Monday, July 23, 2007

A very informal case study on the criminal mastermind known as the Hamburglar

Seriously!? A butterfly net??

I was on vacation a couple weeks back and spent some time at the beach with some friends. Several of my friends decided to dig a giant hole in the sand. And I'm not talking about a quick 10 minute job, they were at it for a couple hours. Why did I bring that up? Because they are also in their early to mid 20's and that seemed like the best thing to do at the time. Not hit on girls or play football or wiffleball, but to dig a giant pit. They were the coolest kids on the beach, if you were under the age of 10.

What does trashing on my friends have to do with the Hamburglar? I love writing seemingly off-topic intros that loosely relate to the main story, like on The Simpsons back when it was good.

While all the heavy construction was going on, I decided to hang back with a couple friends and someone's cousin from Germany. Another quick off-topic lesson: if you play sports with someone from another country, make sure that you explain all the rules before the game begins. Assuming that the German kid knew how to play wiffleball came back to bite us in the ass when he kept running on fly balls. Quick conclusion: Germans don't know how to play wiffleball. Lesson learned, moving on.

My friend Warren and I overheard some guy talking while he was walking by. And by overheard I mean we couldn't not hear him because he was talking so damn loud, as if he wanted everyone to hear what he was saying (and I see the irony posting that on a blog). At this point I don't really remember what he was talking about because it obviously was not important. Warren and I looked at each other with disbelief over the nerve of this knobjob causing Warren to mockingly say "Rabble, rabble, rabble," to which I replied "Robble, robble, robble." This led us into a discussion over the controversial Hamburglar character.

We both agreed that the Hamburglar is awesome, despite the positive way the crime of (ham)burglary is presented to the youth of the world. If I were still a gullible kid I would definitely consider the Hamburglar a role model. Need reasons? Here are three.

1. The guy lives in McDonaldland - tell me you wouldn't give a leg just to visit McDonaldland as a kid, especially if you were a fat kid? This guy lives the dream.

2. He is dressed as a bandit - Zorro mask, fedora, cape, old tyme prison stripes, bold red tie. Face it, the man can dress. Also take into account that America loves criminals: the Mafia, Gangs, and most recently Pirates. I think bandits are the next big criminal fad. Mark my words.

3. No repercussions - the worst thing I ever saw in any of the commercials featuring the Hamburglar was they took the burgers back and wagged their pointer finger at him. Maybe I was too young to see Big Mac beat him senseless, or it never happened because that would be very un-PC after the whole Rodney King incident. Even if he were incarcerated I figure the jails in McDonaldland probably resemble the PlayPlaces that are in some of the restaurants. What kind of punishment is being held captive in a room that features a ball pit?

Case and point.

So back to the intro. I'm not completely off the hook, I stood in the pit and got my picture taken.

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