She Works Hard for Equality

Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money" isn't actually about working hard for the money as it is a social commentary on the state of race relations in the United States of America. Or so that's what I thought while bowling on Sunday. And yes, I was drinking.

Upon re-watching the video this morning I realized I had to tweak my initial assessment. But I didn't want to change my opening statement because it's probably the most intelligent sounding thing I've ever written. Let's discuss.

First the video:

Now the breakdown:

Intro
-Fade in to an hazy image of a woman dancing
-Cut to alarm clock and our protagonist waking up

Racism Meter: low


Chorus 1
-Various scenes of protagonist heading to work interacting with white people
-Cuts of Donna Summer singing chorus
-Protagonist starts scrubbing floor in a hallway

Racism Meter: a little racist


Verse 1
-Protagonist opens diner for business
-Donna Summer sings some more at the diner, no wait staff to be found
-Protagonist walks by counter only to have white man strike her buttocks, she gives a half-hearted smile

Racism Meter: a little more racist


Chorus 2
-Protagonist shown sewing at what can only be described as a Nike factory
-Donna Summer shown singing by punch clock, protagonist can't bear to look at her
-Protagonist shown walking home with groceries inter-cut with shots of Donna Summer
-Children are shown playing catch on front lawn

Racism Meter: still racist


Verse 2
-Protagonist watches Donna Summer sing through barred windows quite racistly
-Protagonist makes dinner for rotten kids who are fighting at the dinner table
-Protagonist goes into bedroom, feels up picture of a dancer (possible lesbian tendencies?)
-Rotten kids still fighting

Racism Meter: pretty racist, and somewhat negligent


Chorus 3
-Montage of protagonists likely typical day, pretty terrible

Racism Meter: not much racism here


Verse 3
-Protagonist falls to ground, Donna Summer assists protagonist to feet
-Protagonist gets into the back-off stance and backs away
-Some sort of choreographed sewing is going on
-Protagonist returns to home that has been robbed, drops her shit, assumingly loses mind
-Donna Summer tries to forcibly enter house?

Racism Meter: very racist


Guitar Solo
-Dream sequence where protagonist is dancing in street with a multicultural ensemble
-There may or may not have been some jazz hands involved

Racism Meter: far less racist


Chorus 4
-Donna Summer singing on balcony above the dance production that's taking place in the street below
-Protagonist walks away clearly disgusted after realizing that "urbanites" have joined in her good times

Racism Meter: confirmed racist


And the conclusion:

I guess my initial assessment was pretty astute, even after enjoying a few adult beverages. I hope this makes you think a little bit today. And I know I learned a lesson. What the lesson is, I'm not exactly sure. But I think it involves not being a racist.

Year in (P)review

2007 is closing out so everyone and their perverted uncle are coming out with year-end lists. Since I have no will of my own I'm going to jump on that bandwagon and notch another easy post to my 2007 total. I could list my top 10 favorite albums/movies/celebrity fuck-ups/etc... but that's not how I operate. I've decided to post my top 10 ideas that I never got around to writing. Actually there are plenty more, but I can't reveal my whole hand yet. I will post some of these eventually so you can also consider this a preview of things to come. They'll go from least likely to ever get written to something I've probably already started. Let's begin, shall we?

10. Why are retards always smiling?
Seriously, why?

9. Liveblogging the 14+ minute version of Rapper's Delight
Actual excerpt "12:21 - just realized that song is still going"

8. An objective assessment of the robbery that took place at my apartment three weeks ago
I got robbed in October, not three weeks ago. And it wasn't coming together like I wanted.

7. Three reasons why Jaws 3 is the third best Jaws movie ever
I could only think of two reasons.

6. Music that I can't even sell back to the record store
I own many albums that I'm too embarrassed to sell back. Limp Bizkit anyone? Yeah, my taste in music was pretty bad in high school.

5. Blogging on Absinthe
It's legal in Boston, I just haven't gone to the liquor store and bought any yet.

4. Top 10 bands I could die happily without ever hearing again
A top 10 list in another top 10 list! Does that blow your mind?

3. "We Are Family"
I can't tell you anymore right now. My sister came up with the idea, and it must be written.

2. Zombies!
I just didn't have time in October.

1. 1970's porno music, is there anything it can't do?
I'm still doing the research. Seriously.

So that's it for this year. Have a boozetacular New Year's Eve, like this guy obviously did.

The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's A Wrap

Last Tuesday Robert Goulet passed away at the age of 73. What the fuck Devil's Night!?! Why are you so insistent on messing with my enjoyment of Halloween this decade? Hands down, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Better than Chinese New Year, better than Evacuation Day, even better than Leif Ericson Day. So then why the past couple of years have two of my favorite entertainers died the day before? In 2002 Jam Master Jay was shot and killed and now Robert Goulet died while awaiting a lung transplant. I didn't realize this until I was reading the article about his death, but I got to see him perform live ...sort of.

I went to opening day at Fenway this year. Naturally before the game, my friends and I did a little pre-gaming (getting shitfaced at 10 in the morning). Somehow we were able to actually get to Fenway and managed to get to our seats during the opening ceremonies. I heard the PA announcer mention Robert Goulet and then heard him singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame or God Bless America, or something of that nature. I didn't see him on the field so I just assumed that they were playing a recording of him singing; this made sense at the time because I was so hammered. Now when I read the article about his death I saw this photo of Goulet crooning something out at opening day this past season:

So I got to experience Goulet live, but who really cares? I do, and you should too. Goulet was a badass, and not just because of Will Ferrell's over the top impersonation of him on SNL that everyone and their 96-year old grandmother has seen. For one, he had a sweet moustache, which conveniently leads into part two of my list of greatest moustaches of all time. [part 1 here]

Robert Goulet

Goulet didn't sport a moustache early in his career, but I wasn't alive then, so I consider that fact irrelevant. And all of my Goulet memories come from his mustachioed period, so he fits on this list like Isotoners fit on OJ. Speaking of OJ, he co-stared with one Mr. Robert Goulet in The Naked Gun 2½. That movie was pretty funny.

Jake Plummer

Recent Career: Quarterback for the Denver Broncos. Probably even more recent career: drive-thru playmaker at White Castle. But from the looks of that 'stache, he looks to be working on some adult film set somewhere in Southern California (the part that wasn't torched by that little kid; but he was a good kid!). And speaking of porno moustaches...

Ron Jeremy

Everyone in the world knows who Ron Jeremy is. Not everyone knows why he's famous though. If you are one of those people then today isn't your lucky day. I don't really feel like talking about Mr. Jeremy's "talent", so you can investigate on your own time. In the meantime, check out that moustache, pretty classy huh?

Chewbacca

I wanted to include Mutley in my last list but I didn't because I couldn't tell if he had a moustache. Well I didn't have the same problem with Chewbacca. Check out his upper lip. Despite him being completely covered in hair, there is a distinct color difference in the hair where a moustache should be. That's good enough for me. And don't ask me where this picture came from, I don't really know. I just assume that it's a from a deleted scene in Empire Strikes Back. I mean they had that incest angle going on, why not bestiality too? Han Solo must have been pissed.

All-4-One

For those that can't remember, All-4-One is an R&B group who won a Grammy in the mid-90's for some awful song that I can't remember. And yet I remember them having some interesting moustaches in the video of said song I can't remember. I couldn't find a picture of those guys with moustaches, but I found the above picture which was named all-4-one.jpg which appears to be a bunch of assholes holding hands during a polygamous civil union ceremony in a bank or Realtors office. I see that they don't have moustaches, but the picture was too good not to share.

These two kids

I can't tell if those are fake moustaches or if those kids are Hispanic, but they are rocking some pretty serious facial hair. They could also be midgets, but I can't see any of their extremities. Your guess is as good as mine.

My name is Guy Incognito

Friday night I attended the Samuel Adams OctoberFest [sic] at the awesome Smith and Wollensky Boston. Probably due to the classy-ass location, all and all it was mostly a ho hum affair. I've been to a few Oktoberfest celebrations in my day and sadly this one was the least fun. I had more fun crashing my car while driving home from Newport's Oktoberfest two years back (weather fueled, not alcohol). Despite the utter lack of excitement, there was one shining beacon of entertainment: fistfights breaking out between Sox and Yankee fans.

...actually, that didn't happen at this event, just every other place in Boston serving alcohol this weekend. However we were treated to watching Jim Koch, the founder/owner/whatever of Sam Adams wander around hammered. He was supposed to give a toast at 6, but didn't find his way to the stage until about 7. And when he was done he was swarmed by beer nerds, the guys with the Hawaiian shirts that have bottles of beer instead of flowers or shit like that on them. I just wanted to mention that because I hate them.

So at some point while watching Jim lean on something/somebody to keep his balance, my friend Ryan asks the brilliant question, "Do you think when Jim Koch goes to bars he tries to order beers that aren't Sam Adams?" We discuss this for several minutes and come to the conclusion that he will order other beers when he's out, but only if he has a sweet Peyton Manning moustache on so nobody will recognize him.

Which naturally leads me to want to talk about the greatest moustaches of all time (in no particular order).

Dick Dastardly

Classic. Elegant. Foreshadowing. You could always tell he was formulating some sort of diabolical scheme to Belichick cheat his way to victory in the Wacky Races by working that sweet musketeer 'stache. Too bad those schemes always backfired. I also wanted to include Muttley, but he doesn't have visible whiskers, I would have let that slide. Did you know Muttley's birthday is April 16? Me neither.

The b-boy of unknown ethnic origin in Breakin'

The kid with the Demolition Man beret, not the kid with the Pink Floyd hat and big red circle with a line through it over his face. Upon multiple viewings (yeah, I own the DVD, you wanna fight about it?), I still cannot tell what the hell this kid is. Mexican? Native American? Filipino? Eskimo? Like figuring out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know. But I do know that he has a badass moustache.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude/Billy Mays

I heard a rumor a couple years back that The Ravishing One had died from AIDS or some other shit like that. Then all of a sudden this Billy Mays fellow arrives on the infomercial scene hocking all kinds of cleaning products. Coincidence? I think not. I think this "Billy Mays" guy selling cleaning products is some kind metaphor for cleaning his conscience from the years of dolling out Rude Awakenings. Either way, he/they had/has a killer 'stache.

Ambrose E. Burnside

The "George Washington Carver" of sideburns himself. He gets the nod not for inventing 'burns, but for being the first to link them to the all important moustache. His Civil War battle record may be spotty, but his facial hair record is flawless.

"Luigi"

When you think of a mustachioed plumber who eats mushrooms and saves princesses from giant turtles, you either think of Mario or some homeless guy who tells you of his amazing adventures all while trying to get some spare change to buy another a handle of liquid intolerance. I think of "Luigi". And not necessarily the Luigi that's pictured above. Every Luigi I can think of has a moustache, so the name's synonymous. I just picked this one because he's also making the universal sign of a fake moustache. That's two for the price of none!

This Guy

If I was walking down a dark alley and this guy was walking toward me from the other end, I'd probably drop into the fetal position like a bear was coming at me. At least that's what I think you're supposed to do when a bear is coming at you. Wait, aren't you supposed to make yourself all big and menacing to show the bear who's the real boss, Danza style? Maybe you're supposed to go fetal when a tiger attacks. I haven't been attacked by either and I don't work for Zoobooks, so I don't really know. Anyways, if you want to know the badassitude (badass magnitude) that this guy's moustache is, here's a little fact to wet your whistle.

Fact: Chuck Norris is only afraid of two things: tadpoles and that guy's moustache.

That's it for now but there will definitely be a continuation of this post, I've already got about a dozen more 'staches lined up. Also, I would still like to hear of any moustaches that you feel should be included in the comments.

Booze Cruising 101

I went on a booze cruise recently for a friend's birthday and learned some very important lessons. Being the generous soul that I am, I've decided to write a primer for any potential booze cruisers out there with this being the prime booze cruising season. I originally planned on writing this the next morning, but I was too hungover to be a functioning member of society. Shit, I barely got to work in one piece. On with the tips.

1. Be on the list
I don't know anyone who's ever out of the blue decided to go on a booze cruise. Make the call and save yourself a couple bucks so you can spend more on alcohol.

Me - "Hey friend, what do you feel like doing this evening?"

Friend - "I don't know Jon. How about we go on a booze cruise?"

That has never happened.

2. Dress appropriately
Ladies, as much as I like you dressing like you're going to the finest club in town, in actuality you're drinking on a third-rate tour boat that probably hasn't been seaworthy for the better part of a decade. It's kind of like if your Catholic school was having a parents career day and your mom was a hooker. Not at all appropriate for the situation.

Way to stay classy Boston (note the plastic bench on the right).

3. Be on the deck during sunset
The real party doesn't get going until everyone gets a few drinks in them, so why not enjoy all the splendors of nature while getting drunk primed to dance?

Beautiful ...beer me Skipper!

4. Buy drinks two at a time, if not more
Once this thing gets going you'll be waiting in long lines to get a drink. Why not put some time between waiting in line and grab at least two drinks, which you probably do anyway if your a hardcore alki. Bonus tip: Seek out alternate bars on the boat. There was a second bar below deck and there was never a line, which still didn't stop me from grabbing two drinks at a time. And I don't have a drinking problem, I'm just devoted to spending the least amount of time in lines as possible as I'm ridiculously impatient. See, not an alcoholic.

5. Dance carefully
The best moment of the night wasn't the booty shaking contest, that was actually quite sad on so many levels, despite the birthday girl taking the win. It was when a couple of drunk girls decided to get the party started by trying to get people to start dancing. Before that it was kind of like a middle school dance with everyone standing around the dance floor, but not like a middle school dance because the boys and girls weren't on the opposite side of the boat. Anyway, how did they try? By dancing of course! However they did not notice in all their drunkenness that the boat was starting to hit choppy waters. To explain what happened next, I've come up with a simple equation that demonstrates this: drunk girls + high heels + choppy water = hilarious results. I'm not kidding when I tell you that one of them almost went overboard not once, but twice, and she was in the middle of the dance floor about 20 feet away from the side.

6. Don't/Can't dance? No problem!
There are a ton of other things to do on a booze cruise: watch drunk girls almost go overboard while attempting to dance, hang out on the deck, um... hang out below deck. That's about it. Have fun!