Booze Cruising 101

I went on a booze cruise recently for a friend's birthday and learned some very important lessons. Being the generous soul that I am, I've decided to write a primer for any potential booze cruisers out there with this being the prime booze cruising season. I originally planned on writing this the next morning, but I was too hungover to be a functioning member of society. Shit, I barely got to work in one piece. On with the tips.

1. Be on the list
I don't know anyone who's ever out of the blue decided to go on a booze cruise. Make the call and save yourself a couple bucks so you can spend more on alcohol.

Me - "Hey friend, what do you feel like doing this evening?"

Friend - "I don't know Jon. How about we go on a booze cruise?"

That has never happened.

2. Dress appropriately
Ladies, as much as I like you dressing like you're going to the finest club in town, in actuality you're drinking on a third-rate tour boat that probably hasn't been seaworthy for the better part of a decade. It's kind of like if your Catholic school was having a parents career day and your mom was a hooker. Not at all appropriate for the situation.

Way to stay classy Boston (note the plastic bench on the right).

3. Be on the deck during sunset
The real party doesn't get going until everyone gets a few drinks in them, so why not enjoy all the splendors of nature while getting drunk primed to dance?

Beautiful ...beer me Skipper!

4. Buy drinks two at a time, if not more
Once this thing gets going you'll be waiting in long lines to get a drink. Why not put some time between waiting in line and grab at least two drinks, which you probably do anyway if your a hardcore alki. Bonus tip: Seek out alternate bars on the boat. There was a second bar below deck and there was never a line, which still didn't stop me from grabbing two drinks at a time. And I don't have a drinking problem, I'm just devoted to spending the least amount of time in lines as possible as I'm ridiculously impatient. See, not an alcoholic.

5. Dance carefully
The best moment of the night wasn't the booty shaking contest, that was actually quite sad on so many levels, despite the birthday girl taking the win. It was when a couple of drunk girls decided to get the party started by trying to get people to start dancing. Before that it was kind of like a middle school dance with everyone standing around the dance floor, but not like a middle school dance because the boys and girls weren't on the opposite side of the boat. Anyway, how did they try? By dancing of course! However they did not notice in all their drunkenness that the boat was starting to hit choppy waters. To explain what happened next, I've come up with a simple equation that demonstrates this: drunk girls + high heels + choppy water = hilarious results. I'm not kidding when I tell you that one of them almost went overboard not once, but twice, and she was in the middle of the dance floor about 20 feet away from the side.

6. Don't/Can't dance? No problem!
There are a ton of other things to do on a booze cruise: watch drunk girls almost go overboard while attempting to dance, hang out on the deck, um... hang out below deck. That's about it. Have fun!