Year in (P)review

2007 is closing out so everyone and their perverted uncle are coming out with year-end lists. Since I have no will of my own I'm going to jump on that bandwagon and notch another easy post to my 2007 total. I could list my top 10 favorite albums/movies/celebrity fuck-ups/etc... but that's not how I operate. I've decided to post my top 10 ideas that I never got around to writing. Actually there are plenty more, but I can't reveal my whole hand yet. I will post some of these eventually so you can also consider this a preview of things to come. They'll go from least likely to ever get written to something I've probably already started. Let's begin, shall we?

10. Why are retards always smiling?
Seriously, why?

9. Liveblogging the 14+ minute version of Rapper's Delight
Actual excerpt "12:21 - just realized that song is still going"

8. An objective assessment of the robbery that took place at my apartment three weeks ago
I got robbed in October, not three weeks ago. And it wasn't coming together like I wanted.

7. Three reasons why Jaws 3 is the third best Jaws movie ever
I could only think of two reasons.

6. Music that I can't even sell back to the record store
I own many albums that I'm too embarrassed to sell back. Limp Bizkit anyone? Yeah, my taste in music was pretty bad in high school.

5. Blogging on Absinthe
It's legal in Boston, I just haven't gone to the liquor store and bought any yet.

4. Top 10 bands I could die happily without ever hearing again
A top 10 list in another top 10 list! Does that blow your mind?

3. "We Are Family"
I can't tell you anymore right now. My sister came up with the idea, and it must be written.

2. Zombies!
I just didn't have time in October.

1. 1970's porno music, is there anything it can't do?
I'm still doing the research. Seriously.

So that's it for this year. Have a boozetacular New Year's Eve, like this guy obviously did.

Harder... Faster... Better... Deader

About a month ago Evel Knievel died. That sucks. Evel Knievel has been one of my heroes for one simple reason: he was a bad motherfucker. I'm not talking about jumping motorcycles over shit, which is cool, or holding the record for most broken bones (also cool), but more his "I just don't give a fuck" attitude and swagger that comes with the territory. I know he was old but I never figured he would just go out like some pussy to lung disease at age 69. I figured he'd get to 103 before attempting to jump a motorized wheelchair over 6 flaming hospital beds only to realize as he was hitting the ramp the wheelchair battery was almost dead and he would not make it. It would be all dramatic and classy like the end of 300.

The weekend after he died I kept replaying it in my mind. Lung disease? Evel Knievel!? I just couldn't accept his fate. I did a little reading up on Evel and saw that a few days earlier in the week there was a story that Kanye West had settled out of court with Evel over use of his likeness in a music video last year. I hadn't seen it because I don't give a shit about music videos and don't know where to see them besides YouTube. Then I remembered that the week before Kanye West's mother had died from botched plastic surgery. Hmmmm... My Sherlockian curiosity had been piqued. Kanye West had been involved in two news worthy deaths in a matter of weeks. Coincidence? I think not.

Now I could give you some excuses that I haven't written anything new recently because I decided to join the striking members of the Writers Guild of America, but I'm a not a member, or even a real writer. So then I figured I could say that I have been really busy at work and in addition I have a life, but those would be blatant lies. It turns out that I've been busy researching my hunch: Kanye West is a murderer.

Now before anyone gets all whiny and litigious, I'm using murderer in the least inflammatory sense of the word. Good. Now that my ass is covered on to the evidence.

Exhibit A: Evel Knievel

Here's a picture of Evel Knievel taken before he met with Kanye West. His appearance is so youthful and full of life. Look at him preach to those kids about the evils of drugs, foreign cars, and Communism.

Now here's a picture of Evel Knievel with Kanye West. He looks like the goddamn Cryptkeeper. I attribute that to the brash smugness exuded by one Mr. West who thought it was a good idea to rip off Evel Knievel in the first place which would undoubtedly spur a lawsuit, and whoever has ever been involved with a lawsuit knows that they can suck the life out of you. I bet Kanye's plan was to drag it out long enough so Evel would kick the bucket and his family would drop the suit because they didn't want Evel to be remembered as an old codger only concerned about money who also didn't understand youth culture. Kanye's legal team would also hint at him being a racist. That's pretty low.

Exhibit B: Donda West

I wouldn't have brought it up so soon, but justice must be served. I don't know what Donda did for work, but I bet it didn't provide her the income to become a plastic surgery junkie. And before you call me a racist for assuming she couldn't afford plastic surgery because she's black and therefore had a shitty job, if she worked at all. Let me drop some info on you, I live very comfortably in the Boston area. Now if you didn't know the cost of living up here is among the highest in the country. That being said, I can't afford plastic surgery (as if I would even need it). Actually I probably could if I didn't spend most of my money on pogs, Turbografx-16 games, and astronaut ice cream. So where did she get the money to kill herself? Her famous and wealthy son. Oh yeah, and if you still think I'm racist after that (shit, I'm starting to think I'm racist after that), you should probably read this. See, I'm cool. Now let us move on.

Exhibit C: 50 Cent's credibility

Kanye won the big 9/11 rap off (that sounds so wrong in retrospect) and 50 didn't retire as the said he would. Wait a second, a public figure flip-flopped on a bold statement? Up is down, down is up, cats and dogs are living together in sin, etc... I guess 50's next career move will be to get into politics. I was hoping it would be moving to the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

Exhibit D: Britney Spears' career

Too easy, I'll just move on.

Exhibit E: Ellen Degeneres' judgement

I know the late night shows are returning sans writers next week, but who was the first talk show host to cross the picket line? That's right, Ellen "Big Balls" Degeneres, or Ellen "Scab-bo" Degeneres depending on your take on the issue and your level of bigotry. This deep into the strike pretty much everyone is happy that the talk shows are coming back with new programming so we don't have to watch reruns of Jay Leno interviewing Urkel (at least that's how it would go down in my dreams). But a couple months back when she crossed the picket line she got slammed pretty bad by everyone.

I believe this picture was taken a few weeks before the strike happened, so I checked with one of my inside sources on the Ellen show who mentioned that a conversation was overheard in the green room between Ellen and Kanye. There is no "official" transcript of said conversation, but it may have went down like this:

Ellen: I don't know what I'm going to do if my writers go on strike.

Kanye: Fuck the writers. It's the Ellen show, not the writers show. People come to see you dance and cry about dogs and shit, not to see the writers dance and cry about their problems.

Ellen: You're right Kanye, it IS the Ellen show. Fuck those greedy bitches.

Kanye: Yeah homegirl.

She also looks really stupid in those sunglasses. Take that Ellen!

Exhibit F: Marching Bands

I couldn't really think of anything to say about marching bands, I just thought Kanye looks ridiculous in that picture. What an asshole.

Exhibit G: The Enviroment

Al Gore won an Oscar for producing a film that discusses the very real threat of global warming. The Bush administration says that there isn't enough evidence to say that global warming exists. Hmmmm... which side do I want to take on this subject? Look at the trail of flames following Kanye around. If that happens everywhere he goes then by my calculations there is a significant amount of CO2 being put into our atmosphere every day, which would contribute to global warming. Chalk up another victory to Al Gore over G-Dubbs. I could even conclude that the amount of CO2 is comparable (because he's as hot as Hansel right now) to the amount of methane release into the atmosphere by cattle. If only Kanye's shoes were made of kangaroo asses. Hey, we all have to do our part.

Exhibit H: You?

Haven't I provided enough evidence for you. If you meet Kanye you're fucked. Sorry but that's the way it goes.

Now usually my investigative reporting is just conjecture, wild accusations, and made up evidence, so this post pretty much reinforces that. However this time I did some real reporting and sought out some experts in the field for comment.

My first source was the grim reaper. When reached for comment the grim reaper responded: "Are you saying Kanye is a killer just because he's black? Dude, that's pretty racist. Just kidding. But seriously, I wouldn't want to hang out with that guy, I have a pretty good thing going." I also got managed to get a hold of the devil. When reached for comment the devil responded: "He doesn't work for me, but I like his [killing] style. Do you think you could get me a pair of those sunglasses? It's pretty bright down here in hell." I told the devil that I'm pretty sure that they are mostly ornamental and probably provide little UV protection if any at all. For calling him out he threatened my soul and called me a queer for having a blog. I retorted at least I don't hang around some pit with tied-up half-naked dudes all day and then got the fuck out of there.

Happy Boxing Day

...from baby Hitler. And I'm not dead, I've been working on something that I should get up in the next couple days. I promise.

Preview: Homeless Report

Most of the shit I write is supposed to be humorous. This will not require any of my assistance. See you tomorrow. [update: 12/27] Tomorrow never came. I'll put it up eventually.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

...if you're homeless.

The holiday season seems to be the only time anyone cares about homeless people. There are all kinds of food drives, coat drives, and other charitable drives geared toward assisting homeless people. I've never seen a 4th of July homeless cookout or super spooky homeless Halloween bash. I came up with that little theory in shower this morning and decided to do a little research while heading into the office. Like most people, usually when I see a homeless person I avoid eye contact and pretend that I can't hear them, or if an encounter is eminent I'll pull out my cell phone and pretend I'm on a call. Even homeless people are usually polite enough not to bother someone on the phone. Today I stopped at the first homeless person I saw and started talking to him.

Jon: Hey buddy, how you doing today?

Homeless man: Pissah.

Jon: Could I ask you a couple questions?

Homeless man: Shoot.

Jon: With the upcoming holiday season rapidly approaching, do you notice that people are nicer or more generous to you?

Homeless man: Ya know, I hadn't really thought about it because I usually only think about gettin' shitfaced. [becomes distracted by a plastic bag caught in the breeze]

Jon: Um... ok? Could you think about it now?

Homeless man: [thinking] [eyes become wide] [looks down at spare change cup] [looks up at me]

Jon: [puts a 5er in his ratty Dunkin' Donuts cup]

Homeless man: Usually people just want to spit on me and scurry me back under a bridge like a fuckin' troll ...or a fuckin' Yankees fan. Ya know what I'm sayin' pal? [extends filthy hand expecting a high-five]

Jon: [straight-faced] I stopped high-fiving when I became an adult (that's a lie).

Homeless man: [becomes agitated] Ya think you're some kinda big shot!?

Jon: I don't need to deal with this shit. Thanks for your time. Have a nice day.

Homeless man: You scared of me!?

Jon: No, I'm heading to work and don't want bum stink on me.

Homeless man: [drunkenly stumbles off of curb and falls in the street thus blocking traffic]

Jon: It's supposed to snow today, stay warm.

Homeless man: [from street] Fuck you ya fuckin' prick!

So I guess this proves my theory correct. People are nicer to bums homeless people during the holiday season.

...and homeless people are just as caring.

Hide the wife and kids

Despite my recent post on not being a Masshole when it comes to being a sports fan, guess what? I've flip-flopped like my boy John Kerry. However I'm not going to gloat about the Patriots and Celtics (btw, both still undefeated as of this posting), and I have no idea or any interest how the Bruins are doing. Like 93% of all Americans you're probably asking "Then who could Jon be talking about? He's already named the only sports that matter." That's true reader. So then what am I talking about?

Filipino slap-fighting? The national spelling bee? Baby seal clubbing? General douchebaggery?

No on three counts.

I'm talking about the New England Revolution being in the MLS Cup this coming Sunday.

New England who? MLS what?

That's right motherfuckers, we're also dominating in professional soccer (or football/futbol for my international readers). This is the third consecutive year that the Revs (that's our nickname for them, pretty ingenious huh?) have been in the MLS Cup. They lost the last two but have a 50/50 shot of winning this year. Pretty sweet odds if I do say so. Now if they lose on Sunday some people could compare them to the Buffalo Bills of the late 80's/early 90's by making the title game several years in a row, only to lose every time. And to clarify, "some people" constitutes 16 people who actually follow professional soccer and know anything about football. And my information is legit, I hired the Gallup Organization to do the research for me.

But if the Revs win I can all but guarantee rioting in the streets of Boston, even more destructive than the Red Sox Wold Series win in '04. Drunken soccer hooligans fans and drunken college kids pouring into the streets turning over cars, climbing traffic lights, setting celebratory fires, and dolling out heavy sack beatings all while singing beloved fight songs. It's like St. Patrick's Day part II. After running all the calculations and figures though one of the supercomputers we have here at my place of employment, there will be an estimated $41 million in damage and at least 34 civilian casualties. I better stop at Home Depot on my way home so I can board up my apartment to hopefully prevent looting and general vandalism.

Wait a second, there's a Patriots game on Sunday night? I guess I forgot to figure that into my calculations. That will take a couple mil off the estimate. Shit.

Oh yeah, I also just realized that I'm part of the 93% of Americans that don't give a shit about soccer. Never mind.


Go Revs! ...kind of

I'm setting booty traps

"Thank you for your brave service soldier. On a personal note, I loved you in Goonies."

The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's A Wrap

Last Tuesday Robert Goulet passed away at the age of 73. What the fuck Devil's Night!?! Why are you so insistent on messing with my enjoyment of Halloween this decade? Hands down, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Better than Chinese New Year, better than Evacuation Day, even better than Leif Ericson Day. So then why the past couple of years have two of my favorite entertainers died the day before? In 2002 Jam Master Jay was shot and killed and now Robert Goulet died while awaiting a lung transplant. I didn't realize this until I was reading the article about his death, but I got to see him perform live ...sort of.

I went to opening day at Fenway this year. Naturally before the game, my friends and I did a little pre-gaming (getting shitfaced at 10 in the morning). Somehow we were able to actually get to Fenway and managed to get to our seats during the opening ceremonies. I heard the PA announcer mention Robert Goulet and then heard him singing Take Me Out To The Ballgame or God Bless America, or something of that nature. I didn't see him on the field so I just assumed that they were playing a recording of him singing; this made sense at the time because I was so hammered. Now when I read the article about his death I saw this photo of Goulet crooning something out at opening day this past season:

So I got to experience Goulet live, but who really cares? I do, and you should too. Goulet was a badass, and not just because of Will Ferrell's over the top impersonation of him on SNL that everyone and their 96-year old grandmother has seen. For one, he had a sweet moustache, which conveniently leads into part two of my list of greatest moustaches of all time. [part 1 here]

Robert Goulet

Goulet didn't sport a moustache early in his career, but I wasn't alive then, so I consider that fact irrelevant. And all of my Goulet memories come from his mustachioed period, so he fits on this list like Isotoners fit on OJ. Speaking of OJ, he co-stared with one Mr. Robert Goulet in The Naked Gun 2½. That movie was pretty funny.

Jake Plummer

Recent Career: Quarterback for the Denver Broncos. Probably even more recent career: drive-thru playmaker at White Castle. But from the looks of that 'stache, he looks to be working on some adult film set somewhere in Southern California (the part that wasn't torched by that little kid; but he was a good kid!). And speaking of porno moustaches...

Ron Jeremy

Everyone in the world knows who Ron Jeremy is. Not everyone knows why he's famous though. If you are one of those people then today isn't your lucky day. I don't really feel like talking about Mr. Jeremy's "talent", so you can investigate on your own time. In the meantime, check out that moustache, pretty classy huh?

Chewbacca

I wanted to include Mutley in my last list but I didn't because I couldn't tell if he had a moustache. Well I didn't have the same problem with Chewbacca. Check out his upper lip. Despite him being completely covered in hair, there is a distinct color difference in the hair where a moustache should be. That's good enough for me. And don't ask me where this picture came from, I don't really know. I just assume that it's a from a deleted scene in Empire Strikes Back. I mean they had that incest angle going on, why not bestiality too? Han Solo must have been pissed.

All-4-One

For those that can't remember, All-4-One is an R&B group who won a Grammy in the mid-90's for some awful song that I can't remember. And yet I remember them having some interesting moustaches in the video of said song I can't remember. I couldn't find a picture of those guys with moustaches, but I found the above picture which was named all-4-one.jpg which appears to be a bunch of assholes holding hands during a polygamous civil union ceremony in a bank or Realtors office. I see that they don't have moustaches, but the picture was too good not to share.

These two kids

I can't tell if those are fake moustaches or if those kids are Hispanic, but they are rocking some pretty serious facial hair. They could also be midgets, but I can't see any of their extremities. Your guess is as good as mine.

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times...

I am a Boston/New England sports fan. I have been all 25 years of my life. Despite it currently being a "golden age'" of sports in Boston, it also really sucks for me being a fan. Here's why:

That seems to be the general consensus of all other sports fans across the country, and I can't really blame them. I don't want to hear about the Patriots every other play on Monday Night Football when they're not playing, or have every third story on SportsCenter be about the Red Sox. It's overkill. And the hype for this weeks game between the Pats and Colts is sickening. This will not be the greatest regular season game ever unless the game is tied in the fourth quarter at 42 going into the two-minute warning when aliens land at the 50-yard line and bestow upon us the technology necessary to create the hoverboard. That would be something. The constant media barrage is only part of the problem. The other is Red Sox Nation.

I am a Red Sox fan. I am not part of Red Sox Nation. It was cute when it was used occasionally by the media, but when the ownership took it and marketed this shit out of it after the World Series win in '04, that was the end. Does your team's fan base have an official president? Mine does, and that is one of the saddest things I can think of. Even sadder than a puppy with cancer.

What's leukemia?

Next on my shitlist should be Patriots fans. Guess what? I'm not going to talk shit about their general boastful dickweedery because any other fan base would act the same exact way if they were in the same position (winning). Go to any football game at an opposing stadium and see how you are treated. Most of the fans of the the opposing team will give you some good-natured ribbing, but they are cool and will talk football, eat various grilled meats, and drink beer all day. This is the same on the internet. The fans who cause the bad rap are the 10% or so who love to act like their teams accomplishments somehow increase their status in football fandom. Every team has them, deal with it until it's your turn. On the other hand, I can't stand the whiny Patriots (Boston) fans who still act like everyone is against them and can't shut the fuck up and just enjoy the season. Do you know why everyone is seemingly against you? Because that is the point of competition. Sports wouldn't be entertaining if every game ended up in a tie, like tee ball, would it? Now shut the fuck up!

I've complained about Celtics fans in the past so I don't need to touch them again, no one cares about BC unless you are enrolled or an alumnus, and it wouldn't be fair to pick on the 8 or so remaining Bruins fans. So basically it comes down to everyone hates us because our teams are winning and we are being pricks about it. I'm not looking for pity, I just wanted to comment on the state of fandom in the city of Boston. So for the record: as a Boston sports fan, I Jon promise not to whine or be a prick about my sports teams, I'll just be a prick about everything else.

Come fly the really friendly skies

I wrote this post on my Blackberry while flying home from Chicago last Friday night. I had a few drinks in me and have decided to leave it exactly as I wrote it. You probably won't be able to tell the difference between this and my normal writing because I'm either a really good writer when I drink, or a really bad writer when I'm sober. I'd wager on the latter. Enjoy my semi-inebriated train(wreck) of thoughts.

While waiting on the tarmac for takeoff this evening I've realized that I want to be a flight attendant. It seems to be a really easy/low pressure job. Fly your ass around the country/world, hang out with hot chicks (not so much anymore, I think some of the first flight attendants are still on the job), give orders to the passengers or they go to jail, and serve beverages. Shit, you don't even need to mix drinks for the passenger anymore. I ordered a gin and tonic and the guy gave me a cup of tonic water and a nip. I bet the pay sucks and there's the inherent risk of terrorism, but where isn't there an inherent risk of terrorism nowadays? And you probably get a pretty sweet discount.

But there's one small problem, I'm not gay. Of all the flights I've taken this year, none of the male flight attendants have been straight. My appearance is gay enough as it is, this would be one step closer to convincing the unsure that I enjoy meat popsicles. Oh shit, the flight attendant gave me the the drink for free, I would assume that gays have really excellent gaydar. Maybe there's no hope for me yet.

Profanity...fuck yeah!

From AFP:

Regular swearing at work can help boost team spirit among staff, allowing them to express better their feelings as well as develop social relationships, according to a study by researchers.

Yehuda Baruch, a professor of management at the University of East Anglia, and graduate Stuart Jenkins studied the use of profanity in the workplace and assessed its implications for managers.

They assessed that swearing would become more common as traditional taboos are broken down, but the key appeared to be knowing when such language was appropriate and when to turn to blind eye.

The pair said swearing in front of senior staff or customers should be seriously discouraged or banned, but in other circumstances it helped foster solidarity among employees and express frustration, stress or other feelings.

"Employees use swearing on a continuous basis, but not necessarily in a negative, abusive manner," said Baruch, who works in the university's business school in Norwich.

Banning swear words and reprimanding staff might represent strong leadership, but could remove key links between staff and impact on morale and motivation, he said.

"We hope that this study will serve not only to acknowledge the part that swearing plays in our work and our lives, but also to indicate that leaders sometimes need to 'think differently' and be open to intriguing ideas.

"Managers need to understand how their staff feel about swearing. The challenge is to master the 'art' of knowing when to turn a blind eye to communication that does not meet their own standards."

The study, "Swearing at work and permissive leadership culture: when anti-social becomes social and incivility is acceptable", is published in the latest issue of the Leadership and Organisational Development Journal.

I love using profanity. Let me further clarify that remark.

I motherfucking love swearing.

Get the point?

I have never really understood the taboo of using profane language. Why are certain words considered obscene? They are just words. It annoys the shit out of me like adults who can't say penis and vagina without cracking up. Seriously, if you have some insight please post it in the comments (and I saw the South Park episode about curse words; as entertaining as that episode was, I don't think that was legit).

I don't use profanity to be shocking or obscene, they are just handy-dandy words that help get my point across as accurately as possible. Here's a scenario: my flight tomorrow gets delayed 6 or so hours. Which do you think conveys my emotion better?

A. I'm really mad.

B. I'm fucking pissed.

See what I mean. I didn't use fuck like Larry Flynt would, I used it like Bono, so it's ok because he's practically the Irish Jesus.

Despite my love of using profanity, I know there is a time and place, as this article suggests. I don't swear in front of children, people I don't know, or people that I know will be offended. As much of an asshole I am on this blog, I am actually a very respectful person (except to old people, I wish they would all just die) (except old people who swear, they can hang with me any time they want). You could also argue that by swearing on this blog I am not being respectful of people I don't know. Well la-de-fucking-da. Swearing on the internet is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark.

And I can fully agree with this study as I actually manage people. I know, scary huh? Swearing makes it easier to relate to my underlings employees, as it lowers me to their level. I'm pretty intimidating with my high-powered position, $50 haircut, and shiny shoes, so when I speak to them like a sailor it gets them thinking "Wow, Jon called that woman a twat because she is acting like a twat. I can relate to him and will do whatever he asks without objection." Sweet deal.

Now I need to wrap this shit up before this building gets struck by lightning and my my ass bursts into flames.

U Can't Touch This

I know I've been lacking in posts the last week or so, but work has gotten in the way, which also explains why I'm writing this in Chicago.

Two things to add to my last post critiquing the Chicagoland area:

The accent around here is beyond awful. I know the Boston accent is retahded (hence why I dropped it), but I want to start throwing haymakers. And the worst part of that statement is that I notice it mostly coming from women. I don't want to Ike Turner anyone, so I'm going to try to deal for a couple more days.

However, the Central Time Zone is awesome. I'm quite disappointed in the result of games 3 and 4 of the ALCS, but at least I was able to watch them an hour earlier than I'm used to (well, kind of).

So what does Chicago have to do with the title? Nothing, so keep reading jackass.

I don't remember how, but at some point this week I came across MC Hammer's blog. No bullshit, MC "banana hammock" himself. Why am I bringing this up? First, because MC Hammer is awesome, despite the stupid wardrobe back in the day. Second, because MC Hammer seems to post all the time on his blog. I on the other hand don't post that often.

My posting schedule is as follows: I post when I have the time to write something worthy of other people spending a few minutes of their precious time to hopefully enjoy. So what does that mean?

I am more important than MC Hammer.

Now I just need someone to animate a show about me saving the day by wearing magical dancing shoes.

Battle for second place

Today is Leif Ericson Day. Did you know that? Probably not, because like most other ignorant Americans you don't care. You probably still believe that Christoper Columbus discovered America in 1492. Hell, Chris Berman said last night on Monday Night Football that Columbus discovered America in a Lexus. Corporate shilling aside, and for the purposes of this post, I'll take his "discovered America" statement as the stance of the common American.

And in case you couldn't tell where I was going, Leif Ericson is the earliest recorded European to visit North America. In fact he beat Columbus by almost 500 years. So why doesn't he get a cushy Monday holiday like Chrissyboy? Racism.

Just kidding. They're both European, and we all know that all Europeans love each other. Just look what that Hitler fellow tried to do. That's right, unite all of Europe into a single strong nation. Shit, and he was on to something, just look at the way the Euro is blitzkrieging our dollar.

Neither is making Hitler jokes. I'm so ashamed.

Offensive Hitler jokes aside, to determine once and for all what is the second most important holiday in Rocktober, I've decided to hold a White Boys Can Dance stupid idea dance-off between Italian stereotypes (Columbus) and Viking stereotypes (Ericson).

Vikings
Oh Snap! (strengths)

• Clothes - furry vests and boots
• Head - horned helmets
• Transportation - longboats
• Intangibles - pillaging

Weak Shit (weaknesses)

• Media - Capital One commercials
• Intangibles - raping

Italians
Oh Snap!

• Media - The Godfather part II
• Intangibles - the women (well the non-stereotypical ones)

Weak Shit

• Clothes - Armani, tracksuits, gold chains
• Head - greasy slicked back hair
• Transportation - IROC's
• Intangibles - the Jersey shore

That wasn't even a close one. I don't know if Vikings even know how to dance, but if you've ever been to a nightclub you know that Guidos don't. Leif Ericson Day is now officially the second most important holiday in Rocktober. Go forth and celebrate!

And I didn't write this post because I'm still a little pissed that I had to work yesterday, it was to denounce injustice and promote fairness.

















Well... maybe a little from column A.

If you can't read this then please don't sue me

From Reuters:

A federal judge in California certified a class action lawsuit against Target Corp brought by plaintiffs claiming the discount retailer's Web site is inaccessible to the blind, according to court documents.

Judge Marilyn Patel of the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of California also rejected Target's motion for summary judgment in the case, according to the ruling filed October 2.

According to the ruling, plaintiffs -- including the National Federation of the Blind -- claim Target.com violates federal and state laws prohibiting discrimination against the disabled.

"This is a tremendous step forward for blind people throughout the country who for too long have been denied equal access to the Internet economy," Marc Maurer, president of the National Federation for the Blind, said in a statement.

"All e-commerce businesses should take note of this decision and immediately take steps to open their doors to the blind," Maurer said.

Dear vision-impaired friends,

This is in small type because I don't want the dog-followers coming after me.

In order to comply with your

What are blind people doing on the internet?

basic needs, I have decided

Last time I checked you needed to be able to see to use the internet.

to make all of my posts going

Especially since 90% of the traffic is for adult websites.

forward as easy to read

Did they develop some sort of braille monitor,

as this technology allows.

or robot voice that describes the hardcore action?

You guys and gals are the best.

Because I want one.

-Jon

[edit: turns out they hate the environment too]

Are you ready to rock!?

Now that Zeptember has passed, we come to my favorite month of the year: Rocktober. And to kick it off it's new music Tuesday here in the states and the new album by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street band is being released (actually it was already released on vinyl, but that's neither here nor there). I've heard the new single Radio Nowhere a bunch recently and have found myself mostly indifferent toward it, it's not great, but it doesn't suck. The only reason that I'm mentioning it is because based on hearing this song, I have come to the conclusion that Bruce Springsteen has finally run out of ideas.

Let's jump into my Delorean and take a quick trip back to the year nineteen hundred and eighty-two. The former president of SAG was keeping busy sticking it to the common man, "The Great White Hope" reaffirmed that there is no master race, my age was still being counted in months, and a little ditty called 867-5309/Jenny was climbing the charts. Peaking at #4 on Billboard's Hot 100, Tommy Tutone managed to piss of a lot of people around the country who had the now infamous digits. I was not one of those people because depending on when it reached #4 in 1982, I most likely wasn't talking yet and even if I was I wouldn't have the cognitive skills to have a telephone conversation (and in case you don't have any cognitive skills, I was a baby in '82). Well in the years since I have grown fond of 867-5309/Jenny; it was the first song I ever remember I willingly performed during a karaoke night, and I have met a few Jenny's while seeing it played by decent cover bands. But I think the reason that I like it so much is it's just so damn catchy.

Well low and behold last month I hear on the local classic rock station that they are about to play the new Bruce Springsteen single. All of a sudden I hear this Jennyesque riff coming out of my speakers. What the fuck Bruce? You just got bagged for ripping off Tommy Tutone. Tommy freakin' Tutone!? Can anyone out there name another Tommy Tutone song off the top of their heads? Unless you were in Tommy Tutone or are directly related to any of the members you cannot, don't even lie to me. And Bruce, if you were going to rip off Tommy Tutone, you shouldn't have picked the only song that everyone knows, you should have picked any of the other couple dozen(?) or so songs that they put out. That's just bush league, I wouldn't even be a little surprised if there's a song on the new album that sounds like Eye of the Tiger.

And since were still back in '82 I've asked famed movie character Clubber Lang for his prediction on a possible fight between the E Street Band and Tommy Tutone, Clubber...?

And I'll see what I can do about getting some mp3's up so you can hear for yourself.

Knuckle Puck Preview '07

So yesterday I realized that the NHL season was starting this weekend and that I had not adequately prepared myself for the next 7 months of face-melting action.

Who am I kidding? Hockey sucks, deal with it denim shirt fans. The last hockey game I willingly watched was the Eden Hall Academy JV-Varsity game. So in that vein, I am going to give my half-ass NHL season preview and predictions. Now I could have gone to any number of the tens of hockey blogs on the internet and ripped off a season preview and predictions, but I'd rather just bullshit my way through this.

Considering my complete and utter hockey ignorance, I had to visit NHL.com to get some information so it can kind of look researched. The first thing I noticed is that there are a lot more teams than I remember. After using a TI-83, a jar of jellybeans, my toes, and an abacus, I determined there to be 30 teams. Seriously NHL? You need 30 teams? Off the top of my head I can probably name 10 teams. Where the hell did the other 20 teams come from? Now I've heard the argument that the NBA expanded too much, in turn watering down the level of talent in the league. Now at first I was thinking that the same argument could apply to the NHL, then I thought about the hot political topics of the day and realized why the NHL has over-expanded. Immigration control. Before you whistle me for a two-line pass (or some other gay rule from hockey), hear me out. The good ol' US and A have a limited amount of work visas that it will issue in a given year. If we can pad the league with Europeans and Canadians (white people), then we don't have to issue those visas to less desirable countries (Latinos/Hispanics). Let's see the presidential candidates debate that little bombshell.

Now with the politics out of the way I can concentrate on the meat and potatoes of this subject: predictions. I decided to ditch the preview part because I don't know how the teams did last year, or didn't pay attention to any of the off-season transactions, which wouldn't have meant a thing to me anyway. I've assembled the finest scientific minds from around my neighborhood to discuss and debate the merits of each team. They include myself, my next door neighbor who can be seen shredding away at the air guitar while playing 80's music at excessive volumes late into the night, the three Puerto Rican guys who live on the other side of me and sit on their front porch most nights smoking cigarettes and talking loudly in Spanish (one has a mullet, so he's probably the closest we have to a hockey expert), and a couple of the sad old white people who all but live at the convenience store across the street because they are addicted to Keno.

Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
There are two teams in New York, so they cancel each other out like some sort of fraction that I could never quite understand. The same applies to the two teams from Pennsylvania because we're lazy. That leaves the New Jersey Devils. I personally hate the state of New Jersey, but their mascot is affiliated with evil, so they have to be pretty metal.

Northeast Division
We know our hometown Bruins are garbage every year, so they're out. The Buffalo area only has two things going for them the Bills and Sabres, which has to be really depressing. The problem with both teams is that their mascots are buffalo, not the team name like every other sports team on the planet. The Sabres get DQ'ed for participating in those shenanigans. This leaves the three teams from Canada. We discussed this early into the morning (mostly because air guitar guy wouldn't turn down the Cutting Crew album), and came to the agreement that the Ottawa Senators will win because we don't know where Ottawa is. Because we don't know where it is, that means that no one else knows where Ottawa is, so they have the sneak attack factor.

Southeast Division
This division caught us completely off guard. Who in the south(east) cares about hockey? Those backward-ass rednecks only care about moonshine, incest, and Nascar. This was probably the easiest pick of all. The Washington Capitals. Plus where else in DC can a congressmen take his mistress, page, or intern (a hat-trick of infidelity) out in public without concern of anyone ever finding out? Nicely played Capitals.

Western Conference
Central Division
Now here's a division with a few teams that we've actually heard of. That said, Columbus and Nashville are out because we haven't heard of them. Now the St. Louis Blues logo is a music note with a wing. That's queer, so they obviously won't win. The Detroit Red Wings logo is a tire with a wing. That's better than some flying b-sharp, but still stupid so they're done. The Chicago Blackhawks are the team to beat, and I took it upon myself to make that executive decision alone. The Native American blood that runs through my veins has me convinced (I'm seriously 1/8 or 1/16 Native American, I forget which)(...and that isn't a joke about my BAC, you racist).

Northwest Division
Another division with three teams from Canada. Well we don't really feel like discussing Canada anymore and their french fries covered with gravy eating ways, so they get eliminated. We thought the team in Minnesota were the Northstars. Now we're jumping a little ahead but it looks like the moved their asses to Dallas and dropped the North part of their name. That reminds us of the NBA's Charlotte Hornets, who moved to New Orleans. Then Charlotte started an expansion team the Bobcats, who have flat out sucked balls. We decide to assume the same happened in Minnesota with the Wild. That leaves the Colorado Avalanche. We're cool with that because our boy Raymond Jean Bourque won his Stanley Cup out there and then rocked that shit at City Hall Plaza. Our team sucks so we have to play our "homer" card somewhere.

Pacific Division
Since we already mentioned them, let's just start with Dallas. They're in the Pacific Division, but Dallas is 1300+ miles from the Pacific Ocean. This leads us to belive that they probably get really tired rollerblading to their division games because the NHL can't afford to provide travel accommodations (I read the Wall St. report), so they are at a clear disadvantage. Next up is the Phoenix Coyotes. Phoenix has an ice hockey team? We had to double check that we weren't on the Arena Football League page for a second. It turns out that my Puerto Rican neighbor with the mullet is really Mexican and he says that after he crossed the border he made his way through Phoenix. His analysis is that it's really hot in Phoenix so the ice would melt. That's good enough for us. Since we're starting to get sloppy as a scientific collective, I decide to disband the group and finish this out solo. The Los Angeles Kings share the same team name as the Sacramento Kings of the NBA. Despite being a fan of the Maloof Brothers casino, I don't like their basketball team. Sorry LA. Back when I was in middle school, everyone was rocking one of those hooded pull over Starter jackets with the pouch pocket in the front, if you don't know what I'm talking about then you probably live in an area that only has two season. Eat a dick. Well the kid that I hated the most in the world had a San Jose Sharks Starter jacket. I still hate him to this day for no real reason, so I also hate the San Jose Sharks. This leaves a sentimental favorite, which you may have already picked up on if you got the references earlier, The MightyAnaheim Ducks (they'll always be mighty to me). Quack, Quack, Quack...

I could pick a couple wild card teams, and conference champions, and then a Stanley Cup champion, but I've thought, debated, and written more about hockey today than I have in my entire life, and much more than I ever planned to, so I don't want to do any of that other shit. Mostly because no one cares about hockey anyways.

A conundrum for the ages

Yesterday I received about a dozen or so deliveries at work, which in turn filled my office with large cardboard boxes. That could only lead to one of two things:

1. I turn my office into a kick-ass fort

Who the hell didn't like using a cardboard box as a fort when they were were a kid? Commies, that's who. Well for all us patriots add a decade or two to that time of innocence and greatly multiply the number of boxes you had available and it's seemingly a no-brainer. Unless...

2. I start a breakdance team

Old School son! I'm talking matching Adidas track suits, headbands, shell-toes, etc... I have enough cardboard to be a set dresser for Breakin' 3, all I need is able bodies and a ghetto blaster.

This leads us to the first ever White Boys Can Dance stupid idea dance-off. The rules are simple, there are none. Anything goes.

Office Fort
Oh snap! (strengths)

• Makes you appear creative and as someone who thinks outside the box.
• Hides messy areas of the office.
• Keeps barbarians, Indians indigenous peoples, dragons and the cleaning staff at bay.

Wack Shit (weaknesses)

• Bosses with no sense of humor.
• The Fire Marshall.
• Water and most other liquids.

B-Boy Squad
Oh snap!

• Wearing fresh gear.
• Meeting new friends.
• Breakdancing could be considered an aerobic activity, which promotes a more healthy lifestyle, thereby extending your life.

Wack Shit

• It's retro chic, so it's popularity could end at any moment.
• No loitering signage.
• Breakdancing on gang turf while wearing the wrong colored Adidas gear, which could be considered an insult, thereby shortening your life.

Wow, both of my ideas had crazy rhythm and pulled off some ridiculous moves (did I see a cabbage patch in there?), but I only have so much cardboard (and not to brag, but my office is pretty big). So with great regret, I must say that turning my office into a kick-ass fort got served. It started strong by keeping riffraff out, but it lost points for easily being ruined by the contents of a Nalgene bottle. Starting a breakdance team stayed strong throughout its routine. It had everything: fashion, camaraderie, promoting good health, and was capped off with a hint of danger. It was just too sexy not to pick.

See kids, crime is cool

The Wrong Stuff

Last night I was checking one of the 75 e-mail accounts I have and don't check regularly and saw that I had an e-mail from PayPal. The subject of said e-mail was Your payment has been refunded. I didn't remember paying for anything recently so I of course had to open it up. It turns out that my $7.94 was being refunded for a New Kids on the Block t-shirt I had won on eBay a month back. The sellers message about the refund was as follows:

Enclosed is a full refund for the New Kids on the Block shirt you purchased on Ebay. The shirt had already sold out so was no longer available. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience this has caused you. Thank you.

Most people would accept this apology and move on, especially over a 99-cent shirt (shipping was extra) featuring Boston's favorite sons New Kids on the Block. I am not most people. Here is the response that I sent to the seller:

Dear son of a bitch,

How dare you cancel my order for one medium New Kids on the Block t-shirt in unworn condition? I purchased that t-shirt as a gift for the child I sponsor in Africa. Undoubtedly you've seen the commercials with the sickly looking kids covered in flies and living in what looks like a garbage dump. Well I got me one of them. Now little Njanu will have to continue to hobble (due to malnutrition) around Africa nude, which I've learned from the Conservative Christians is shameful and makes the baby Jesus cry. I hope you can live with yourself.

Respectfully,
Jon

When I got to work this morning I saw that the eBay seller had responded:

Dear Jon,

I again would like to extend my sincerest apologies for the mix up. I unfortunately cannot send you the item that was listed because it had been previously sold. Due to the special circumstances in it's place I could send you a Bryan Adams t-shirt, at no charge. Please let me know.

eBay seller

Bryan Adams!? The Canadian Johnny Cougar? I would not let this stand.

Dear asshole,

A Bryan Adams t-shirt!? Are you trying to be some kind of smart ass? How tough can Njanu look in a Bryan Adams t-shirt. I'm trying to get this kid action from some of those topless African women you see in National Geographic, not some hockey loving, mullet sporting Canadian. I am both insulted and ashamed for you. Please do not respond and prepare to receive negative feedback. I wish nothing but engine troubles and multi-car crashes on your favorite Nascar driver next season.

Sincerely,
Jon

So why the big fuss over a New Kids on the Block t-shirt? Maybe this little picture will answer your question:

Way hetero

How awesome would I look in that? Oh yeah, time to come clean. I don't sponsor any kids in Africa. In fact, I immediately change the channel when one of those commercials comes on because those kids are gross looking.

G-A-Y

My name is Guy Incognito

Friday night I attended the Samuel Adams OctoberFest [sic] at the awesome Smith and Wollensky Boston. Probably due to the classy-ass location, all and all it was mostly a ho hum affair. I've been to a few Oktoberfest celebrations in my day and sadly this one was the least fun. I had more fun crashing my car while driving home from Newport's Oktoberfest two years back (weather fueled, not alcohol). Despite the utter lack of excitement, there was one shining beacon of entertainment: fistfights breaking out between Sox and Yankee fans.

...actually, that didn't happen at this event, just every other place in Boston serving alcohol this weekend. However we were treated to watching Jim Koch, the founder/owner/whatever of Sam Adams wander around hammered. He was supposed to give a toast at 6, but didn't find his way to the stage until about 7. And when he was done he was swarmed by beer nerds, the guys with the Hawaiian shirts that have bottles of beer instead of flowers or shit like that on them. I just wanted to mention that because I hate them.

So at some point while watching Jim lean on something/somebody to keep his balance, my friend Ryan asks the brilliant question, "Do you think when Jim Koch goes to bars he tries to order beers that aren't Sam Adams?" We discuss this for several minutes and come to the conclusion that he will order other beers when he's out, but only if he has a sweet Peyton Manning moustache on so nobody will recognize him.

Which naturally leads me to want to talk about the greatest moustaches of all time (in no particular order).

Dick Dastardly

Classic. Elegant. Foreshadowing. You could always tell he was formulating some sort of diabolical scheme to Belichick cheat his way to victory in the Wacky Races by working that sweet musketeer 'stache. Too bad those schemes always backfired. I also wanted to include Muttley, but he doesn't have visible whiskers, I would have let that slide. Did you know Muttley's birthday is April 16? Me neither.

The b-boy of unknown ethnic origin in Breakin'

The kid with the Demolition Man beret, not the kid with the Pink Floyd hat and big red circle with a line through it over his face. Upon multiple viewings (yeah, I own the DVD, you wanna fight about it?), I still cannot tell what the hell this kid is. Mexican? Native American? Filipino? Eskimo? Like figuring out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know. But I do know that he has a badass moustache.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude/Billy Mays

I heard a rumor a couple years back that The Ravishing One had died from AIDS or some other shit like that. Then all of a sudden this Billy Mays fellow arrives on the infomercial scene hocking all kinds of cleaning products. Coincidence? I think not. I think this "Billy Mays" guy selling cleaning products is some kind metaphor for cleaning his conscience from the years of dolling out Rude Awakenings. Either way, he/they had/has a killer 'stache.

Ambrose E. Burnside

The "George Washington Carver" of sideburns himself. He gets the nod not for inventing 'burns, but for being the first to link them to the all important moustache. His Civil War battle record may be spotty, but his facial hair record is flawless.

"Luigi"

When you think of a mustachioed plumber who eats mushrooms and saves princesses from giant turtles, you either think of Mario or some homeless guy who tells you of his amazing adventures all while trying to get some spare change to buy another a handle of liquid intolerance. I think of "Luigi". And not necessarily the Luigi that's pictured above. Every Luigi I can think of has a moustache, so the name's synonymous. I just picked this one because he's also making the universal sign of a fake moustache. That's two for the price of none!

This Guy

If I was walking down a dark alley and this guy was walking toward me from the other end, I'd probably drop into the fetal position like a bear was coming at me. At least that's what I think you're supposed to do when a bear is coming at you. Wait, aren't you supposed to make yourself all big and menacing to show the bear who's the real boss, Danza style? Maybe you're supposed to go fetal when a tiger attacks. I haven't been attacked by either and I don't work for Zoobooks, so I don't really know. Anyways, if you want to know the badassitude (badass magnitude) that this guy's moustache is, here's a little fact to wet your whistle.

Fact: Chuck Norris is only afraid of two things: tadpoles and that guy's moustache.

That's it for now but there will definitely be a continuation of this post, I've already got about a dozen more 'staches lined up. Also, I would still like to hear of any moustaches that you feel should be included in the comments.

More than meets the eye

Sorry nerds, nothing about Transformers here. This is about something more important than the eternal battle between the forces of good and evil, in robotic form. This is about Justin Timberlake. I recently watched Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveShow HBO special and I must say that it was impressive. Wait a second, did I just admit that on the internet? There goes my rep.

...or does it? I've noticed that everyone in the world loves him like White America used to love OJ Simpson, and I think I know why. The man can seemingly do no wrong, here are a few quick examples:

He's sensitive: he cried on Punk'd

He's willing to help a friend in need: attempted to put their differences aside and offered to write Britney a comeback duet

He cares about the children: hosted the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards and let them slime him (thanks Wikipedia, you won't see me on To Catch a Predator)

He's funny: hosted the shit out of SNL, and won an Emmy for his efforts

He's selfless: I heard a rumor that he attempted to rescue a box of puppies from a mansion where the millionaire owner planned to turn them into a coat

Wow, what a guy! Unfortunately like OJ ("If I Did It" author/host of "Juiced"), I bet that there are some skeletons in his closet and I think I've figured him out. (And I know that some of those examples could be disputed, but they certainly talked him up, didn't they?)

With the current state the music industry is in, do you really expect anyone to actually be making money? I don't care if you sell a couple million records, if you're on a major label you ain't making shit. It isn't the 90's anymore when anyone on a major label who sells millions of records gets rich, like for instance, TLC. I personally blame the kids today with their iPods, Napster, and rap music for making all these poor musicians um... poor. After thousands of hours of careful research, and then hundreds of additional hours of accounting work, I've determined that Justin Timberlake only made $46,239, pretax, in the year 2006. But then how can he afford to keep up his extravagant lifestyle? Wait for it...

Slaves. There I said it. And I'm not talking about Asian sex slaves, but the "472 years of slavery" slaves. All the signs point to this.

Look at all the black people who hang around him. The man has an MC Hammer-sized entourage, and I'm pretty sure he had the motherfuckin' Time as his live band on the special. Now, before you say that they're paid performers or his friends let me stop you. Obviously you don't know how to read because I just told you that he only pulled down 46K last year, so he couldn't even afford to have me to dance on his tour, let alone a veritable United Nations of dancers and musicians.

Paid performer argument:Joe Theismann's leg::My response:Lawrence Taylor

And don't worry "what if they're really friends" sympathizers, you're next. I consider myself to have a lot in common with JT ...kind of. I'm white, can dance, play basketball, wear wrinkled suits with sneakers, and have a sweet ass; so why don't I have a ton of black friends like he does? The fact is, most black people don't want to be friends with white people. Why? I'm guessing because we have looted the shit out of their culture. Look at some of the stuff us crackers have stolen:

Music - rock 'n' roll, rap, Vampire Weekend

Language/Slang - funky fresh, cold chillin', word up, homey, two snaps up, etc... (meticulously researched by watching the first season of In Living Color)

Style/Fashion - hip-hop, cornrows, prison tattoos, long basketball shorts

Inventions - the traffic light, peanut butter, supersoakers

Individuals - Tiger Woods, the Gumbel brothers, the guy from the Police Academy movies who made those crazy sound effects

Wow, the list just goes on and on and Justin straddles the line between white boy and whiteboy, so naturally I would expect backlash. So taking from that, we learn that black people don't want to hang out with him because he's a culture thief. So then who are all the black people seen hanging around him all the time? That's right, Slaves.

Now I know all the naysayers out there will say that my arguments are only speculation and don't constitute real evidence. Well Lynne Thigpen, here's your smoking gun.

Let's take a quick look at Mr. Timberlake's latest release.

Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds.

Now if you divide all the letters into three groups you get:

jnbienso, stmelarsve, -uitrkfutuesx/leoud

Rotate the "/" about 55 degrees clockwise and combine with the "-" into a "=". Now substitute "uitrkfutuesxleoud" for "a" then add it to the second group.

Now we are left with: jnbienso, stmelarsvea, =

If I move the = between the two groups and rearrange the letters we get:

no benjis = slave master

Chilling, isn't it.

Straight up, the motherfucker's got moves, and he's banged some of the hottest tail in the entertainment industry, but I can't approve of slavery. Sorry to out you JT, but it just isn't cool. And not to kick a man when he's down but I wouldn't be surprised if he's also involved in the Mike Vick dogfighting scandal. Like I learned in Rush Hour 2, there's always a white guy looking for his cut.

A day which will live in infamy

or: I just booked my first-class ticket to hell

So I received this e-mail last week from my friend Ryan:

Dude, do you want to join a kickball league? I'm dead serious.

Because my company doesn't have a softball team, and I can't always find a pickup game of basketball, I currently lack any form of regular athletic competition. At a cookout a month back after playing a gays vs straights game of two-hand touch, I was asked if I would consider playing in a gay men's football league. I was considering it because I love playing football and would have a couple friends in the league, not because I love to bang guys (sorry fellas). But then I found this sexy kickball proposal in my inbox. After weighing my options of a co-ed kickball beer league, or a gay football league, I decided to go the kickball route. I am a very competitive person, especially when it comes to athletics, but I can tone it down depending on what sport I may be playing. When it's something like football, I'm 100% into it because it actually requires skill to do well, for kickball I think I can tone it down to 40% because the last time I played that shit I was in 6th grade and I think I went 7-for-7 with 6 homeruns. Another reason that I picked co-ed kickball over gay football is because I'd probably accidentally call someone a homo at some point during the season. Why did I bring up my competitive nature? Because the following is a sorta-recap of the worst day of competitive sports that I have ever played. I would say this one day was worse than my entire Freshman year of baseball when we didn't win a single game all season, not even scrimmages.

A couple years back my friend Marisa asked me if I wanted to play softball. Her friend was putting a team together for a charity game for Easter Seals and needed a couple more players. Being the charitable person that I am, I of course agreed. Ryan also agreed to play on the team. Because we're assholes, whenever we talked to Marisa about the game we asked that she was sure we weren't playing a team of retards. I don't remember exactly what she said but it was probably along the lines of "you have no soul for joking about that," and that we were scheduled to play against a team from Home Depot. I contended that because I was raising money for Easter Seals, it would offset any retard jokes I would make. And speaking of retards and Home Depot, I don't really trust any advice that any of their sales associates give me. If they're such experts then why the fuck are they working at Home Depot and not using their trade skills to acquire a job that undoubtedly pays more? Perhaps they just like wearing orange aprons and measuring stuff?

Because we were scheduled to play a legit team, I had to get my shit together. So for a couple weeks before the game Ryan and I trained, which consisted of getting our throwing arms back in shape. We'd play catch in the parking lot of our work during our lunch break for about 10 minutes each day. Actually, we could only play for about 10 minutes because everyday at some point Ryan would throw a frozen rope over my head which would be lost for the ages (or just end up in the parking lot of the DoubleTree that was next to our work).

So the day of the game finally arrives and the weather was fucking crazy, I wake up to thunder and lightning and downpours. I call Marisa to see if the game is still on and she said that it was. The field was about an hour away so like The Regulators, we mount up and head to our softball destiny. As we are heading south, the clouds gradually disappear and it's actually a beautiful day at the field. We meet the rest of our team and start to warm up. We see some of the Easter Seals kids hanging around the park and make a couple jokes about playing them; again we're assholes, but charitable assholes. It's getting closer to game time and we don't see anyone from the Home Depot team so I'm starting to get worried. We give the Home Depot team about an extra half hour to show up and they never do. So we win by forfeit, right?

"Here's my check, I'm heading home."

Well it turns out you can't win a charity game by forfeit, so they found us another team to play. Do I even need to tell you who was on that team?

I'll give you a minute to collect yourself.

...

..

.

Like Earl Hickey, karma just kicked our asses. The organizers of the event gathered every retarded kid that they could find and put them on the team, and maybe one or two of the extra-retarded adults. Through drinking and repression, I've erased most of that game from my memory. From what I remember, here are the highlowlights.

Everyone had to bring their own equipment. The retards brought plenty of helmets, but didn't share because they also had to wear them while in the field, so we had to "borrow" some from another game that was going on. (I now "own" a batting helmet)

When our team was up to bat: if you didn't swing it was a strike, whether the pitch be a foot over your head or landed in front of home plate. Luckily it was one of the Easter Seals volunteers pitching to us so there were a couple good pitches per at bat.

When their team was up to bat, the ump had three calls: ball, strike, they didn't mean to swing. I swear at one at bat the ump called "he didn't mean to swing" on 7 consecutive pitches.

Two fouls was an out, Ryan managed to foul out (oh yeah, this was slow pitch).

Their team got to bat around every inning, even if they got twelve outs. Actually their batting lineup fluctuated each inning, I think they kept finding more retards at the park.

Here's an actual conversation I overheard while in right field:

E. Seals volunteer: "Hey Billy, would you like to get a few cuts in?"

Billy (a retarded boy): "Daaaaaaah"

*I never actually heard that conversation happen, but then where else were these extra players coming from? I doubt that their parents were pushing them to play to make up for their own failed childhood dreams of athletic glory.

At one point the kid playing shortstop was telling me to hit the ball to his glove, so I did. He was not nominated for a SportsCenter top 10 play.

Our captain tried to raise our spirits after intentionally losing to a team of retards by saying "at least we had fun", to which I immediately deadpanned "I had no fun whatsoever." I stand by that remark to this day.

After the game we took a team photo. While lining up for the photo-op the third baseman of the retard team came over and started to taunt me, "Whee bee yoo bah!" (translation: We beat you bad) Note the intentional misspellings, because I tried to get across his flawless enunciation.

I was going to wrap this up with a note about my derogatory use of the word retard (I actually cut a bunch out), but I decided not to because if you were at all offended then you need to get a fucking life. You're what's wrong with America.

Hugs and Kisses.

-Jon