I'm back

I know I've been silent for awhile now, but when you do all of your writing at work, then don't have time anymore, your writing suffers. And to be honest, nothing has really motivated me to even try. Two bachelor parties? Nope. A trip to Las Vegas? Nope. Gay marriage becoming legal in California. Nope. Not even Barack Obama winning the Democratic nomination. Did I watch every second of his victory speech? You better believe it. Did it inspire me? No doubt. Inspire me to write? Not so much. Since it's Friday, and I finally have more than 5 minutes to goof around, I figure today would be the ideal day to start this shit up again. I also have an excellent guest post in the pipeline written by my sister. She gave it to me a few weeks back to post, but I obviously didn't get around to it.

The Boston Celtics captured their seventeenth NBA championship Tuesday night. And Boston celebrated:

Wait a second. This is the wrong picture. This is from when the California Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage would be legal in the state. My bad. But seriously, I love it when anything happens positive to the gay community because you can always count on seeing a scene like this, which makes me smile. Way to go gays! Keep reaching for that rainbow! And fuck you religious/conservative assholes who are opposed to equality for all people. Sometimes this country makes me ashamed to be an American. And you can quote me when I run for office some day.

This is more like it. Although only a couple dozen people were arrested this championship. I think Boston may be finally getting too cool to riot. Have we learned to not be such douchebags? Not yet. Baby steps people. We'll get there.

I didn't really realize during the broadcast, as the game itself was my main focus, but the stars were out in full force. Boston celebrities that is. My sources in the Garden reported those in attendance included The Sausage Guy, Joyce Kulhawik, Crunch, the Andleman brothers, that guy who shows up at every event in Boston wearing the sandwich board and hands out those fliers about going to hell, and I'm sure Lenny Clarke was probably in the back somewhere. Actually, I did see Steven Tyler sitting courtside, and boy did it piss me off. His body language clearly stated that he has never been to a basketball game in his life. Fucking celebrity bullshit. And he's not even that good of a celebrity. That's right, I went there. Guess what America, everyone in Boston doesn't get a boner over Aerosmith.

And I'm not done with him quite yet. I know he's Steven Tyler, but what the fuck was he wearing? This is game 6 of the NBA finals, not a fucking Stevie Nicks concert. Fuck face.

Also in attendance, Joey and Donny from New Kids on the Block. Why didn't they get courtside seats? This is some bulllllllllshit! Am I saying that because I'm going to their concert in October? Let me answer that by first saying that my girlfriend really wanted to go. Moving on.

Getting up and going to work on Wednesday was pretty awful. I actually started writing this post then, but I didn't get that far with the complete lack of sleep and alcohol still coursing through my veins. I was able to get a shitload of pictures from the celebrating, thus reinforcing my love of Glen "Big Baby" Davis.

Big Three? Fuck that. Big Baby. That's right.

Holiday Greetings

...from smut peddlers and T.O.

One of these things is not like the others

Baseball, priorities, monsters, redemption, bigotry, and inspiration

Yesterday was opening day at Fenway Park. I didn't make it this year. And that wasn't necessarily a bad thing because I probably couldn't take all the alcohol-fueled mayhem excitement that was sure to take place because I've been sick. Boo hoo. In a pre-game ceremony that surely annoyed all Boston-hating individuals, the World Series rings were given out to much fanfare and wicked awesome self-congratulations, guy. However the most important news item of the day was who was the surprise guest that was earmarked to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. Seriously, it was embarrassing. Some kids got burned alive in a 3-story house fire in Medford. Who gives a shit? It's opening day at Fenway! It was on the morning news. It was on the radio. It was on the internet. People at work were talking about it. Blah, blah, blah. And of course the Red Sox ownership would only stoke the fire by saying it was a Red Sox legend. Red Sox legend? It seems everyone who's every played for the team is a Red Sox legend. When he retires, Trot Nixon will be a Red Sox legend. No help there, and I still wasn't impressed. Now if the Red Sox brass figured out how to reanimate Ted Williams after reattaching his frozen head to his frozen body into some sort of Frankensteinean creation and have that throw out the first pitch, then I would be impressed.

Nope.

It turned out to be Bill Buckner.

Sweet, sweet redemption!

Not so fast Jon. When talking to one of my co-workers about it she seemed annoyed that he threw out the pitch. Deeper into the conversation it was revealed that she still holds a grudge against him for his error in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. That's 21 years. That's also sad. Granted, she's still also pissed about the Patriots losing to the Giants in the Superbowl. I think she holds grudges. I'm making a mental note to never piss her off.

I was five when Buckner made that error. It didn't really affect me at the time because I was more interested in playing with Transformers and being scared of the Incredible Hulk. I was also scared of the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz. I also hated Broccoli. Maybe I just had a problem with the color Green? Youthful color-bigotry aside, even when I grew up I never had a problem with Bill Buckner. The guy made an error, he's human. Admittedly, that was a pretty fuckin' huge error, but I don't want to judge because I too have made mistakes. None that involved missing a routine ground ball that could have clinched a World Series victory ended the Mets' 10th inning rally, but now I'm just splitting hairs.

And it turns out the Metropolitans were destined to win the series in '86. That's right. How do I know? Maybe this little video will bring things into perspective for you like it did for me.

We never even stood a chance. They had a cameo from Cameo. That just isn't fair. I'm surprised the universe didn't collapse in on itself just from that. If Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, Osiris, Zeus, Jewish guy, and other religious deities had a baseball team and were facing the Mets in the World Series, they would also lose in a heartbreaking fashion. It's just a fact.

And I miss this. When did sports teams become too cool for school to make the cheesy inspirational video?

Jerks.

Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing?

Today is April Fools' Day. Everyone on the internet is trying to be clever even more so than normal. I've decided to buck the trend and post a picture of a baby with three arms. Enjoy.