Friday, November 16, 2007

Hide the wife and kids

Despite my recent post on not being a Masshole when it comes to being a sports fan, guess what? I've flip-flopped like my boy John Kerry. However I'm not going to gloat about the Patriots and Celtics (btw, both still undefeated as of this posting), and I have no idea or any interest how the Bruins are doing. Like 93% of all Americans you're probably asking "Then who could Jon be talking about? He's already named the only sports that matter." That's true reader. So then what am I talking about?

Filipino slap-fighting? The national spelling bee? Baby seal clubbing? General douchebaggery?

No on three counts.

I'm talking about the New England Revolution being in the MLS Cup this coming Sunday.

New England who? MLS what?

That's right motherfuckers, we're also dominating in professional soccer (or football/futbol for my international readers). This is the third consecutive year that the Revs (that's our nickname for them, pretty ingenious huh?) have been in the MLS Cup. They lost the last two but have a 50/50 shot of winning this year. Pretty sweet odds if I do say so. Now if they lose on Sunday some people could compare them to the Buffalo Bills of the late 80's/early 90's by making the title game several years in a row, only to lose every time. And to clarify, "some people" constitutes 16 people who actually follow professional soccer and know anything about football. And my information is legit, I hired the Gallup Organization to do the research for me.

But if the Revs win I can all but guarantee rioting in the streets of Boston, even more destructive than the Red Sox Wold Series win in '04. Drunken soccer hooligans fans and drunken college kids pouring into the streets turning over cars, climbing traffic lights, setting celebratory fires, and dolling out heavy sack beatings all while singing beloved fight songs. It's like St. Patrick's Day part II. After running all the calculations and figures though one of the supercomputers we have here at my place of employment, there will be an estimated $41 million in damage and at least 34 civilian casualties. I better stop at Home Depot on my way home so I can board up my apartment to hopefully prevent looting and general vandalism.

Wait a second, there's a Patriots game on Sunday night? I guess I forgot to figure that into my calculations. That will take a couple mil off the estimate. Shit.

Oh yeah, I also just realized that I'm part of the 93% of Americans that don't give a shit about soccer. Never mind.

Go Revs! ...kind of

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