Holiday Greetings

...from smut peddlers and T.O.

One of these things is not like the others

Baseball, priorities, monsters, redemption, bigotry, and inspiration

Yesterday was opening day at Fenway Park. I didn't make it this year. And that wasn't necessarily a bad thing because I probably couldn't take all the alcohol-fueled mayhem excitement that was sure to take place because I've been sick. Boo hoo. In a pre-game ceremony that surely annoyed all Boston-hating individuals, the World Series rings were given out to much fanfare and wicked awesome self-congratulations, guy. However the most important news item of the day was who was the surprise guest that was earmarked to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. Seriously, it was embarrassing. Some kids got burned alive in a 3-story house fire in Medford. Who gives a shit? It's opening day at Fenway! It was on the morning news. It was on the radio. It was on the internet. People at work were talking about it. Blah, blah, blah. And of course the Red Sox ownership would only stoke the fire by saying it was a Red Sox legend. Red Sox legend? It seems everyone who's every played for the team is a Red Sox legend. When he retires, Trot Nixon will be a Red Sox legend. No help there, and I still wasn't impressed. Now if the Red Sox brass figured out how to reanimate Ted Williams after reattaching his frozen head to his frozen body into some sort of Frankensteinean creation and have that throw out the first pitch, then I would be impressed.

Nope.

It turned out to be Bill Buckner.

Sweet, sweet redemption!

Not so fast Jon. When talking to one of my co-workers about it she seemed annoyed that he threw out the pitch. Deeper into the conversation it was revealed that she still holds a grudge against him for his error in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. That's 21 years. That's also sad. Granted, she's still also pissed about the Patriots losing to the Giants in the Superbowl. I think she holds grudges. I'm making a mental note to never piss her off.

I was five when Buckner made that error. It didn't really affect me at the time because I was more interested in playing with Transformers and being scared of the Incredible Hulk. I was also scared of the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz. I also hated Broccoli. Maybe I just had a problem with the color Green? Youthful color-bigotry aside, even when I grew up I never had a problem with Bill Buckner. The guy made an error, he's human. Admittedly, that was a pretty fuckin' huge error, but I don't want to judge because I too have made mistakes. None that involved missing a routine ground ball that could have clinched a World Series victory ended the Mets' 10th inning rally, but now I'm just splitting hairs.

And it turns out the Metropolitans were destined to win the series in '86. That's right. How do I know? Maybe this little video will bring things into perspective for you like it did for me.

We never even stood a chance. They had a cameo from Cameo. That just isn't fair. I'm surprised the universe didn't collapse in on itself just from that. If Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, Osiris, Zeus, Jewish guy, and other religious deities had a baseball team and were facing the Mets in the World Series, they would also lose in a heartbreaking fashion. It's just a fact.

And I miss this. When did sports teams become too cool for school to make the cheesy inspirational video?

Jerks.

Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing?

Today is April Fools' Day. Everyone on the internet is trying to be clever even more so than normal. I've decided to buck the trend and post a picture of a baby with three arms. Enjoy.