Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Ebony and Ivory

While driving to my polling location to vote yesterday I was almost sideswiped which would have put me into oncoming traffic. I would have been horribly injured and probably would have died as a result. Fuck that. Don't let "the man" fool you. Voting is for squares.

Does that mean I'm going to stop paying attention to the primary coverage? Fuck and no. I stayed up until 3AM this morning watching CNN. This shit is exciting. Well all except watching Wolf Blitzer stumble over almost every word that came out of his bearded face. That was sad. It's also really enjoyable to see the in-studio pundits not knowing what the hell is going on. CNN, please hire me as an in-studio pundit. I come fairly cheap and can bullshit with the best of them. Here's an example:

[begin scene]
[the date is March 4th]
[news rolls in that Obama wins Texas despite being a 10-point underdog]
(jaws are agape in the studio)
Me: Well, I saw it coming because Texans are simple god-fearing folks, with honest down home values. They also don't want anyone messing with them and I feel Obama's campaign messed with them far less than the Clinton campaign. Oh yeah, they're also suckers for cowboy hats.
(I pull out the following picture)

[end scene]

How about those chops CNN? And I swear that if I see this dialogue on March 4th you are so sued.

Which now leads me to announce up the official White Boys Can Dance democratic presidential nominee endorsement. Actually I'm going to let John Cutter handle it.

Always bet on black.

That's right white devils, Barack Hussein Obama. And yes, the timing of this announcement was intentional and is sure to shake this race to it's core. But let me get serious here for a second. Democrats, gather around and take a knee or sit Native American-style, your choice. Why are you voting for Hillary? ... Really? That's wonderful. Now shut up for a second and think about this little nugget. She's too polarizing of a candidate. If she's the nominee people will come out and vote republican just because they hate her. Hell, one of the republican pundits said last night they would much rather run against Hillary because of how most of the country feels about her. I'm telling you right now she will not win if she's the candidate.

Now why am I endorsing Obama? Here's my simple three-part answer.

1. Well despite what I just said about ignoring the issues when it came to Hillary, Barack and I share more common views on the issues than any of the other candidates.

2. Have you watched any of his speeches? I caught his speech after losing the New Hampshire primary and it honestly gave me chills. Despite it being a concession speech, he read that thing with the fire and conviction as if he won the damn thing.

3. He's got Stevie. Not just the tunes, but the man himself.

I know that isn't a very strong argument, but getting deeper into the nuances of my selection would be far more tedious and therefore boring. And that's not my style, my style is questioning my sexuality for humor's sake, making Simpsons references, and calling people retards. Hell, look at yesterdays post that promoted voting, or was it promoting vaginas? In reality it was promoting both, which is of course the American Dream.

But seriously, vote. And also seriously, I did almost get sideswiped and die.

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