Friday, September 21, 2007

The Wrong Stuff

Last night I was checking one of the 75 e-mail accounts I have and don't check regularly and saw that I had an e-mail from PayPal. The subject of said e-mail was Your payment has been refunded. I didn't remember paying for anything recently so I of course had to open it up. It turns out that my $7.94 was being refunded for a New Kids on the Block t-shirt I had won on eBay a month back. The sellers message about the refund was as follows:

Enclosed is a full refund for the New Kids on the Block shirt you purchased on Ebay. The shirt had already sold out so was no longer available. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience this has caused you. Thank you.

Most people would accept this apology and move on, especially over a 99-cent shirt (shipping was extra) featuring Boston's favorite sons New Kids on the Block. I am not most people. Here is the response that I sent to the seller:

Dear son of a bitch,

How dare you cancel my order for one medium New Kids on the Block t-shirt in unworn condition? I purchased that t-shirt as a gift for the child I sponsor in Africa. Undoubtedly you've seen the commercials with the sickly looking kids covered in flies and living in what looks like a garbage dump. Well I got me one of them. Now little Njanu will have to continue to hobble (due to malnutrition) around Africa nude, which I've learned from the Conservative Christians is shameful and makes the baby Jesus cry. I hope you can live with yourself.

Respectfully,
Jon

When I got to work this morning I saw that the eBay seller had responded:

Dear Jon,

I again would like to extend my sincerest apologies for the mix up. I unfortunately cannot send you the item that was listed because it had been previously sold. Due to the special circumstances in it's place I could send you a Bryan Adams t-shirt, at no charge. Please let me know.

eBay seller

Bryan Adams!? The Canadian Johnny Cougar? I would not let this stand.

Dear asshole,

A Bryan Adams t-shirt!? Are you trying to be some kind of smart ass? How tough can Njanu look in a Bryan Adams t-shirt. I'm trying to get this kid action from some of those topless African women you see in National Geographic, not some hockey loving, mullet sporting Canadian. I am both insulted and ashamed for you. Please do not respond and prepare to receive negative feedback. I wish nothing but engine troubles and multi-car crashes on your favorite Nascar driver next season.

Sincerely,
Jon

So why the big fuss over a New Kids on the Block t-shirt? Maybe this little picture will answer your question:


Way hetero

How awesome would I look in that? Oh yeah, time to come clean. I don't sponsor any kids in Africa. In fact, I immediately change the channel when one of those commercials comes on because those kids are gross looking.


G-A-Y

2 comments:

Tequila Mockingbird said...

that is a sweet shirt. i had a NKOTB lunchbox in 1st grade, and you can bet your Boston ass i pimped it out! love your correspondance though, very similar to correspondance i've had.

also, linked you on my blog, which means you legitimately rock now.

Colonel Colonel said...

Oh gawd... NKOTB. Back in the summer of 1990 I was a volunteer on the Evelyn Murphy for Guv'nor campaign, and our headquarters were between South Station and Downtown Crossing. Each day we'd walk over to DC for lunch. One day the place was mobbed. I don't mean full, I mean wall-to-wall sardine packed. It took fifteen minutes to inch our way along the side of a building to get through. Halfway through we looked up on top of the Filene's Marquee (or some building's marquee) and there were the New Kids, playing a set.