled and all is well. All this over a movie that unfortunately sucked.

Now unlike most residents, I easily understand why everyone hates us. Let's go over my quick checklist:

Awful accent ...pissah
Asshole drivers ...oh yeah
Douchebag sports fans ...check
Cocky and arrogant betcha
Perceived intelligence ...indubitably
Racists ...a stereotype that just won't die

In Boston we love to use the nickname The Hub of the Universe, yet we get all freaked out over some Lite-Brites hanging around our city. Enjoy the next couple days Boston-haters. If the Pats win, we'll all (including me) have to suffer the 19-0 douchebaggery that is sure to follow.