Friday, September 28, 2007

Knuckle Puck Preview '07

So yesterday I realized that the NHL season was starting this weekend and that I had not adequately prepared myself for the next 7 months of face-melting action.

Who am I kidding? Hockey sucks, deal with it denim shirt fans. The last hockey game I willingly watched was the Eden Hall Academy JV-Varsity game. So in that vein, I am going to give my half-ass NHL season preview and predictions. Now I could have gone to any number of the tens of hockey blogs on the internet and ripped off a season preview and predictions, but I'd rather just bullshit my way through this.

Considering my complete and utter hockey ignorance, I had to visit to get some information so it can kind of look researched. The first thing I noticed is that there are a lot more teams than I remember. After using a TI-83, a jar of jellybeans, my toes, and an abacus, I determined there to be 30 teams. Seriously NHL? You need 30 teams? Off the top of my head I can probably name 10 teams. Where the hell did the other 20 teams come from? Now I've heard the argument that the NBA expanded too much, in turn watering down the level of talent in the league. Now at first I was thinking that the same argument could apply to the NHL, then I thought about the hot political topics of the day and realized why the NHL has over-expanded. Immigration control. Before you whistle me for a two-line pass (or some other gay rule from hockey), hear me out. The good ol' US and A have a limited amount of work visas that it will issue in a given year. If we can pad the league with Europeans and Canadians (white people), then we don't have to issue those visas to less desirable countries (Latinos/Hispanics). Let's see the presidential candidates debate that little bombshell.

Now with the politics out of the way I can concentrate on the meat and potatoes of this subject: predictions. I decided to ditch the preview part because I don't know how the teams did last year, or didn't pay attention to any of the off-season transactions, which wouldn't have meant a thing to me anyway. I've assembled the finest scientific minds from around my neighborhood to discuss and debate the merits of each team. They include myself, my next door neighbor who can be seen shredding away at the air guitar while playing 80's music at excessive volumes late into the night, the three Puerto Rican guys who live on the other side of me and sit on their front porch most nights smoking cigarettes and talking loudly in Spanish (one has a mullet, so he's probably the closest we have to a hockey expert), and a couple of the sad old white people who all but live at the convenience store across the street because they are addicted to Keno.

Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
There are two teams in New York, so they cancel each other out like some sort of fraction that I could never quite understand. The same applies to the two teams from Pennsylvania because we're lazy. That leaves the New Jersey Devils. I personally hate the state of New Jersey, but their mascot is affiliated with evil, so they have to be pretty metal.

Northeast Division
We know our hometown Bruins are garbage every year, so they're out. The Buffalo area only has two things going for them the Bills and Sabres, which has to be really depressing. The problem with both teams is that their mascots are buffalo, not the team name like every other sports team on the planet. The Sabres get DQ'ed for participating in those shenanigans. This leaves the three teams from Canada. We discussed this early into the morning (mostly because air guitar guy wouldn't turn down the Cutting Crew album), and came to the agreement that the Ottawa Senators will win because we don't know where Ottawa is. Because we don't know where it is, that means that no one else knows where Ottawa is, so they have the sneak attack factor.

Southeast Division
This division caught us completely off guard. Who in the south(east) cares about hockey? Those backward-ass rednecks only care about moonshine, incest, and Nascar. This was probably the easiest pick of all. The Washington Capitals. Plus where else in DC can a congressmen take his mistress, page, or intern (a hat-trick of infidelity) out in public without concern of anyone ever finding out? Nicely played Capitals.

Western Conference
Central Division
Now here's a division with a few teams that we've actually heard of. That said, Columbus and Nashville are out because we haven't heard of them. Now the St. Louis Blues logo is a music note with a wing. That's queer, so they obviously won't win. The Detroit Red Wings logo is a tire with a wing. That's better than some flying b-sharp, but still stupid so they're done. The Chicago Blackhawks are the team to beat, and I took it upon myself to make that executive decision alone. The Native American blood that runs through my veins has me convinced (I'm seriously 1/8 or 1/16 Native American, I forget which)(...and that isn't a joke about my BAC, you racist).

Northwest Division
Another division with three teams from Canada. Well we don't really feel like discussing Canada anymore and their french fries covered with gravy eating ways, so they get eliminated. We thought the team in Minnesota were the Northstars. Now we're jumping a little ahead but it looks like the moved their asses to Dallas and dropped the North part of their name. That reminds us of the NBA's Charlotte Hornets, who moved to New Orleans. Then Charlotte started an expansion team the Bobcats, who have flat out sucked balls. We decide to assume the same happened in Minnesota with the Wild. That leaves the Colorado Avalanche. We're cool with that because our boy Raymond Jean Bourque won his Stanley Cup out there and then rocked that shit at City Hall Plaza. Our team sucks so we have to play our "homer" card somewhere.

Pacific Division
Since we already mentioned them, let's just start with Dallas. They're in the Pacific Division, but Dallas is 1300+ miles from the Pacific Ocean. This leads us to belive that they probably get really tired rollerblading to their division games because the NHL can't afford to provide travel accommodations (I read the Wall St. report), so they are at a clear disadvantage. Next up is the Phoenix Coyotes. Phoenix has an ice hockey team? We had to double check that we weren't on the Arena Football League page for a second. It turns out that my Puerto Rican neighbor with the mullet is really Mexican and he says that after he crossed the border he made his way through Phoenix. His analysis is that it's really hot in Phoenix so the ice would melt. That's good enough for us. Since we're starting to get sloppy as a scientific collective, I decide to disband the group and finish this out solo. The Los Angeles Kings share the same team name as the Sacramento Kings of the NBA. Despite being a fan of the Maloof Brothers casino, I don't like their basketball team. Sorry LA. Back when I was in middle school, everyone was rocking one of those hooded pull over Starter jackets with the pouch pocket in the front, if you don't know what I'm talking about then you probably live in an area that only has two season. Eat a dick. Well the kid that I hated the most in the world had a San Jose Sharks Starter jacket. I still hate him to this day for no real reason, so I also hate the San Jose Sharks. This leaves a sentimental favorite, which you may have already picked up on if you got the references earlier, The MightyAnaheim Ducks (they'll always be mighty to me). Quack, Quack, Quack...

I could pick a couple wild card teams, and conference champions, and then a Stanley Cup champion, but I've thought, debated, and written more about hockey today than I have in my entire life, and much more than I ever planned to, so I don't want to do any of that other shit. Mostly because no one cares about hockey anyways.

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