The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's A Wrap

Last Tuesday Robert Goulet passed away at the age of 73. What the fuck Devil's Night!?! Why are you so insistent on messing with my enjoyment of Halloween this decade? Hands down, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Better than Chinese New Year, better than Evacuation Day, even better than Leif Ericson Day. So then why the past couple of years have two of my favorite entertainers died the day before? In 2002 Jam Master Jay was shot and killed and now Robert Goulet died while awaiting a lung transplant. I didn't realize this until I was reading the article about his death, but I got to see him perform live ...sort of.

I went to opening day at Fenway this year. Naturally before the game, my friends and I did a little pre-gaming (getting shitfaced at 10 in the morning). Somehow we were able to actually get to Fenway and managed to get to our seats during the opening ceremonies. I heard the PA announcer mention Robert Goulet and then heard him singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame or God Bless America, or something of that nature. I didn't see him on the field so I just assumed that they were playing a recording of him singing; this made sense at the time because I was so hammered. Now when I read the article about his death I saw this photo of Goulet crooning something out at opening day this past season:

So I got to experience Goulet live, but who really cares? I do, and you should too. Goulet was a badass, and not just because of Will Ferrell's over the top impersonation of him on SNL that everyone and their 96-year old grandmother has seen. For one, he had a sweet moustache, which conveniently leads into part two of my list of greatest moustaches of all time. [part 1 here]

Robert Goulet

Goulet didn't sport a moustache early in his career, but I wasn't alive then, so I consider that fact irrelevant. And all of my Goulet memories come from his mustachioed period, so he fits on this list like Isotoners fit on OJ. Speaking of OJ, he co-stared with one Mr. Robert Goulet in The Naked Gun 2½. That movie was pretty funny.

Jake Plummer

Recent Career: Quarterback for the Denver Broncos. Probably even more recent career: drive-thru playmaker at White Castle. But from the looks of that 'stache, he looks to be working on some adult film set somewhere in Southern California (the part that wasn't torched by that little kid; but he was a good kid!). And speaking of porno moustaches...

Ron Jeremy

Everyone in the world knows who Ron Jeremy is. Not everyone knows why he's famous though. If you are one of those people then today isn't your lucky day. I don't really feel like talking about Mr. Jeremy's "talent", so you can investigate on your own time. In the meantime, check out that moustache, pretty classy huh?

Chewbacca

I wanted to include Mutley in my last list but I didn't because I couldn't tell if he had a moustache. Well I didn't have the same problem with Chewbacca. Check out his upper lip. Despite him being completely covered in hair, there is a distinct color difference in the hair where a moustache should be. That's good enough for me. And don't ask me where this picture came from, I don't really know. I just assume that it's a from a deleted scene in Empire Strikes Back. I mean they had that incest angle going on, why not bestiality too? Han Solo must have been pissed.

All-4-One

For those that can't remember, All-4-One is an R&B group who won a Grammy in the mid-90's for some awful song that I can't remember. And yet I remember them having some interesting moustaches in the video of said song I can't remember. I couldn't find a picture of those guys with moustaches, but I found the above picture which was named all-4-one.jpg which appears to be a bunch of assholes holding hands during a polygamous civil union ceremony in a bank or Realtors office. I see that they don't have moustaches, but the picture was too good not to share.

These two kids

I can't tell if those are fake moustaches or if those kids are Hispanic, but they are rocking some pretty serious facial hair. They could also be midgets, but I can't see any of their extremities. Your guess is as good as mine.