Tuesday, November 20, 2007

It's the most wonderful time of the year

...if you're homeless.

The holiday season seems to be the only time anyone cares about homeless people. There are all kinds of food drives, coat drives, and other charitable drives geared toward assisting homeless people. I've never seen a 4th of July homeless cookout or super spooky homeless Halloween bash. I came up with that little theory in shower this morning and decided to do a little research while heading into the office. Like most people, usually when I see a homeless person I avoid eye contact and pretend that I can't hear them, or if an encounter is eminent I'll pull out my cell phone and pretend I'm on a call. Even homeless people are usually polite enough not to bother someone on the phone. Today I stopped at the first homeless person I saw and started talking to him.

Jon: Hey buddy, how you doing today?

Homeless man: Pissah.

Jon: Could I ask you a couple questions?

Homeless man: Shoot.

Jon: With the upcoming holiday season rapidly approaching, do you notice that people are nicer or more generous to you?

Homeless man: Ya know, I hadn't really thought about it because I usually only think about gettin' shitfaced. [becomes distracted by a plastic bag caught in the breeze]

Jon: Um... ok? Could you think about it now?

Homeless man: [thinking] [eyes become wide] [looks down at spare change cup] [looks up at me]

Jon: [puts a 5er in his ratty Dunkin' Donuts cup]

Homeless man: Usually people just want to spit on me and scurry me back under a bridge like a fuckin' troll ...or a fuckin' Yankees fan. Ya know what I'm sayin' pal? [extends filthy hand expecting a high-five]

Jon: [straight-faced] I stopped high-fiving when I became an adult (that's a lie).

Homeless man: [becomes agitated] Ya think you're some kinda big shot!?

Jon: I don't need to deal with this shit. Thanks for your time. Have a nice day.

Homeless man: You scared of me!?

Jon: No, I'm heading to work and don't want bum stink on me.

Homeless man: [drunkenly stumbles off of curb and falls in the street thus blocking traffic]

Jon: It's supposed to snow today, stay warm.

Homeless man: [from street] Fuck you ya fuckin' prick!

So I guess this proves my theory correct. People are nicer to bums homeless people during the holiday season.

...and homeless people are just as caring.

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