Friday, March 14, 2008

My friends are the shit

I'm really busy at work and in life right now so I've had to neglect my writings. Sorry. Luckily for you I was sent this e-mail today by a friend who I'm going to keep anonymous for his sake. What you read below is exactly what was contained in the e-mail. The very few grammatical errors are his. Hope you like poop jokes.

Alright, let me preface this by saying that this little chestnut is going to be pretty gross and damning in some ways, but you're a guy so you can relate without being completely grossed out. Here's the deal:

Yesterday I was on a 2-hour conference call (there should be a time-limit on how long you can schedule conference calls), and about an hour into it I started to feel a little rumbly in my tumbly. These were not hunger pains either. Something evil had taken over my digestive system, and it desperately wanted out. Initially, it revealed itself in the form of toxic gas and therefore punished all those around me. Of course, I didn't take any responsibility for what was happening. I would also like to note that you know it's bad when your own brand grosses you out. The monster slowly started to move its way down my intestinal tract until it was standing on the doorstep of freedom. What could I do? I'm on a call with clients. Then this terrifying thought entered my mind, "I may actually shit my pants." Now, I've said jokingly "I almost shit my pants" or "I'm going to shit myself" a thousand times. This time though, I actually had to entertain the idea that it could really happen. I might actually shit my pants if I don't get to a bathroom STAT. I haven't been that scared in years. I sat there for a good 20 minutes with my legs and ass clenched as tight as they could be, but the beast had been processed and was ready for its release. Luckily, there was break while one of my co-workers reviewed a set of slides and I knew this was my only opening. I said, "I just need to step away for a few minutes. I apologize." And then I speed-walked, still with my ass clenched, to the mens room and released the hounds of hell. It was literally the best, and worst, feeling I've had in a while. I came back to the call 10 minutes later, and no one was the wiser.

Afterwards I kept thinking, "What would I have done if I shit my pants? How do I get out of the building without anyone noticing what's happened?" Also, there's no email template for leaving early because you shit yourself. Thank God I made to the stall. If the stall was taken, I think I would have shit in the urinal. That's not a joke.

Now you probably don't need to know any of this, but I wanted to share this moment of terror with someone. Enjoy, and God bless.

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