Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Come fly the really friendly skies

I wrote this post on my Blackberry while flying home from Chicago last Friday night. I had a few drinks in me and have decided to leave it exactly as I wrote it. You probably won't be able to tell the difference between this and my normal writing because I'm either a really good writer when I drink, or a really bad writer when I'm sober. I'd wager on the latter. Enjoy my semi-inebriated train(wreck) of thoughts.

While waiting on the tarmac for takeoff this evening I've realized that I want to be a flight attendant. It seems to be a really easy/low pressure job. Fly your ass around the country/world, hang out with hot chicks (not so much anymore, I think some of the first flight attendants are still on the job), give orders to the passengers or they go to jail, and serve beverages. Shit, you don't even need to mix drinks for the passenger anymore. I ordered a gin and tonic and the guy gave me a cup of tonic water and a nip. I bet the pay sucks and there's the inherent risk of terrorism, but where isn't there an inherent risk of terrorism nowadays? And you probably get a pretty sweet discount.

But there's one small problem, I'm not gay. Of all the flights I've taken this year, none of the male flight attendants have been straight. My appearance is gay enough as it is, this would be one step closer to convincing the unsure that I enjoy meat popsicles. Oh shit, the flight attendant gave me the the drink for free, I would assume that gays have really excellent gaydar. Maybe there's no hope for me yet.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Profanity...fuck yeah!

From AFP:

Regular swearing at work can help boost team spirit among staff, allowing them to express better their feelings as well as develop social relationships, according to a study by researchers.

Yehuda Baruch, a professor of management at the University of East Anglia, and graduate Stuart Jenkins studied the use of profanity in the workplace and assessed its implications for managers.

They assessed that swearing would become more common as traditional taboos are broken down, but the key appeared to be knowing when such language was appropriate and when to turn to blind eye.

The pair said swearing in front of senior staff or customers should be seriously discouraged or banned, but in other circumstances it helped foster solidarity among employees and express frustration, stress or other feelings.

"Employees use swearing on a continuous basis, but not necessarily in a negative, abusive manner," said Baruch, who works in the university's business school in Norwich.

Banning swear words and reprimanding staff might represent strong leadership, but could remove key links between staff and impact on morale and motivation, he said.

"We hope that this study will serve not only to acknowledge the part that swearing plays in our work and our lives, but also to indicate that leaders sometimes need to 'think differently' and be open to intriguing ideas.

"Managers need to understand how their staff feel about swearing. The challenge is to master the 'art' of knowing when to turn a blind eye to communication that does not meet their own standards."

The study, "Swearing at work and permissive leadership culture: when anti-social becomes social and incivility is acceptable", is published in the latest issue of the Leadership and Organisational Development Journal.

I love using profanity. Let me further clarify that remark.

I motherfucking love swearing.

Get the point?

I have never really understood the taboo of using profane language. Why are certain words considered obscene? They are just words. It annoys the shit out of me like adults who can't say penis and vagina without cracking up. Seriously, if you have some insight please post it in the comments (and I saw the South Park episode about curse words; as entertaining as that episode was, I don't think that was legit).

I don't use profanity to be shocking or obscene, they are just handy-dandy words that help get my point across as accurately as possible. Here's a scenario: my flight tomorrow gets delayed 6 or so hours. Which do you think conveys my emotion better?

A. I'm really mad.

B. I'm fucking pissed.

See what I mean. I didn't use fuck like Larry Flynt would, I used it like Bono, so it's ok because he's practically the Irish Jesus.

Despite my love of using profanity, I know there is a time and place, as this article suggests. I don't swear in front of children, people I don't know, or people that I know will be offended. As much of an asshole I am on this blog, I am actually a very respectful person (except to old people, I wish they would all just die) (except old people who swear, they can hang with me any time they want). You could also argue that by swearing on this blog I am not being respectful of people I don't know. Well la-de-fucking-da. Swearing on the internet is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark.

And I can fully agree with this study as I actually manage people. I know, scary huh? Swearing makes it easier to relate to my underlings employees, as it lowers me to their level. I'm pretty intimidating with my high-powered position, $50 haircut, and shiny shoes, so when I speak to them like a sailor it gets them thinking "Wow, Jon called that woman a twat because she is acting like a twat. I can relate to him and will do whatever he asks without objection." Sweet deal.

Now I need to wrap this shit up before this building gets struck by lightning and my my ass bursts into flames.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

U Can't Touch This

I know I've been lacking in posts the last week or so, but work has gotten in the way, which also explains why I'm writing this in Chicago.

Two things to add to my last post critiquing the Chicagoland area:

The accent around here is beyond awful. I know the Boston accent is retahded (hence why I dropped it), but I want to start throwing haymakers. And the worst part of that statement is that I notice it mostly coming from women. I don't want to Ike Turner anyone, so I'm going to try to deal for a couple more days.

However, the Central Time Zone is awesome. I'm quite disappointed in the result of games 3 and 4 of the ALCS, but at least I was able to watch them an hour earlier than I'm used to (well, kind of).

So what does Chicago have to do with the title? Nothing, so keep reading jackass.

I don't remember how, but at some point this week I came across MC Hammer's blog. No bullshit, MC "banana hammock" himself. Why am I bringing this up? First, because MC Hammer is awesome, despite the stupid wardrobe back in the day. Second, because MC Hammer seems to post all the time on his blog. I on the other hand don't post that often.

My posting schedule is as follows: I post when I have the time to write something worthy of other people spending a few minutes of their precious time to hopefully enjoy. So what does that mean?

I am more important than MC Hammer.

Now I just need someone to animate a show about me saving the day by wearing magical dancing shoes.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Battle for second place

Today is Leif Ericson Day. Did you know that? Probably not, because like most other ignorant Americans you don't care. You probably still believe that Christoper Columbus discovered America in 1492. Hell, Chris Berman said last night on Monday Night Football that Columbus discovered America in a Lexus. Corporate shilling aside, and for the purposes of this post, I'll take his "discovered America" statement as the stance of the common American.

And in case you couldn't tell where I was going, Leif Ericson is the earliest recorded European to visit North America. In fact he beat Columbus by almost 500 years. So why doesn't he get a cushy Monday holiday like Chrissyboy? Racism.

Just kidding. They're both European, and we all know that all Europeans love each other. Just look what that Hitler fellow tried to do. That's right, unite all of Europe into a single strong nation. Shit, and he was on to something, just look at the way the Euro is blitzkrieging our dollar.

Neither is making Hitler jokes. I'm so ashamed.

Offensive Hitler jokes aside, to determine once and for all what is the second most important holiday in Rocktober, I've decided to hold a White Boys Can Dance stupid idea dance-off between Italian stereotypes (Columbus) and Viking stereotypes (Ericson).

Oh Snap! (strengths)
  • Clothes - furry vests and boots
  • Head - horned helmets
  • Transportation - longboats
  • Intangibles - pillaging

Weak Shit (weaknesses)
  • Media - Capital One commercials
  • Intangibles - raping

Oh Snap!
  • Media - The Godfather part II
  • Intangibles - the women (well the non-stereotypical ones)

Weak Shit
  • Clothes - Armani, tracksuits, gold chains
  • Head - greasy slicked back hair
  • Transportation - IROC's
  • Intangibles - the Jersey shore

That wasn't even a close one. I don't know if Vikings even know how to dance, but if you've ever been to a nightclub you know that Guidos don't. Leif Ericson Day is now officially the second most important holiday in Rocktober. Go forth and celebrate!

And I didn't write this post because I'm still a little pissed that I had to work yesterday, it was to denounce injustice and promote fairness.

Well... maybe a little from column A.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

If you can't read this then please don't sue me

From Reuters:

A federal judge in California certified a class action lawsuit against Target Corp brought by plaintiffs claiming the discount retailer's Web site is inaccessible to the blind, according to court documents.

Judge Marilyn Patel of the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of California also rejected Target's motion for summary judgment in the case, according to the ruling filed October 2.

According to the ruling, plaintiffs -- including the National Federation of the Blind -- claim violates federal and state laws prohibiting discrimination against the disabled.

"This is a tremendous step forward for blind people throughout the country who for too long have been denied equal access to the Internet economy," Marc Maurer, president of the National Federation for the Blind, said in a statement.

"All e-commerce businesses should take note of this decision and immediately take steps to open their doors to the blind," Maurer said.

Dear vision-impaired friends,

This is in small type because I don't want the dog-followers coming after me.

In order to comply with your

What are blind people doing on the internet?

basic needs, I have decided

Last time I checked you needed to be able to see to use the internet.

to make all of my posts going

Especially since 90% of the traffic is for adult websites.

forward as easy to read

Did they develop some sort of braille monitor,

as this technology allows.

or robot voice that describes the hardcore action?

You guys and gals are the best.

Because I want one.


[edit: turns out they hate the environment too]

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Are you ready to rock!?

Now that Zeptember has passed, we come to my favorite month of the year: Rocktober. And to kick it off it's new music Tuesday here in the states and the new album by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street band is being released (actually it was already released on vinyl, but that's neither here nor there). I've heard the new single Radio Nowhere a bunch recently and have found myself mostly indifferent toward it, it's not great, but it doesn't suck. The only reason that I'm mentioning it is because based on hearing this song, I have come to the conclusion that Bruce Springsteen has finally run out of ideas.

Let's jump into my Delorean and take a quick trip back to the year nineteen hundred and eighty-two. The former president of SAG was keeping busy sticking it to the common man, "The Great White Hope" reaffirmed that there is no master race, my age was still being counted in months, and a little ditty called 867-5309/Jenny was climbing the charts. Peaking at #4 on Billboard's Hot 100, Tommy Tutone managed to piss of a lot of people around the country who had the now infamous digits. I was not one of those people because depending on when it reached #4 in 1982, I most likely wasn't talking yet and even if I was I wouldn't have the cognitive skills to have a telephone conversation (and in case you don't have any cognitive skills, I was a baby in '82). Well in the years since I have grown fond of 867-5309/Jenny; it was the first song I ever remember I willingly performed during a karaoke night, and I have met a few Jenny's while seeing it played by decent cover bands. But I think the reason that I like it so much is it's just so damn catchy.

Well low and behold last month I hear on the local classic rock station that they are about to play the new Bruce Springsteen single. All of a sudden I hear this Jennyesque riff coming out of my speakers. What the fuck Bruce? You just got bagged for ripping off Tommy Tutone. Tommy freakin' Tutone!? Can anyone out there name another Tommy Tutone song off the top of their heads? Unless you were in Tommy Tutone or are directly related to any of the members you cannot, don't even lie to me. And Bruce, if you were going to rip off Tommy Tutone, you shouldn't have picked the only song that everyone knows, you should have picked any of the other couple dozen(?) or so songs that they put out. That's just bush league, I wouldn't even be a little surprised if there's a song on the new album that sounds like Eye of the Tiger.

And since were still back in '82 I've asked famed movie character Clubber Lang for his prediction on a possible fight between the E Street Band and Tommy Tutone, Clubber...?

And I'll see what I can do about getting some mp3's up so you can hear for yourself.